I don't know

[Carguy]

So I popped back over on this board from detaching with a Question I would like opinions on.

Long story short, Been with this girl for 5 years, Several recycled, 9 months apart and she was very angry at me, I went two months no contact where she didn't even see or hear from me, we started talking last August and After the 2-month period She was a lot more willing to talk and wanted to get back together She gets upset and breaks up with me in November, she still wanted to spend Thanksgiving with me, a week and a half later is with another guy. I got upset at her Because I felt she left me for this guy. She was upset that i got upset. A few weeks later (out of curiosity) I Googled the guy's name (He tried to friend me previousl on Facebook while he was chasing after her) and found out Some bad things about him. Out of concern I let her know. She said he already told her and then she was angry at me for that. We talked a few weeks later (for several hours) and it went really well. By the end we were joking and being a little playful and when I left she even gave me a hug. A few days later I buy her some of her favorite flowers and tell her thank you for listening with empathy to me and for everything. She said thank you and gave me a hug. A few days after that I see her
and stop and say hi and I told her I really enjoyed talking to her a week ago and if she wants I would be open to hanging out again. She said sounds good and got in her car and left. I think she was trying to get back to work from her lunch but she may have also been Just trying to get rid of me. I took it as a good sign that she did not respond with anger like she had in the past when she was really angry at me though. Today I had to run into Walmart to get my prescription filled And grab some lunch. Apparently today she is Outside Gathering carts. As I approached the building I see her walking across the parking lot towards me. She walked by and didn't even looking at me (pretty sure ignoring) and I said "Hey you" And when she turned I waved. She gave Sort of Nod and just kept walking. Just like she used to do when she was angry at me. Just basic acknowledgement but Nothing else. Kind of cold really.

I don't get it. It seems like the other day We Made amends but today she is back to being cold and angry. I know their mood switches back and forth a lot. One of my thoughts Was it almost seems like she seen me walking so hurried and started walking across the parking lot to walk by Me. Maybe to see what I would do? Maybe for attention? I've been told that they like to stay in your view to keep you thinking of them. Another thought I had is In the past when she is cold and pushing me away I have always chased. Is this possibly part of it? She is looking for more chasing? I know I shouldn't try to understand a disordered mind but I would like to hear some thoughts on this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Are you hoping to restart the relationship?

[Carguy]

Cat,

Yes I would like to have a relationship with her although I don't know how deep yet. I'm trying to work on myself right now but I do care a lot for her and her kids. This last time together went a lot better than it had in the past. I learned to use communication skills that I learned here and from other places including my therapist. I admit I still have a ways to go but I found we were much more able to work through things this last time.

This last breakup I should have known better. I got defensive on the phone the night before and the next morning when we talked it upset her more. I had to go to work but she was very upset by the time i left. I knew I probably should have waited after I got off work for her to get off work to talk instead of going home (we live 20 miles apart) or should have at least text her. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and did neither. She was very upset the next day and broke up with me. For the next few weeks we still spent time together (including Thanksgiving) like we were still together until she got upset and told me it bothered her and we were not together.

Since then the things in the last message happened. I thought after we talked things were better and they seemed it but now I don't know. I haven't chased as much as in the past but I have still chased a little (the flowers and stopping to say hi/let her know about hanging out) . From the advise I have received on here and read i shouldn't chase. Maybe this has upset her? She feels engulfed by these two things? Maybe she shifted back to being angry about the past?

I noticed in the past a few times that when we were apart if she seen me in public it kind of seemed like she would try to pop up in my view even though she ignored me.  

I want to make things better between us and not worse. I have to wonder if she is trying to stay in my view and hoping to trigger my fear of abandonment/fear of losing her like in the past so I'll chase or if it's something else? At this point I'm thinking maybe I need to not chase like I've been told and just stay away for awhile so she can heal and move past these things so she see's me in a more positive light like last time? Stay out of sight until i don't trigger negative feelings?

[Cat Familiar]

Now is a good time to work on yourself so when the opportunity presents, you can bring your best self to the occasion. Here is a good article on healthy relationships

[once removed]

I haven't chased as much as in the past but I have still chased a little (the flowers and stopping to say hi/let her know about hanging out) . From the advise I have received on here and read i shouldn't chase.

it sounds a bit like youre over pursuing, Carguy.

this isnt a bpd thing, or even something that is unique to her. (generally speaking) us men often read too much into a given interaction, push for more, and women will tend to balk at that.

you have had some pleasant interactions. shes telling you that youre taking those interactions to a higher level, too fast, too soon.

[Carguy]

Thanks Cat! I'll read that as soon as I have a chance.

Once removed,

I actually felt like maybe I was over pursuing. After I stopped to say hi the one day and tell her I was open to hanging out again I felt like that and actually felt embarrassment and shame for stopping.

I'm thinking maybe I need to disappear for awhile? It seemed to help last summer when I did that for.a few months. If she decides she is interested in hanging out in that time let her contact me? I know she has a hard time reaching out but I think if I pursue at all at this point it will push her further away.