Is my daughter BPD?

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have had several therapists establish that my ex (Finally got away!) was a narcissist.  Now I fear that my daughter may be BPD.  Just recently she moved in with her father that she has not visited with in over a year and a half.  She got caught with some older boys in a vehicle (14), exploded and moved in with her father.  Her dad of course is eating this up and refusing to listen when I asked that she not have a phone.  I told him it was a honeymoon period. She is at least doing her school work now, but I fear it is all an act for the phone.  Common kid stuff, right?  Do they also curse out the police and make false allegation of physical abuse over a phone?  She keeps saying she needs a reset button.  WHAT DO I DO? After being no contact for almost two years, he is back to his same games.  He is of course blaming me for the way our child turned out since he hasn't been in contact with her for two years.  My therapist told me to leave her there and she will figure out that the grass isn't always greener.  I feel like he will do what he can to keep her away, not truly be a father.  I mean, she has a phone back and she is right back on social media.  Feel like I am in a time machine and right back in an abusive relationship with two people now.

[helpinghimorme]

I have had several therapists establish that my ex (Finally got away!) was a narcissist.  Now I fear that my daughter may be BPD.  Just recently she moved in with her father that she has not visited with in over a year and a half.  She got caught with some older boys in a vehicle (14), exploded and moved in with her father.  Her dad of course is eating this up and refusing to listen when I asked that she not have a phone.  I told him it was a honeymoon period. She is at least doing her school work now, but I fear it is all an act for the phone.  Common kid stuff, right?  Do they also curse out the police and make false allegation of physical abuse over a phone?  She keeps saying she needs a reset button.  WHAT DO I DO? After being no contact for almost two years, he is back to his same games.  He is of course blaming me for the way our child turned out since he hasn't been in contact with her for two years.  My therapist told me to leave her there and she will figure out that the grass isn't always greener.  I feel like he will do what he can to keep her away, not truly be a father.  I mean, she has a phone back and she is right back on social media.  Feel like I am in a time machine and right back in an abusive relationship with two people now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[old97]

Hi helping,

I'm pretty new to this discussion myself, so I won't even attempt to answer the question of whether your daughter is BPD or not. With that said, I can feel the frustration and confusion in your words.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist yourself. And I think (for whatever that's worth - I don't know anything about psychology) the advice you're getting is probably pretty good. Your daughter is living with a relative and is not on the streets. I get that it's not at all an ideal situation and you're rightly worried about it, but she's not in immediate physical danger.

Your ex is going to do what exes do, and there's nothing you can do to stop him from being critical and blaming you. Your daughter may or may not find the grass is not any greener there. You can't make either of them do anything they don't want to. I know its A LOT easier said than done, but I think your best bet is to just let it go for now. If you feel like she is in physical danger, then perhaps reach out through law enforcement or the courts, but if she's relatively safe, I don't think there is much you can (or should) do.

[helpinghimorme]

Thank you, I do appreciate the reply. It has been difficult letting go.  Since her sisters are now in college or living on their own, she has been an only child.  She has gone as far as telling police that I put her head through her bedroom wall and covered it with a poster.  There is of course no hole and it never happened, but this is all in response to her getting caught in a vehicle with a 17 year old boy.  I took her phone in response in order to restrict apps and remove contacts. I don't think her father will be physically abusive to her, but his motivation is to not pay child support. He took me to court to modify support and they raised it, after that happened he stopped taking his daughter.  He was mentally and physically abusive to me throughout or relationship and he is now doing the same to his current gf.  When he started talking to his daughter last month (coming up on time to modify support), I found out he was seeing a married woman that was 12 years older than our daughter.  Which is his business, but the woman was contacting my daughter on social media and his current girlfriend and him were fighting. There is just always drama and my daughter loves being in it.  It just all seems so toxic.