Silver Linings?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've read a lot here about how, after being in a relationship with a pwBPD, a person is often traumatized, or exhibits some BPDish stuff themselves. I'm sure that's true, but in analyzing myself, I'm coming to the conclusion that this experience has actually rid me of several negative traits, and I'm wondering how many others here feel the same way.

I have struggled with codependency, and fear of abandonment myself. I used to attach great importance to whether or not I heard back from a friend, or if people were glad to see me. I would spend the day thinking about things like that.

I would be the type to try to persuade a visitor to stay a bit longer, not in a BDPish dramatic way, but still there was a degree of pressure coming from me, hidden behind good naturedness.

After this year long deluge of neediness, clinginess, and suffocating FOG, I have come to despise anything that smacks of these things, and I believe it has purged me of my former neediness. In future friendships and relationships, I am sure I will never offer even the slightest whiff of pressure, no "oh come on...lighten up. Let's just hang out", "ohhh, just come over for coffee and then you can do xyz". No pressure from me at all, not because I'm strategically holding it in to be a more attractive friend, but because I have now experienced an extreme version of the receiving end.

I think I also have learned to screen people better now, and anyone who seems like they may turn needy or clingy in any way or use any sort of pressure will be avoided like the plague. I'll also be much more wary of getting into friendships or relationships in general.

Has anyone else experienced this? That they were actually better off once on the other side?

I've been stressing so much about what to do, I wanted to think a bit positively for a moment.

[siochain]

I've read a lot here about how, after being in a relationship with a pwBPD, a person is often traumatized, or exhibits some BPDish stuff themselves. I'm sure that's true, but in analyzing myself, I'm coming to the conclusion that this experience has actually rid me of several negative traits, and I'm wondering how many others here feel the same way.

I have struggled with codependency, and fear of abandonment myself. I used to attach great importance to whether or not I heard back from a friend, or if people were glad to see me. I would spend the day thinking about things like that.

I would be the type to try to persuade a visitor to stay a bit longer, not in a BDPish dramatic way, but still there was a degree of pressure coming from me, hidden behind good naturedness.

After this year long deluge of neediness, clinginess, and suffocating FOG, I have come to despise anything that smacks of these things, and I believe it has purged me of my former neediness. In future friendships and relationships, I am sure I will never offer even the slightest whiff of pressure, no "oh come on...lighten up. Let's just hang out", "ohhh, just come over for coffee and then you can do xyz". No pressure from me at all, not because I'm strategically holding it in to be a more attractive friend, but because I have now experienced an extreme version of the receiving end.

I think I also have learned to screen people better now, and anyone who seems like they may turn needy or clingy in any way or use any sort of pressure will be avoided like the plague. I'll also be much more wary of getting into friendships or relationships in general.

Has anyone else experienced this? That they were actually better off once on the other side?

I've been stressing so much about what to do, I wanted to think a bit positively for a moment.

[mart555]

Hell yes.  Major improvement for me.  It's day and night, well... I think.  My priorities have changed, I've got a more positive outlook towards life even if it's sometimes difficult, kids are doing better, I can be myself and don't have to walk on eggshells, ..

It comes at a price however.  That divorce isn't cheap..