Finding the difference between the BPD and my real sister

[tigers17]

Hi there, this is my first post and I appreciate being a part of and finding this community. It has already provided great clarity and sense of understanding!

I have been seening a BPD therapist to gain understanding and learn some tools in how to deal with my older sister. I am 100% certain she has BPD, but like many others, she does not know this. She was diagnosed Bipolar 4 years back, but that has done more damage than good. Being on lithium has made things worse and she uses it as a crutch sometimes.

I am here today as I struggle with missing my sister, wanting to reach out despite a recent blow-up and us not being on speaking terms these last few months. I miss having a sister, sending silly texts, laughing about our parents, knowing how she is doing, and telling her exciting things about my life. But despite some neutral holiday texts and love sent back and forth, she has recently completely ghosted me. I know this is due to her own insecurity and fear of judgment with some recent life choices. But I can't help but feel confused and frustrated with her deciding to cut me off after we had reached some mutual understanding and love. Or so I thought...

I am struggling with old patterns of being the "rescuer" and making sure she is okay, and genuinely missing her. I guess I am not sure what to believe in myself, if that makes sense? I want a loving and neutral relationship with her, especially with my father getting re-married this summer. The thought of seeing her brings anxiety if we have not spoken.

She is my only sister and I don't want to lose her completely, but this is all so fresh still.
I know these thoughts are a bit scattered, but as you all can relate to, it is complicated and has a lot of different variables making it all confusing.

Any stories, insight or tips are immensely appreciated!

[PearlsBefore]

Very briefly

-There are definitely other folks here struggling with a Bipolar diagnosis when it should've said Borderline. I've had to explain to (non-MH) professionals myself that "No, BPD is not just like a borderline half-case of Bipolar" - aggravating, right?

-Best short advice from me (others will have better) is to restrain yourself from being the rescuing hero, not because of "tough love" or "enabling", but because it's the hero that will eventually get turned into her nemesis...and often she recycles the same people multiple times, but the easiest way to avoid her deciding that you're the anti-Christ and to be shunned is simply to avoid letting her have high opinions and expectations on you. Just be the "casual friend" sister as much as possible, don't play up the "I'd do anything for you, sisters for life, blood is thicker than water" angle because you risk it backfiring when she feels "betrayed".

[Mtnlvr8]

I relate to your post more than any I have read here so far. I too have always been extremely close to my sister and grew up in the role of her rescuer. Trying to change that dynamic and setting firm boundaries and having periods of no contact have been huge for me and my self-esteem. It has also been intensely painful as one of my deepest desires is to have a good relationship with her and share all the silly things that we used to. 

I also have anxiety about the next time I see her which will likely be my wedding this summer. I am hoping at the very least things will be civil between us, but I am scared there will be a blow up and all my attention will be focused on her and my feelings about her. Even just being civil, but distant would be very difficult as this is exactly the type of situation I most miss my silly loving sister.

What has been really helpful for me is realizing that when I play the role of rescuer, reach out without setting boundaries, or excuse her dysregulated behavior... in addition to hurting myself I am not actually helping her. All the years I put myself second and did everything I could to validate and help her at my own expense, I wasn’t really helping her. I was enabling and continuing the problematic patterns. I hope you can have a relationship with your sister in the times she is capable of it, but in order to have that, you must be strong in creating firm boundaries and creating new patterns without giving in to the old ones. It’s easier said than done, and I am still struggling to navigate this as well, but we can do it!

She will likely always have ups and downs. The best thing you can do is learn to enjoy the ups while continuing to develop a separation for yourself that will protect you during the down and keep you from falling back into old patterns. Remember, it is for her sake as well as yours, things cannot get better if you reinforce the old patterns by giving in to her. Feel free to keep in touch. The similarities in our situations seems significant and I would love to support one another.

[wantmorepeace]

I relate so much to all of this. Has got me wondering whether I'm setting boundaries well enough.  Trying to take that middle road.

[Mtnlvr8]

The middle road is tough. Part of me wants to go nc sometimes, and there have been periods when I have, but if there is a possibility of a middle road and some relationship I want that. The pain of missing her is intense when I am nc at all. So I'm trying to figure it out. Would love to hear more about what you or anyone else's "middle road" looks like and how it's going.

[tigers17]

Thank you for your reply! I can relate to your response on more levels than many of the other posts I read as well. I'm currently in no contact, her choice, but I have used the time to learn, do some self-work, and make some progress on what I can control - myself.

What I have learned and am trying to accept within myself is this: we cannot control them, as much as we wish we could sometimes. I like to control things too often sometimes, so releasing that is hard. However, I know that I am withholding my end of the sister bargain - I am loving her unconditionally, I have said many times I am here no matter what, and that I will always and forever be her sister. I was raised in a tight family, who never leaves someone behind, but what I've now learned, is the more we protect and "save" her, the more I hinder her ability to do it on her own and gain the confidence within herself. Now, that is easier said than done, especially as I know BPD has intrinsic loneliness and paranoia of being abandoned. She is creating a self-fulling prophecy and I hate it. I haven't found a middle road yet. I am still trying to handle frustration and guilt, but I'm getting better!

I recommend you give yourself grace as well. Find peace knowing that you are, and continue to, uphold your end of the bargain. Know that you continue to do the work for both you and her. And know, as hard as it is to ease the pain, that the more we rescue and protect and save, while it will provide short-term relief to them, it will create long-term insecurity and self-doubt.

I wish I had more answers, as I continue to do the work I hope I find them! I still am in a chess match within my own brain daily between reaching out, love and sadness, and also protecting myself and not engaging with her in her current state. I worry I may never have a relationship with her, but that isn't in my control right now. I know that I love her, I am always there for her, I wish her nothing but success, and I am hopeful for a bright future. And that I try to find peace in.

I hope you can start to find that peace and self-grace as well! (I struggle with this daily for the record..one day I hope it gets easier).

[wantmorepeace]

My middle road:  In contact, but more observant and questioning of what I do.  Definitely not trying to control.  Trying to: validate without lying, take time and space for myself when gut tells me it's needed, talking to myself (a lot) to validate how hard this is and that, despite feeling weak, I will continue to survive it when things get ugly.