Adult daughter who is single parent of 3 young children

[CazC]

Hi, I have been searching for a group with whom I can discuss my relationship difficulties with my 31 year old daughter. She was diagnosed with BPD about 10 years ago. Our relationship is fraught and I feel like I am walking on eggshells most of the time. She regularly abuses me verbally and this has been happening for many years. Today it happened in front of my granddaughters who are 7 and 5. I am just looking to talk to others who may understand what this is like. This will be a first step for me in attempting to take care of myself and perhaps benefit from advice and experience from others. We live in UK. Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi CazC
I'm glad you have taken the first step towards looking after your own needs. Funny thing is that I came to the site today after a couple of days of awful verbal abuse - and feeling pretty exhausted and weary of having to deal with this.

It is such a dreadful thing to have to cop this, even when you know it is coming from someone who has a severe mental illness.

My BPD's daughter turned up today - she is week on week off with her father. So I have to step back while BPD takes the 'mum' role. This is good for both of them, so I don't mind, but it is actual chaos. 

Perhaps you might like to share how often this happens, and what sort of involvement you have with your daughter and grandchildren - ie do you see them often etc.

Keep on the journey to care for yourself and I hope you feel supported by coming to this site.

[CazC]

Hi CazC
I'm glad you have taken the first step towards looking after your own needs. Funny thing is that I came to the site today after a couple of days of awful verbal abuse - and feeling pretty exhausted and weary of having to deal with this.

It is such a dreadful thing to have to cop this, even when you know it is coming from someone who has a severe mental illness.

My BPD's daughter turned up today - she is week on week off with her father. So I have to step back while BPD takes the 'mum' role. This is good for both of them, so I don't mind, but it is actual chaos. 

Perhaps you might like to share how often this happens, and what sort of involvement you have with your daughter and grandchildren - ie do you see them often etc.

Keep on the journey to care for yourself and I hope you feel supported by coming to this site

Hi Sancho - I'm really not very good with the navigation of this site yet so will have to take a look at the weekend. Thanks for your response. I will reply to you as soon as I have worked out how to navigate this site!

[formflier]

CAZC,

I'm so glad you found us and also so sorry the verbal abuse has been such a fixture in your relationship (in front of grandkids...ugg...double ugg)   

Can you take a moment or two and share some examples of the verbal abuse.  That way we can get a flavor of what is said, how you respond...that will help us help you.

Also are you familiar with the concept of "validation"?


Good starter article on validation

BPDfamily is great for communicating with people "get it" and also it's  great place for articles and videos to build your knowledge and understanding.

Please keep posting..I'm sure we can help.

Best,

FF

[CazC]

Thanks for your responses. The verbal abuse is generally around me as a mother "you're a witch," You're a useless mother", "I hate you", "Get yourself sorted you menopausal narcissist".
You know, that kind of thing...
I've just read the article on validation. I was aware of most of the content but good to have a reminder though. Thanks for posting. My daughter talks about validation a lot, so I do think I've got a way to go to really be with her, and understand her when she is experiencing her extremes of emotion. I suppose I need to work on my negative feelings about how she never seems to be happy with anything in life. She always seems to be looking for something to go wrong, and when it doesn't go wrong, she will make something happen to make it go wrong. I have done a lot for her throughout her life, but it never seems enough. Her life is chaos. She is a single parent living in a small house. Her family dog is one of the biggest breeds, an Alaskan Malamute! Why would you do that? A small house, 3 small children (one of whom will be crawling in the next few months) and an Alaskan Malamute who is constantly in the way (he's a lovely good natured dog, but just too big for a very small house)?
When she is abusive in front of my grandchildren I get particularly upset. It seems like the children are already aware that their mother isn't well some of the time. They just shrug, and I find it heart breaking.

[formflier]

How often do the abusive conversations happen?

Normal ones?

Are most of your conversations normal or abusive?

Reflect a little bit about what is said before the abuse comes out.  Any patterns?

What is said after the abuse comes out?  What do you do?

Best,

FF

[Sancho]

Hi CazC. I've read your post a few times - lots of things you say touch a chord with me, especially 'Why would you do that?'

If I had to choose one word to describe living with a BPD person in your life, that word would be 'chaos'.

Reading up on BPD I came across studies that confirm that there are differences in the brain for someone with BPD, and one of the differences is in the frontal cortex - the area of the brain that controls reasoning, logic etc.

I'm constantly stunned by BPD D's choices and decisions - and yes when it goes wrong it's my fault.

Do you see/visit the family on a regular basis and what is the pattern of interaction? From what you say, the verbal abuse in front of the children has just started, is that right?

Also sounds as though a newish baby has joined the household?

All these factors - small house, large dog, two older children, newish baby is going to be really stressful for you daughter - and that will mean she will be more abusive I think.

I'm wondering if there is a way to lower the stress level - eg taking the older ones to your place once a week - but you might do this already.

When the abuse is happening, I don't respond at all, even though I can't believe the awful things that are being said about me! There are triggers everywhere that can bring the abuse on. One minute I might be thinking - 'She's okay at the moment, I can say something' and the next 'WHAM!' Off she goes.

I believe the abuse comes from whatever is happening within the BPD person. So I could walk in the door, say nothing, and be hit with an outpouring of abuse.

Sending loving thoughts . . . . .