I want to know if anyone else has someone who does this especially one they are dating and if it bothers you as well. How do you handle it? How do I get him to listen to me and talk to me?
Hello and Welcome,
You made a brave step to post for the first time. I always felt that making the effort of getting my thoughts organized and down in a written format helped me feel better.
I was hoping to toss out a couple of ideas to maybe kick around.
First - yes the push/pull behavior is very normal with pwBPD (people with BPD) as they struggle to regulate harmfully intense emotions and feelings of abandonment and engulfment. Its very hard to experience. Silent treatment is actually considered a form of verbal abuse, which I know is hard to wrap your head around. How can silent treatment be verbal abuse? It gives some one else power of the conversation, the engagement, the way dialog flows back and forth. Please let me be very clear that I am NOT suggesting you tell this to your BF. This is information only for you. As you consider tools and skills that may help deal with the behavior know that its very normal to be upset and disturbed by the push/pull. The confusion you have is normal.
He said he does not know what he wants but he knows he can't handle it anymore and it is destroying him mentally and emotionally.
It sounds like when he becomes emotionally overwhelmed he retreats. You probably know by now that pwBPD have harmfully intense emotions that fluctuate rapidly and maladaptive ways of coping with them. When things get to much for him he backs away. I would suggest you do NOT want to over pursue him. Over Pursuing, adding emotions to the situation will likely make him more dysregulated not less. which it sounds like you experienced when you returned to the conversation after 3 days. It takes longer for a pwBPD to return to emotional baseline (a calm steady state) and its harder for them to maintain it.
How do you handle it?
First, work to understand that this is not personal. It may feel extremely personal but its very unlikely that he is directing this at you intentionally. The way he processes life and emotions is very different than the way you do and he is working to creating a sense of emotional safety for himself.
How do I get him to listen to me and talk to me?
There are communications skills and tools that you can use to help facilitate more productive talks. You can't make him listen to you, and you can't make him talk to you. Which is I know isn't really what you want to hear. The skills and tools located in the Lessons thread of this board outline places to start. Working on validation, SET, JADE, and other communication building tools can create a potential for more understanding. This is work for you - again something you may not want to share until you have a better understanding and feel more comfortable.
I notice Cat Familiar linked you to two of the lessons. What questions did they bring up for you?
'ducks