What to do about the lies

[Buffyburgh]

Hi! I’m new to the group. My 24 year old daughter has BPD and the past 6 months have been extremely difficult. With COVID, all 4 of my adult children have come home. My daughter has now started accusing her sister of 20 years of physical abuse. None of which is true. It’s tearing us apart.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

Wow, four adult children moving back in during Covid - that sounds like quite a handful, for you and also for them.

I would assume it's relatively normal in such a strange circumstance that the siblings would begin relating to each other as though they were teenagers or children again - those with fewer mental health struggles will recognize how ridiculous it is after the first time or two they "tattle" to Mom about their sister missing prayers, drinking milk out of the carton or throwing a slipper at the cat. But your 24d is a little too steeped in her "emotional reality" (I use the term with an edge in my voice if it's not clear; it's not a reality at all) and because the strange circumstance requires re-establishing your identity...a pwBPD who has very little grasp of a stable identity will end up clutching at straws.

So far as practical advice, obviously you'll want to nip the allegations in the bud before they snowball into criminal charges or something ridiculous. One possible strategy might be to focus on the older sister's current shortcomings on something that really doesn't matter or upset the older sister, but the 24d can indulge a little sneer because "hah, sister still doesn't wear matching socks" or "finishes eating before everyone else" or "always put so much salt on her food" or "has terrible taste in television, Mom agrees". Pick something that won't be offensive to the older sister, but then make a show of teasing her about the "flaw" in front of the 24d a couple of times and maybe even slip in one "Haha, your television show is so boring - I prefer the show 24d was watching the other day, that looked fun".

Basically it will help pseudo-validate the 24d's insecurity that she needs to attack her older sister, by arming her with a pillow instead of a rocket launcher.