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hpflmom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
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« on: January 21, 2021, 01:08:04 PM »

Hello, I'm looking for info/resources. My son was diagnosed with bi-polar when he was 18, but refused that diagnosis and mental health care then, and that is the case today. He is 40.
I have often felt the diagnosis of bi-polar was not correct. I'm learning about bpd and in my opinion he has many more behaviors/traits of bpd than bipolar, but without a real psychoanalysis, we don't know.  I just read Stop Walking on Eggshells, very helpful.
When life is easy for him, he does pretty well, but when he's stress out, he often looks for reasons outside of a mental illness that is causing him symptoms. One reason he states as a cause of his problems is the fact that my husband and I had put him in the hospital when he was 18 (3-day stay). He believes that we were abusive and we caused him to have PTSD. He has told many family members that we are horrible people. He goes though periods where he cuts off all contact with us. One time his cut off lasted 5 years. He lives in NYC, we live in Michigan.
Right now he is really going through a rough time and again has cut us off. Due to the pandemic, he lost his business. He is currently suing his landlord because he believes he gets sick from inhaling mold in his apartment so he's homeless, living in hotels on credit. His fiancé who he lived with for seven years left him.
He has one brother that he cut ties with 5 years ago.
My concern is he will fall apart, by himself and broke in a city that can be dangerous for vunerable people.
I do my best to take care of myself. I know this is basically out of my hands and that he needs to reach out for help.
If anyone has any advice here, I appreciate it. Thank you.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married. With adult child relationship can be described as loving. Cloudy with sunny breaks. High wind warning. Risk of thunderstorms but much less severe than previous. Long term forecast shows promise of sunnier days ahead
Posts: 180



« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2021, 02:13:53 PM »

Hi HP, and welcome to our family!

I read your post and OH my GOODNESS the similarities!

My son was only ever diagnosed ADHD, but an article in Time Magazine when he was around 18-19 made me wonder if he was bi-polar.  The article talked about bi-polar children incorrectly diagnosed as ADHD and everything made sense including the fact that ADHD medications actually made things worse not better.   Interestingly enough the last therapist we saw (together) when he was 29 years old suggested that he saw Asperger's (or high functioning ASD) instead.  My current theory is a comorbidity of that and BPD.   Yet, as you said
Excerpt
without a real psychoanalysis, we don't know.
The therapist only mentioned it to me, not him on a visit where he didn't show up.  You said your son
Excerpt
refused that diagnosis and mental health care then, and that is the case today. He is 40.
  I have never offered my son a "diagnosis", but he does refuse any help and even if I suggest counselling because he is suicidal he calls it gaslighting.   My son is currently 32 years old.

My son is also extremely angry with me for putting him in a hospital when he was 25.  How dare I put him in danger in front of cops and doctors!

I think that between the idea that the hospital is a dangerous place and that he doesn't want a diagnosis is that he fears what it could result in.  He fears that it could mean he will be discriminated against, or worst case scenario he gets locked up against his will.

You said
Excerpt
When life is easy for him, he does pretty well, but when he's stress out, he often looks for reasons outside of a mental illness that is causing him symptoms.
  Check  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

You said  
Excerpt
He believes that we were abusive and we caused him to have PTSD.
 check  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
He has told many family members that we are horrible people.
 He has only talked that way about my husband that I know of.  He tells friends and people he hardly knows that I have abandoned him.

My son lives on the other side of the country as well.

The craziest similarity that I did not expect is this one:  
Excerpt
You said he believes he gets sick from inhaling mold in his apartment
 CHECK!  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)    My son was told back in 2017 (29 yrs old) that he could not come here because the last few times he was here he was very disruptive.   That was before I knew about BPD.  (I would handle things differently now).  Anyways, he tested us a few months later by saying that he couldn't live in his apartment because of mold and bed bugs.  I held my ground at the time and wouldn't take him in.  I did purchase him a steam cleaner as a gift instead.   He still brings this up constantly saying that I wouldn't take care of him in his time of desperate need.  That I turned him away like an unwanted dog.  Just yesterday - 3 years later - he texted me again saying he can't sing anymore because the mold has affected his lungs so badly.  (He used to busk for a living and did well at it).

Only big difference is that my son only threatens to cut me off, but still reaches out nearly every day.  Even if to berate me or tell me how much he is hurting.

I don't have any great advice at the moment but things will come to me.  Hopefully others will chime in.  

Wishing you all the best

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

R
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“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

― Charles R. Swindoll
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Relationship status: Married. With adult child relationship can be described as loving. Cloudy with sunny breaks. High wind warning. Risk of thunderstorms but much less severe than previous. Long term forecast shows promise of sunnier days ahead
Posts: 180



« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2021, 03:16:49 AM »

Me again,

I just re-read my post.    Just to be clear my son has not lived in a moldy place for the last 3 years.   Lol

He moved out of that place back then.   It was only a few hours from my place and I did check it out.   I didn’t see any mold of any real concern but I did offer some cleaning suggestions.  

He also felt that the powdered product that he was using to deter bed bugs (sprinkled across the doorway and around the perimeter of his room) was affecting his lungs also which is why I offered the gift of a steam cleaner.  

I wonder if anyone else has experienced these kind of almost phobias?

I find it interesting how he blames that short period of time in his life for the reason he feels his voice is no longer any good and he can’t sing anymore.  I’d love to ask him why he doesn’t think that 15 years of smoking has anything to do with it.  Or maybe he wrecked his voice by shouting so hard and loud.  I’m not going there...   even though I’d love to throw the responsibility back on him I suppose it would just be completely invalidating.    

Sigh

R
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“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

― Charles R. Swindoll
hpflmom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Relationship status: married
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2021, 10:43:53 AM »

Thanks for your reply R. I belong to a few Facebook support groups and my local NAMI group. It's just amazing how similar our love one's symptoms can be. In some way, it's also a comfort to know that the common symptoms, no matter how difficult, are the result of a disease that they have no control over.
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