He seems determined to make things difficult post-breakup

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So after 8.5+ years with an uBPD partner, it's finally over. To be honest, I feel only relief at this point and am determined to move on. I think because he broke up with me so many times we were together, I've already experienced all the highs and lows of breakup and reunification and I'm over it.

For financial reasons and because we recently moved to a foreign country, we're currently still living together. He is in the process of buying land and building a house on that land; originally he wanted to build houses for both of us on the same land, but after thinking this over, I decided it wouldn't be a good idea (which he wasn't happy about).

For a while things were peaceful between us, but now he's trying to make things as difficult as possible for me. I don't think he's intentionally doing this. I think he really is living under the delusion that he is this chill, freedom-loving, peaceful dude and I am the unreasonable one (just like all his other exes, who he portrays as crazy or complete monsters).

But nevertheless, I clearly see FOG taking place. I think he knows deep down he has not been the best partner (which to me is whatever -- I'm willing to let it all go and move on -- but still he feels this need to redeem himself). So he is pulling out all the stops, trying to make me feel obligated to adopt his point of view and essentially side with him against his latest enemy. And of course, spend money in the ways he sees fit. And yes, I acknowledge that he has made a lot of money through his own efforts in investing, but where do you think he got that money for investments? From me, of course -- and I have no savings because of it.

So he uses obligation to manipulate me: “I still love you even though we’re not together" (translation: "you better do what I say"). Fear (I’m going to become homeless because without him, I am helpless and worthless). Guilt (when I calmly state that I appreciate his advice or his perspective but see things differently, he says “you’re rejecting everything I say because you hate me,” “I guess I can’t tell you anything anymore”).

He is desperate and doing everything he can to make himself look heroic in my eyes and the eyes of others while trying to make me look bad. I keep telling myself I can’t be angry because it is all he knows. It's like he is drowning and just grasping out for a life raft. Partially too I think he's angry because even though he's broken up with me countless times in the past, I did not take him back this time like I have every other time -- I've finally broken the cycle of codependency, but it seems he has not.

At the same time, though, I guess I want some practical advice. How do I stand up to him without completely wrecking things between us? The truth is, our finances are tied up together, along with multiple projects, and aside from the logistics, he is a special person that I would like to still have in my life -- at an arm's distance. But I can't let him continue to manipulate me and run my life.

[HappyKJ]

So after 8.5+ years with an uBPD partner, it's finally over. To be honest, I feel only relief at this point and am determined to move on. I think because he broke up with me so many times we were together, I've already experienced all the highs and lows of breakup and reunification and I'm over it.

For financial reasons and because we recently moved to a foreign country, we're currently still living together. He is in the process of buying land and building a house on that land; originally he wanted to build houses for both of us on the same land, but after thinking this over, I decided it wouldn't be a good idea (which he wasn't happy about).

For a while things were peaceful between us, but now he's trying to make things as difficult as possible for me. I don't think he's intentionally doing this. I think he really is living under the delusion that he is this chill, freedom-loving, peaceful dude and I am the unreasonable one (just like all his other exes, who he portrays as crazy or complete monsters).

But nevertheless, I clearly see FOG taking place. I think he knows deep down he has not been the best partner (which to me is whatever -- I'm willing to let it all go and move on -- but still he feels this need to redeem himself). So he is pulling out all the stops, trying to make me feel obligated to adopt his point of view and essentially side with him against his latest enemy. And of course, spend money in the ways he sees fit. And yes, I acknowledge that he has made a lot of money through his own efforts in investing, but where do you think he got that money for investments? From me, of course -- and I have no savings because of it.

So he uses obligation to manipulate me: “I still love you even though we’re not together" (translation: "you better do what I say"). Fear (I’m going to become homeless because without him, I am helpless and worthless). Guilt (when I calmly state that I appreciate his advice or his perspective but see things differently, he says “you’re rejecting everything I say because you hate me,” “I guess I can’t tell you anything anymore”).

He is desperate and doing everything he can to make himself look heroic in my eyes and the eyes of others while trying to make me look bad. I keep telling myself I can’t be angry because it is all he knows. It's like he is drowning and just grasping out for a life raft. Partially too I think he's angry because even though he's broken up with me countless times in the past, I did not take him back this time like I have every other time -- I've finally broken the cycle of codependency, but it seems he has not.

At the same time, though, I guess I want some practical advice. How do I stand up to him without completely wrecking things between us? The truth is, our finances are tied up together, along with multiple projects, and aside from the logistics, he is a special person that I would like to still have in my life -- at an arm's distance. But I can't let him continue to manipulate me and run my life.

[formflier]

Tough position to be in.

Do you have an accurate spreadsheet of how the money and numbers have flowed back and forth?

Are there any written agreements in place regarding this flow of money?

The best way to "stand up" to him is simply not participate...do your thing in a healthy way.

Step 1 of that is accurate information...once we are there I'm sure we can guide you for the rest.

Best,

FF

[Rev]

At the same time, though, I guess I want some practical advice. How do I stand up to him without completely wrecking things between us? The truth is, our finances are tied up together, along with multiple projects, and aside from the logistics, he is a special person that I would like to still have in my life -- at an arm's distance. But I can't let him continue to manipulate me and run my life.

Hey there,

I'm going to listen in if that's okay.  FF has you off to the right track.

In the meantime, accept all our support for a bit of mettle. You'll need to learn to endure in order to respond rather than react. Maybe you're already on to this?  If so, that will work in your favor... as in it will favor you in your next leg of your path. This really is about you and however you decide to treat him, you do it because it aligns with your values so as to be able to face  yourself. If you can there, then the rest will likely fall into place, at least better than it might have otherwise.

Hang in there.

Rev

[HappyKJ]

Thank you, FormFlier and Rev! Great advice on all counts.

No, unfortunately I don't have a spreadsheet or formal agreement regarding expenses. Although I could look in my transaction history and add up all the money that has exited my account to fund his investments. At the very least, he owes me that.

"The best way to "stand up" to him is simply not participate...do your thing in a healthy way." Absolutely! Which I have been doing. The thing I have working in my favor is that I no longer have anything to lose. So I continue to associate with my friends who are now his "enemies," and when he tries to pit me against them, I simply don't engage. He may throw a tantrum, but I no longer let it get to me.

These past two days his behavior has been much better -- he's been fun, calm, and easy-going. I'm not getting my hopes up too much -- years of being with him have taught me that this pleasant demeanor is subject to change at a moment's notice, especially if I set him off (either inadvertently or by "daring" to stand up to him).

But it could also be that he's recognized that FOG isn't working with me, and considering the fact that I'm one of the few people who will put up with him at all (and by extension, that he can tolerate), he needs to play nice.

[Rev]

Thank you, FormFlier and Rev! Great advice on all counts.

No, unfortunately I don't have a spreadsheet or formal agreement regarding expenses. Although I could look in my transaction history and add up all the money that has exited my account to fund his investments. At the very least, he owes me that.

"The best way to "stand up" to him is simply not participate...do your thing in a healthy way." Absolutely! Which I have been doing. The thing I have working in my favor is that I no longer have anything to lose. So I continue to associate with my friends who are now his "enemies," and when he tries to pit me against them, I simply don't engage. He may throw a tantrum, but I no longer let it get to me.

These past two days his behavior has been much better -- he's been fun, calm, and easy-going. I'm not getting my hopes up too much -- years of being with him have taught me that this pleasant demeanor is subject to change at a moment's notice, especially if I set him off (either inadvertently or by "daring" to stand up to him).

But it could also be that he's recognized that FOG isn't working with me, and considering the fact that I'm one of the few people who will put up with him at all (and by extension, that he can tolerate), he needs to play nice.

Well - if you are already where you say you are - then just do whatever it takes for you to stay there. That's it!  Nothing more... but... nothing less either. 

You go girl. 

Rev

[HappyKJ]

Well, true to form, his Dr. Jekyll popped out today...because I disagreed with him. Tried to rope me into word battles. But I'm standing strong.

It was a good reminder of exactly why I'm leaving. When he's playing nice, I start to feel soft-hearted -- I know better than to go back, but it still makes the decision harder and brings up those "well maybe he's changed" moments. But when his old self comes back, it makes the decision to end things that much easier! And in reminds me just how conditional his displays of love and affection are.

[cash05458]

BPD's, at least mine to speak from personal experience, are great actors...they have been acting since the day you met them via mirroring as I have learned to understand the concept...so it's not surprising when under duress of losing  the relationship they would turn that "talent" on full force...but that isn't real change, to me, in any sense...Bpd's who actually want to get help seem to need years and years of therapy...that deep rooted thing going on inside of them can't just be "tweaked" into some lasting and real form of change...rather, it is just another "act" I would imagine...