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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Help – I’m not sure what’s happened for the past 2 years  (Read 348 times)
Magni
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What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 1


« on: January 20, 2021, 05:58:48 AM »

Sorry for the long post...not sure how to summarise last 2 years

I’m really struggling at the moment.  I have been in a strange ‘relationship’ with someone I work with for the last 2 years and so many of their traits seem to be similar to BPD.  We have worked together (in different teams) for 6 years but they left to move overseas 2 years ago.  At their leaving drinks they seemed to hone in on me all night (which is something I was then told they do) and towards the end of the night asked if they could kiss me.  It took me by surprise as I thought they were straight but I said yes and we spent a drunken night together.  .  I had to leave early but before I got up to leave I was affectionate, what I noticed is when I was facing them and obv awake they had their eyes closed and seemed a bit ‘quiet’/not returning the affection, when I stopped and closed my eyes for a bit, as soon as I opened them again I saw them looking at me they immediately closed their eyes as if asleep.  When I turned my back to them… they put their arm around me and kissed my neck.  I left soon after.  It felt odd and not like the usual 1 night stand ackwardness/something in between
After they left the country we started whatsapp chatting.  It soon turned into messaging every day for hours each day about anything, sharing music etc.  However if I ever sent a chat outside of Monday to Friday, it was read but not responded to.  This went on for 6 months before I got the opportunity to visit our os office for work purposes.
Day 1 they wanted to go for drinks but not with the colleague I was there with so I had to make an excuse.  Multiple drinks later they asked me back to theirs.  I went, we drank more and I tried to kiss them, they pushed me away explaining they meant they didn’t want a relationship with anyone when they said they liked ppl (Original night I said I didn’t think they were gay and they said they liked ppl).  I got quiet and said mixed messages and they said they really liked me being in their country and wanted to visit mine.  Many more drinks all good. 
Day 2, they wanted to go for drinks again, ditch friend….multiple drinks later and they wanted me to come back to theirs.  Once taxi got to theirs they told me I needed to go home. I went. 
Day 3, team drinks and all their attention was on me…flirting and asking me to ditch friend and come for drinks with them.  I did and we went back to theirs.  Many drinks later they suddenly said I needed to go home and called a taxi which was there in 2 mins.  I left got down the stairs and realised I forgot my phone, went back up, knocked on door….no answer….kept knocking louder and louder thinking they were asleep.  After 10 mins the police appeared and told me someone had called as they were scared as there was loud knocking.  I left. Next day I went to pick up my phone, they stood in the doorway, we chatted and I asked them if they had heard me knocking and they said they hadn’t, must have gone to sleep but then contradicted themselves by saying taxi driver had called asking where I was…knocking on their door.  I felt they may have called the police.  This was first of many occasions where i felt they werent honest
Day 4+5 – drinks again but not back to theirs. 
When I left the country they were texting me all night. Songs music etc….next day it seemed like they had crashed and after sending a message that said ‘I just want to disappear’, I followed up to see if they were ok, they snapped back that they just wanted to work and not to bother them.
Hereonin became a pattern
I came back to my home country, messaging all the time…except weekends (no responses).  I got a secondment to that office and just the week before I got there, they responded to a bunch of my messages with ‘pls reduce messages’.
I reacted by saying I could but I needed to know their rules as not clear, they responded with what became another pattern to me after asking for an explantion – all my issue, I wont respond to anything u say…and then I’m blocked
I did end up in that office for 6 months.  After a few weeks of purgatory, it was back to messaging all the time but not on weekends.  If I ever travelled for work the messages intensified but in person they would not respond to any suggestions of just catching up for a drink as friends (new country).  They would just blank the question.  I got to where I couldn’t ask anymore as I didn’t want the silent response.  Silence to something they don’t like is typical.
This person is extremely challenging to work with and has that reputation.  They are controlling, rude, abrupt but can also be lovely, generous, funny and warm.  They are a contradiction. There is no consistency and so most people feel like they don’t know what to expect.  They change their mind on a whim and can fly off the handle in a second and then be back to normal an hour later whilst everyone around them is still recovering.
Before I left that office we had another falling out as I questioned them on a work thing.  They didn’t like it and told me not to message them about non work things.  I apologised and said I thought we were friends, they confirmed we weren’t.  A few weeks later we were messaging again.  When I was leaving the office to return home, they didn’t come to my leaving drinks and when I went to hug them on the last day their body literally shook and then they stuck out their hand for a hand shake.  A few days later I wished them the best but asked them for a reason as to why in all that time they never wanted to catch up.  They responded with a very cold message about not wanting any personal correpondance with me.  I asked for an explanation of the last year and they blocked me.
6 weeks later they moved back to where I am, we didn’t speak for 4 additional weeks and then we started skyping.  During lockdown this ended up being skyping most days, all day til 2/3am in the morning.  But only Monday to Thursday…no weekends.  I would send them an email each weekend about a film to see or something to do as I knew they were away from home.  No response but I was used to that.  In our skype chats they would tell me they hoped we would still be talking when we were in our 70’s and would tell me all about their past / family etc, about how they viewed themselves.  Share music. Very rarely asked me about me but I would volunteer.  If I didn’t message them by a certain time each day, they would follow up to see what was happening and why I hadn’t messaged.
From all these messages I know their views on themselves are they can be ‘evil’ and they don’t like that side of themselves.  They just want unconditional love but feel they will never find it and have someone from years ago they cling to as perfect but something happened that means that person will never have to be anything but that.  They have massive self doubts in work but you wouldn’t know that being in their work company.  They are very sucessful. They have massive mood swings, their mood is unpredictable from one day to the next, they never apologise, see people as black or white and can hate someone from one day to the next.  They are also extremely charismatic.  I tried one last time to ask why we don’t talk on the phone and got the usual blank.  7 months into skype messages every day, during a normal conversation on an email I had sent them that weekend, they said they had deleted it as they delete all my emails on weekends as not business critical.  That hurt me as I had been sending them for a bit to make sure they didn’t feel too lonely.  I did say it was ok as we were friends and they corrected me and said I had a different def of friendship and we were colleagues who were friendly.  I reacted and they told me I couldn’t expect to be their best friend (not what I was asking).  We however got over it and resumed talking next day.
1 week later they organised drinks at theirs for a few work people.  They had talked through the whole planning with me.  It was a nice night.  I talked to my other work colleagues the whole night.  Near the end most ppl had left and it was just 4 of us.  We stayed chatting then at some point she told me I needed to go home as I was drunk ( i was, i was so nervous about the night as first catch up in 18 months and i hadnt eaten). I felt like I was being discarded again and it triggered me, so I reacted by saying I was ok, other work colleague said no you’re not.  Put me in a taxi but nobody checked if I had my bag so when I got home I had no keys, rang to say I needed to come back and she was rude and told me not to.  I reacted and asked her why she was treating me like that.  I got back there after an hour, got shoved my bag at the door and when I asked her if we could talk she went to shut the door in my face.  I put my foot in to stop that….she was rude. I left, I messaged her and said I wanted an explanation next day as to why she was so rude.  Nothing for 2 days and then she put everything on me, I was drunk, had to be convinced to go home…..came, tried to force my way in, she threatened to call the police and then I kept messaging her.  Most of this is incorrect/backward.  She actually didn’t threaten the police on that night (it was the first trip) and my messages to her were before I came back trying to organise to come back and then i was upset because of her reaction and called agin.  I have it all from my phone records and uber times.  She blocked me again and threatened to escalate.  I know i did not react the way i should have that night and carry so much blame myself for the end result.
I was and am devastated. 
Its been 2 years of push and pull, walking on eggshells, their rules, watching for mood changes., feeling like I am the most imp person to them but only Monday to Friday and then wondering if its just because they want someone to offload to and listen to them.  I really feel like I could have been anyone and that none of this has been about me personally and I feel very discarded and worthless.  We still work together and its so hard.  Some days she will ping me on a work matter, others she wont acknowledge me at all.  Over the years i ended up feeling like I had feelings for this person….but for the past 2 months I have pretty much just had the silent treatment.  Everything I have read on these boards feels so familiar so im not looking for answers, just some support as i have truely felt like i am going mad.  I still really care about her
 
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Rev
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2021, 08:30:26 AM »

Sorry for the long post...not sure how to summarise last 2 years

I  Everything I have read on these boards feels so familiar so im not looking for answers, just some support
 


Hi there,

And welcome.  Great job on the summary - paints a really familiar picture.

Could you say more about what you see as support vs answers?

It might be easier to respond to your post.

There are good people here.

Hang in there.

Stay safe.

Rev
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BSDMKD

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married had BPD affair Partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2021, 09:21:05 AM »

Hello I am confused on whether this is a heterosexual relationship? Are you M of F? Have you ever been as far as an intimate relationship with this person? Is there a long term goal or outcome that you are seeking for a relationship? Or, do you feel you just want to learn how to say no and set limits and boundaries and be consistent everytime?
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