What is your Role in your dysfunctional family?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,
I have been thinking a lot about my role in my family lately.  I was starkly reminded of it again this morning when I read an email by BPD'd mom sent everyone in the family except me...then forwarded to me last and separately.  Why wasn't I on the original distribution?  Am I not in the family?

As you might have guessed, I'm the Lost Child (third born).
Other examples, my oldest brother got married about a year and a half ago.  Every family member that showed up was invited to be in the wedding photo (whether they were actually in the wedding or not) except me.  What the?  Same brother, a year earlier, I happened to see his will (it was sitting on his breakfast table and I was visiting) and I couldn't help but notice, I was the only family member not in it.

I confronted my brother on the will, but not on his wedding, and I don't even know if confronting my Mom about being not included in her email is even worth it - she's BPD'd afterall.

Does anyone else struggle with this? 

According to all the books:
*Roles are rigid. (If you try to move off your assigned role, you WILL get push back.)

*Roles are assigned by the system to meet the system's needs.

Really tired of my role and I constantly ask my husband "what is it about me that everyone forgets me?"  He reassured me today of course, and told me he wouldn't forget me.    Since my Mom likes to triangulate a lot (she texts him behind my back), I was at least relieved that he is committed to not taking her side, which would again constitute being in this perpetual "Lost" state.

Any advice, or similiar experiences?  Thanks for listening.
b

[beatricex]

Hi,
I have been thinking a lot about my role in my family lately.  I was starkly reminded of it again this morning when I read an email by BPD'd mom sent everyone in the family except me...then forwarded to me last and separately.  Why wasn't I on the original distribution?  Am I not in the family?

As you might have guessed, I'm the Lost Child (third born).
Other examples, my oldest brother got married about a year and a half ago.  Every family member that showed up was invited to be in the wedding photo (whether they were actually in the wedding or not) except me.  What the?  Same brother, a year earlier, I happened to see his will (it was sitting on his breakfast table and I was visiting) and I couldn't help but notice, I was the only family member not in it.

I confronted my brother on the will, but not on his wedding, and I don't even know if confronting my Mom about being not included in her email is even worth it - she's BPD'd afterall.

Does anyone else struggle with this? 

According to all the books:
*Roles are rigid. (If you try to move off your assigned role, you WILL get push back.)

*Roles are assigned by the system to meet the system's needs.

Really tired of my role and I constantly ask my husband "what is it about me that everyone forgets me?"  He reassured me today of course, and told me he wouldn't forget me.    Since my Mom likes to triangulate a lot (she texts him behind my back), I was at least relieved that he is committed to not taking her side, which would again constitute being in this perpetual "Lost" state.

Any advice, or similiar experiences?  Thanks for listening.
b

[kiwigal]

Oh gosh that is all so hurtful! I can validate and empathise with the pain that being the scapegoat/ invisible/ inconsequential member is. With your brother and the will - do you think his leaving it out might have been intentional?

What’s the ‘unspoken rule’ that you threaten?
I have these dynamics with my in-laws and the Unspoken Rules are: “feelings are not to be trusted” + “there is a pecking order and you’re last” followed by “godly families don’t have conflict”. So any complaints I make are dismissed as me being female and emotional - and it’s mind bending and emotionally abusive.

With the email from your mum: my MIL did that all the time. One Christmas when this happened, I pulled out from attending and invited her to counselling to hear why. She didn’t want to go. So I left it and didn’t attend. Then when she next wanted me at something I emailed and said “sure, I can - I just need the assurance that you will give me adult consideration and include our input equal to the others - because it’s been my experience that you won’t do that”. She replied thinly with her own need for assurances which felt infantile, but she got the message.
Now, we have a standing unspoken rule that she doesn’t assume upon us attending anything - she’s learned by experience we won’t do it just to tow the line. She’s still learning and we’re still holding our ground.
Ultimately, I had to decide that my needs - which include my feelings being valued - aren’t negotiable. Once I realised that they could never consider my feelings, I made the decision to always look out for my own. I don’t expect fairness. Or consideration, or thoughtfulness. Rather, I plan for the inevitable and limit my time with them to a bare minimum. Yes I know it means we likely will also lose out financially- but I don’t want the strings attached either.
Hope that helps.

[beatricex]

I would like to keep this thread going, since I started it.

Kiwigal,
I was not the scapegoat, that is the second born.  I was the third born, the lost child.

It is the child that is forgotten in the family.

Like, I can remember the year they forgot my birthday.  Like, I eloped when I got married (too messy to invite the family that never remembers me).  Like, my Mom sends messages to everyone in the family except me, then forwards the email to me last.

I know who the scapegoat is/was, that was my brother, the second born.

The Lost Child sees the dysfunction and seeks therapy first.  It is sort of a blessing, as we also Move On first.

Can anyone else relate to family roles?  If so what is your role, and have you tried to "buck the system?"
b