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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: SO I gave my Lawyer the go ahead to file the div, BPDW does not know, it hurts.  (Read 374 times)
Serenitywithin
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: January 29, 2021, 02:04:00 PM »

SO I gave my Lawyer the go ahead to file today. She is filing the papers on Monday. My Bpd Wife has no clue that I am filing I have been trying for a month and a half to try to have one last conversation to get her to see she needs help, but there have been several terrible times and no good calm times have come up where I could talk to her. In my mind I know I was trying to rationalize if I can jsut try one more time maybe she will stand up and say you know, maybe I should go get some help.
But I know that after 16 years of marriage that is not what will happen it will become another argument, another rage, another thing for her to turn around on me and tell me that I am the one who needs to go get help.
My twelve year olds anxiety and fear of her mother losing it again is getting worse and I can no longer ignore or try to rationalize dragging this out any longer. Last night she heard me walking to the base ment as I am an IT engineer and needed to do some after hours maint for a client and got scared and locked her door and called my mom to tell her she was scared and would not even peak out of the door.
For those who have not read my previous posts I have had papers drawn up since Halloween. Wanted to wait till after Thanksgiving then her Gpa(like her dad) died the day I was gonna talk to her about it, I was the nice guy and decided to wait which put us into Christmas so decided to wait till the new year, then her Gma one the other side of the family who she was not close to died but it still upset her some. In the past two weeks I was going to try to have this last self reflection conversation with her but there were small arguments started over small stuff and when I try to not engage, or simply ask why she is mad, I get all these little rage and texts about how I need to quit assuming she is mad even though she has the look that would kill if it could and it is obvious. Last week after a small argument where I simply disengaged she literally told me I gaslight her all the time and make her feel bad about things with the kids in a text. Which is hilarious since that is what she does to me and the kids all the time . The kids cant hardly stand to listen to her speak any longer because she is constantly twisting words and conversations around to the point we all think she is lying.
SO my two oldest out of 4 are vocal right now about leaving and want me to divorce her. Their Therapist seems to think that they need to be separated from her and said when it goes down she will be recommending sole custody for me because the kids are distraught..
My next one son 11 has always been her golden child but the way he snaps to and says yes sir, yes ma'am the minute she says anything and the things he sometimes says to his sisters when he overhears something makes me think he is a little scared of her as well. He had told the therapist a few years ago about how she lies all the time. so he sees it as well but I fear the anger he may have at me for actually leaving.
My 3 yr old is a little peach.. she will have no clue, but mom is over enmeshed with her right now and it will be good for her to be away some.
I dont want to pull her out of their lives completely but the two older ones already want nothing to do with her.

So now that the background is out of the way I fell like a POS for filign when she has no idea it is coming? She just asked me a few nights ago if I will do this how we love couples devotional with her every night starting soon? She tried to engage in her normal make up sex last night by hinting at it around bed time but when I did not take the bait she went to sleep. Normally she has sex and then she goes back to normal non raging self until her next episode but kind of expects me to forget everything that happened which has nons it is really hard to do.

I guess I am hurting at the grief that it is finally over. and hurting because I feel like an A$$hole for filing without telling her. I do still love her and would love for her to get some real help but I dont think she will start that process until she loses everything. I also feel kind of numb and I know and accept that I have been the victim of emotional abuse for years and have jsut explained it away and hid it from other people. I have a hard time even saying that as my wife is a petite woman and I am 6/4 260lb muscular athletic guy, and it seems pathetic to say I have been abused. But I know that it is what has happened.

I am also struggling with whether or not I should start alerting her to the comping serving of papers or just plan it so the kids are out of the house when it happens? I know normally you would tell a normal spouse hey I want a divorce, they would likely already suspect that and then a conversation could happen? with this I got no idea what to expect if I drop that bomb.

Anyone who has been through this and had to be the one to file . any advice would be greatly appreciated. Or even sharing of your experiences would be helpful, bad and good, you cant make me any worse off but I would like to know if there are things that could happen I have not thought through.

God I hate this.

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RestlessWanderer
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« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2021, 02:36:19 PM »

Serenitywithin, I am in the same boat, but about 4 weeks ahead. I filed an order of protection a week before Christmas because she lost it again, screaming at our S7 over missing remotes, then throwing them at us when they were found right on the bed, then she hit me right in front of our S. I definitely didn’t want to do it over Christmas, but I had no choice there’s never a “good” time to do it. But we have to do it when we can’t take it anymore. I filed the papers on a Friday but it didn’t get signed by the judge until that Monday. I felt terrible all weekend knowing she was going to be blindsided. The day the judge signed the TPO I left and took my S to my mom’s. W didn’t answer the door when the sheriff came by to serve her. Because of that she had no idea why I wasn’t answering or where we were. I hated that this caused her so much pain and distress. My only consolation was thinking about how I felt all those times she raged or got violent. I also kept replaying the fear and terror in my sons face the last time she flipped out on us. She finally got served the TPO that Tuesday.
I too hoped for change for too long. My L filed for D the same day the judge signed the TPO. My STBX was served those papers the day after Christmas. Since then she has yet to accept responsibility for what prompted this change. She justifies her actions by blaming me for escalating things. I didn’t escalate it at all. Besides there’s no justification for violence towards our S.
S7 is still too young to completely understand why he can’t be at home or  see his mom unsupervised. We’ve talked about the D and I keep it simple by saying it’s to put an end to the fighting. D is never easy on kids, but it’s not nearly as traumatizing as living in that environment.
Don’t beat yourself up, you’re doing the right thing. It’s ok to feel bad about it, let those feelings come and go. But try and reminded yourself of how much worse the alternative is. If you’re like me, you don’t minimize W’s actions.
So far the largest benefit has been living without the fear of the next outburst, as well as being free of the daily insults and anger. I’ll take the occasional bad feelings over the daily swallowing of my pride.
Stay strong. You made the right call.
Might I suggest filing a TPO or no contact order. This has helped me from giving in to her “friendly” requests for help. I know I can’t violate the NC, it gives me the strength to stand firm and frees me from the guilt of stonewalling.
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Serenitywithin
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« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2021, 04:43:24 PM »

Thanks rw:  I have been following several of your threads ND know your story as well...

My wife works at our kids school and the lawyerr said. A tpo would result. In her losing her job. So I don't want to do that unless I have to!  She is awesome to other people's kids. And picks up on other parents doing the same things she does as far as the emotional abuse, but she can't see how she does the same things to her own children..

She is oblivious to the issues...  I just got called into my kids t session because she thi KS the anxiety being caused by mom is so great that my daughter is experiencing some phychosis she is paranoid and thinks S someone  is behind her even when know one is there...   She told me to get her in to pediatrician to get some anxiety meds something light because mom does not even know about divorce yet and my 12 yr old is beggining g to crack...


I am literally in Therapist waiting room trying not to break down In Tears right now...
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Goosey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2021, 07:54:18 PM »

Oh I feel awful for you both.
  There is no good time to file. There is just that action.
In a few months you’ll look back and think “what was the breaking point” that made you do it. And all the timelines and events will just mash up with no clear answer.
  To file divorce while in agony trying to understand the torment and abuse from someone you love  is the ultimate agony.
  We all have people who depend on us. We have to keep moving to the next day.
  It’s a process. Excruciatingly slow. But a process.
I struggle with my self care. I pay all the bills way before. I take care of animals. I just don’t care about myself. Maybe never did that’s why I went through this.
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RestlessWanderer
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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2021, 09:54:27 PM »

I saw my TPO as a consequence for W’s actions. I can see that you are facing a tough choice. A NC would help provide some buffer with consequences for breaking it. At least that would help you and essentially give her an ultimatum without immediately threatening her job. That would essentially hold her more accountable for her behavior.
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EyesUp
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2021, 10:42:34 AM »

You're both a bit ahead of me, I fear I'm following in this path.

I don't have a safety plan - no where to take the kids medium/long-term, only short term.

They've seen their mom angry, at me and also at them, but they love her.

They are afraid of a divorce, so I hate to be the one to initiate - but my W is splitting and we are far from modeling good behavior for these kids, no matter how much I attempt to grey rock it.

I admire both of you for your conviction and for doing the right things to protect your kids, and yourselves.

Please keep us posted on your progress, and good luck.
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Serenitywithin
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« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2021, 11:00:25 AM »

Eyes up I was in your position for years.
I thought I was staying for the kids to show them how to fight for a relationship. But it was modeling how to let someone walk all over you and stay which I dont want to be a model for them. I was also scared becasue after talking to lawyers 50/50 was the best I could hope for now my older two are in therapy and having issues from the abuse.
I always thought if we are together I can at least shield them fro mit some where in a 50/50 I would be helpless to guard them her 50%. but Now with my older two not wanting anythign to do with her and wanting this divorce, there is enough evidence (I keep a ton of notes nd recordings) that the lawyer thinks I shoudbe able to get more time or sole custoday. The kids therapist said she will work with the guardian ad litem and has said she will be recommending Sole custody with supervised visitation only. So I wish I would have done it years ago, but at the same time I am glad I did not as things are lining up for me to have more of a positive in their lives.  But I hat it took the older two having so much emotional damage done that we are where we are to day.

It is a tough thing.
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RestlessWanderer
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« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2021, 11:35:29 AM »

Eyes up, I kept cycling through the same thing as you. I would be ready, then I’d change my mind. I couldn’t understand why I kept going back. I tried to rationalize it. I think it boiled down to fear, fear of a lot of things. I tolerated violence against me, which now feels dumb. But I won’t beat myself up over it. I finally got the guts to do it the first time the violence included my S as a target. Now I have that to remind me of why I’m sticking to it.

I think that divorce seems scarier than it really is. Things are already better as far as the day to day and my ability to provide the consistent and peaceful environment that S needs. He may not see anything but missing mis mom, but deep down I know he recognizes that it’s been over a month now without a single argument or fight. He hasn’t had to hear M telling me off and me just sitting there quietly just to avoid escalating things.

I hope that custody favors me (really S), but I don’t know yet.
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