Silent Treatment from Undiagnosed BPD Sister

[Chiron7]

First time poster. My sister, undiagnosed BPD, (my therapist thinks she has BPD and fits descriptions) has been giving me the silent treatment since June. It was over something that didn't warrant the biggest rift in our 30+ year sibling relationship and in fact, I spent the first 3 months of her silent treatment not even knowing why she was upset with me. I tried to seek family therapy but in the end, my sister DECIDED it was best for her not to speak with me. She wrote this in an email (after I initiated contact) with no questions about how I felt- just a statement about not speaking with me without an end date or plans to reconcile.

While I don't miss the ups and downs of our relationship and these unexpected issues, it's incredibly painful to deal with this. Sometimes forget it's happening but other times I'm "triggered." It doesn't help that she lives only a few blocks away from me (her choice) and I'm afraid I'll run into her unexpectedly. So I guess I'm looking for support, validation and tips for dealing with the loss.

My parents refuse to admit / believe she has BPD. My father is a recovering alcoholic (so is she) and has almost always empathized with her over me. My mother acts as if it's not her problem and yet her and her sister have been estranged since early in their adult life so I've always worried this pattern would repeat, and now it has. Both of them maintain that they must stay out of it, however, my dad has slipped and said things that imply I'm in the wrong. In fact, she is upset with me for agreeing with something my father said over text last summer. So I'm being singled out. I don't see this being resolved unless she magically decides to speak with me. And even if that happens, I don't see how I can trust her, knowing she can turn on me and then use a lifetime of perceived wrongs perpetrated by me, of course, as justification for her behavior. She has never taken responsibility for her behavior towards me and if I bring it up, I'm the one, in the eyes of my family, of bringing up the past, whereas she is justified for her behavior. WHEW. Thanks for all your help in advanced.

[beatricex]

hi Chiron7,
Glad you are here and seeking answers.

This is tough.  The silent treatment, I always felt, was worse than someone screaming at me.  The anger is much harder to deal with as they give you no out.

 

b

[Lucky83]

Hi, I don’t think I have any wisdom to share with you, but I wanted to say that I am in a similar place with my sister and it is hard. We have had no contact for about eight months now, after my sister told me that she plans to “lead a more private life” due to recent “misunderstandings.” This was after many members of our family (including me) expressed concern about her mental health and took action to protect her daughter’s safety. We knew she’d be upset and hurt by all of this, but I was not prepared for how terrible it feels to have my sister cut off contact. It is so hard to come to terms with the loss of the good parts of our relationship, to feel that she has rejected me (and the rest of our family), and to be second-guessing whether I could have done things differently. It is awful for me, and I’m sorry that you’re going through something like this, too. I’m also sorry that your parents are not as supportive or understanding as they could be.