From Hero to Villan

[tigers17]

I went from being the lighthouse in her life, to her avoiding me and ghosting me at all costs.

I went from having a sister, to being public enemy number one.
The cause was nothing substantial, of course. But I know the story she has now convinced herself is reality, and I am the culprit of all things bad now apparently. Long story short, she didn't get her way, and now I was the one who was never there for her or had her back.

I'm sure some small unconscious piece misses being that person for her, that hero or go-to. But my larger conscious mind just misses having a sister.

Half of me wants to reach out because I miss my sister.
The other half doesn't miss the tip-toeing.

I don't miss having to hide that I'm going to visit my family or go to Disneyland with my family because I know she will somehow feel left out or uninvited (which is never the case).

I don't miss having to worry about what I do or don't post on social media (she's blocked me on all accounts).

I don't miss always overthinking or second guessing what I'm saying, posting, doing, deciding out of fear of hurting her feelings or having to manage her outbreak.

But I do miss my sister. I do miss laughing with her, sending each other funny memes or sharing funny stories.

I do miss getting lunch, having dance parties or laughing about life.
I wish I didn't have to stress about seeing her at my dad's upcoming wedding, I wish I could look forward to it and doing it together.

Right when I feel compassionate enough to text her because I know she is feeling isolated, I don't because of all the unknowns of How she may respond, How she may lash out at me, How it would move forward, etc.

Does anyone else have a constant chess match going on in their head with their relationship with a BPD?

I am stuck with so many questions of what our adult sisterhood will or won't look like. I know what I want, I know the reality of BPD, but I don't know if there is a balance of having her in my life and avoiding the constant back and forth.