Struggling to detach frm recent ex w BPD who lives in my neighborhood/small town

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

For reasons that are hard to describe, this seems to make the moving on and forward much harder with him living down the road. He moved to my town and down the road from me in order to be with me this past year (in the fever pitch of idealization phase, and we planned to get married) and now that we have recently broken up (I was devalued/discarded in the same manner as many stories I’ve read here)... it’s been harder for me psychology to make a clean break with our proximity. There have been times we’ve passed each other in traffic, he passes by my house, or at the store/gas station, etc at the same time as I. My route to work in the morning even  goes right by his apartment. It feels tormenting and I’m a feeling a growing degree of anxiety that I will run into him at any point. Honestly, as unkind as this may sound, it just feels like it would be so much easier to move on if he wasn’t so nearby (I have lived here for years and have children here, former spouse, family, established life here). I find myself wishing he would just move,  (he has close family 45 mins away) so he can be  more “gone” from my life and thoughts and I can  “break free” mentally without these daily reminders,  along with this anxious feeling about potentially seeing him somewhere.  The freshly raw process of detaching, grieving, healing and overcoming already feels somewhat daunting  so with this added factor it feels more oppressive. Of course, he has a right to live where he wants, but ugh.. it feels like an intrusion to my peace () and I would like the comfort of my own world while going around town, being able to “forget” him,  if that makes sense? I’ve already processed through some stages of grief, bargaining, anger, and I’m feeling like I just want my life back.
 Any suggestions? What can I do to help myself in this, and truly mentally and emotionally move forward under these circumstances? Thank you

[Healtohope]

For reasons that are hard to describe, this seems to make the moving on and forward much harder with him living down the road. He moved to my town and down the road from me in order to be with me this past year (in the fever pitch of idealization phase, and we planned to get married) and now that we have recently broken up (I was devalued/discarded in the same manner as many stories I’ve read here)... it’s been harder for me psychology to make a clean break with our proximity. There have been times we’ve passed each other in traffic, he passes by my house, or at the store/gas station, etc at the same time as I. My route to work in the morning even  goes right by his apartment. It feels tormenting and I’m a feeling a growing degree of anxiety that I will run into him at any point. Honestly, as unkind as this may sound, it just feels like it would be so much easier to move on if he wasn’t so nearby (I have lived here for years and have children here, former spouse, family, established life here). I find myself wishing he would just move,  (he has close family 45 mins away) so he can be  more “gone” from my life and thoughts and I can  “break free” mentally without these daily reminders,  along with this anxious feeling about potentially seeing him somewhere.  The freshly raw process of detaching, grieving, healing and overcoming already feels somewhat daunting  so with this added factor it feels more oppressive. Of course, he has a right to live where he wants, but ugh.. it feels like an intrusion to my peace () and I would like the comfort of my own world while going around town, being able to “forget” him,  if that makes sense? I’ve already processed through some stages of grief, bargaining, anger, and I’m feeling like I just want my life back.
 Any suggestions? What can I do to help myself in this, and truly mentally and emotionally move forward under these circumstances? Thank you

[Cat Familiar]

It totally makes sense to me. For a long time, I kept seeing my ex husband in our small town, usually when I was driving, but a few times face to face. Ugh! Now he lives on the opposite coast, thankfully.

You just want to be done and move on, and not have an uninvited opportunity to think about him.

I don’t have any good suggestions for you, but it may be an opportunity to strengthen your internal boundaries. You might practice saying something to yourself when unwanted thoughts intrude, such as “I am safe and protected in my own space.”

Or perhaps visualize a protective barrier around you, such as a warm soft clear cocoon, where you can see out, but others can’t see in, unless invited by you.

I think sometimes when we are processing emotional hurt, it helps to have some go to busywork, that keeps us from falling into a repetitive groove that leads to feeling upset. It’s kinda silly and a crutch for the moment, but after a while, it helps to change mental habits.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Healtohope, Welcome!  Maybe you could do some brainstorming and come up with strategies that might help minimize contacts with your Ex, as Cat suggests.  For example, could you take a different route to work that doesn't involve driving by his apartment?  Maybe you can avoid places where you are likely to cross paths?  Maybe you can enlist a friend or family member to serve as a wingman, or buffer, when you need it?  I guess what I'm getting at is taking steps to get out of the victim role.  I suspect you will feel better as you take back your power.

LuckyJim

[Healtohope]

Cat Familiar ... I really appreciate you speaking to this. I feel more seen, and not alone, thank you. I like the inner boundaries opportunity this presents. I read your reply at work today, and it was the best ride home I’ve had in quite a while. Your post stirred a response in me that these moments can be a positive thing, actually. Because I want to step into them that way. My inner boundaries is something I want to strengthen, soften and foster. I repeated the phrase you suggested “I am safe and protected in my own space” (I added my “own town” as well). Love it. Thank you again ☀️

[Healtohope]

Lucky Jim... thank you for the warm welcome!

You are right on the money about getting my power back. Thank you for reminding me that it’s up to me to take responsibility to do that... and move on from “victim” mode. I did take a different route today... and even after I read your post and Cat’s ... something shifted a bit inside. Even just admitting and expressing all this (my struggle sometimes feels silly to me, but I chose to anyway) in and of itself has fostered more strength. I’m so glad I came to this site and became a part. I’ve a tendency to isolate, and go into my “cave” to recover, and so even posting what I have and receiving your reply  is a step forward for me. I realize not every moment is going to feel the way I want it, and I’ve got a ways to go, but I’m that much close to taking my power back. Thank you Jim.

[Rev]

I think sometimes when we are processing emotional hurt, it helps to have some go to busywork, that keeps us from falling into a repetitive groove that leads to feeling upset. It’s kinda silly and a crutch for the moment, but after a while, it helps to change mental habits.

Physical work or movement has been shown to act as a sort of parallel process to help sort out thinking and change cognitive distortions.  Literally, memories and reactions stored in the body are released and worked out.

This is really great advice. The physical work will also help to set the internal boundaries - which take a lot of energy to set.

Rev

[Healtohope]

Rev... that’s exciting to read. What type of physical work are you referring to? Exercise (such as running, hiking, yoga), or is there a specific physical moment that is more effective? Thanks for your reply ☀️

[Rev]

Rev... that’s exciting to read. What type of physical work are you referring to? Exercise (such as running, hiking, yoga), or is there a specific physical moment that is more effective? Thanks for your reply ☀️

Whatever feels best to you ... it's just to get your body moving...

singing even - except in the shower maybe ... cause it's wet and if you slip and fall, that might defeat the purpose... then again... the injury might give you something else to focus on  

Rev