BPDM has COVID

[MKG1015]

My BPDM has COVID. She gets worse, then rebounds, then gets worse, etc. This is excruciating for me for several reasons 1. I am in VA and trying to manage this from 3 states away (She's the Waif/Queen and completely helpless) 2. it's tough to muster the ability to pretend to care when I'm on the phone with her...and 3. the worst of all and I can't believe I'm even going to write this...I almost hope she doesn't survive. She's been sick for a month.
I've been her mother since I was 6 (38 now) and I'm exhausted. She is so nasty to me unless she wants something, the entire family has washed their hands of her so she's 1000% my problem. She is draining me and my husband monetarily now! We had to pay over $1500 to bail her out of the 6 months in back rent just so she wouldn't get thrown out of the  trailer she is living in. She keeps begging to come down here to live with me and I have told her unequivocally NO.
She loves to threaten to kill herself, but now that she is legitimately sick with a deadly virus she is playing it to hilt and "I don't want to die! but don't you dare let them put me on a ventilator! I'll haunt you I swear!"
She was in a nasty mood when I called yesterday and said "I'm grumpy." I was like "ookkk then I'll let you go." her: "I'm not grumpy at you...unless you've done something I should be mad about. WHAT DID YOU DO I SHOULD BE MAD ABOUT?" Thankfully my work called and I had to hang up.
I'm sorry this is rambling but I'm trying to process this feeling that I am legit hoping my mother will die. I've always known I was going to Hell for the way I think and feel about her but surely this will come back on me in this life right?

Anyway...thanks for listening.

[zachira]

The word distressing does not begin to describe how difficult it is to deal with a mother with BPD, especially when she is extremely disregulated. You have set some healthy boundaries with your mother by not letting her move in with you. My mother with BPD died in 2019. My therapist recommended I focus on my feelings when dealing with disordered people instead of paying so much attention to their disordered behaviors. This has helped me considerably. You discontinued the call with your mother because you had to answer a call from work. What boundaries have you established with your mother regarding phone calls? In the last years of my mother's life, I returned her phone calls, and discontinued the call when I started to feel overwhelmed. It is a life long sorrow to have a mother with BPD, and to not have our well being put first by the mother who is supposed to put her children first and love them unconditionally. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can be the most helpful. There are many members here with similar challenges with a mother with BPD.

[Turkish]

I bailed my mom out many times, from 1999 to rescue her from foreclosure (and of course she waited until 4 days before so I had to take a cash advance on my credit card, the only time I've dune that), to thousand dollar utility bills to back taxes to an engine rebuild on the truck I gifted her. That was 2017. She reached out to many in the community for other rescues. Poor old woman on limited income needed help. Who wouldn't?

In retrospect, going back to the 70s when I was a little kid, she was always bad with money. 

Parents on that board also struggle with letting their kids realize the consequences of their actions.

https://www.growbeyondwords.com/understanding-how-to-use-natural-consequences-vs-logical-consequences-vs-punishment/

Natural consequences are the result of their behaviors. Logical consequences are imposed by authority figures, which we are not.  Unless you have POA.

The logical consequences of her possibly being put on a ventilator are out of her hands, the natural and logical consequences of her not writing a POLST or DNR.

My mom's neighbor felt sorry for her and used to leave human and animal food at her gate, rescuing my mother from the natural consequences of having an expensive menagerie (chickens, geese, dogs). The neighbor paid my mom to pull weeds. She took my mom to Walmart to get food and my mom spent $100 on yard statuary. I heard this story from the neighbor many years later. She rescued my mom from natural consequences.

I paid the initial down payment of my mom's back taxes which she later denied at the desk in front of the county clerks. I was very angry and hurt, but I stayed in character not to look like an

In the end, my mom ended up forced off her property, and put into a home (something she accused that I would do 20 years earlier), no longer able to take care of herself. I had to finally let it go and let her realize the consequences. If wasn't without a lot of guilt though.

[Ouch9999]

Man, do I feel you! I just posted about my BPD sister who has covid. Feels like she is using it to try to pull me back into her web. I'm having very similar thoughts as you! Just know that you're not alone in these feelings.
Sorry I don't have any advice right now. As you said, it's  exhausting. I'll reply again if I come up with any nuggets of wisdom to share 

[hugs2u]

MKG1015, I can relate to so much you wrote. Whatever thoughts you've had, I can assure I've had the same, probably worse.

My uNPD mother has dementia and is in a nursing home.  She has been nasty, negative, belittling, unstable, unreasonable and rude for my entire life and she will never live with me.

I will also probably have to subsidize her care when she runs out of money, or I will have to move her to a state where she will qualify for medicaid, after decades of begging her to save her money instead of giving it to my uNPD brother who used our mother as his ATM.

Setting boundaries is so hard and so draining. I just want it to be over. I look forward to when my mother is gone, because then will not have to be in contact with my brother anymore. I acted really happy and excited when they told me my mother was getting the vaccine but deep down inside, well I feel guilty even putting in writing how I truly felt. It makes me sad to talk about my family like this but it's how I feel. I want to move on with my life before it's too late and before I am too old myself. I want to enjoy a peaceful, healthy existence that isn't knocked off balance on a regular basis by their erratic, bizarre, nasty behavior.

Well, I am rambling too now, and I could go on and on ... but I just wanted you to know I have the same thoughts but I think we are normal. Maybe I will see you in the afterlife! ;)

[MKG1015]

Thank you all for the support.

BPDm has gotten better and I'm legit disappointed. WTF is wrong with me?

Since my initial post, she called me and SCREAMED bc the lot rent on her trailer is now $1200 behind bc she had bounced 2 checks and paid late. I had to hold the phone away from my ear bc she was so loud. After she got done telling me how it was going to clean out her bank account "I'll have no food, no heat, no nothing!" She paused waiting for me to jump in with "I'll help you." I sat here and said nothing. I'm not giving her another dime.  that. We actually have the money but NOPE not today Satan.

I didn't speak to her for two days after that...when she did call she, of course, acted like nothing happened. No apology for screaming at me about something that wasn't my fault.

Turkish- The neighbors thing happens all the time. People bail her out with food, help, etc until she is nasty and/or uses them up. It astounds me how she does it. How do they get these people to do it?

hugs2u-

I want to move on with my life before it's too late and before I am too old myself. I want to enjoy a peaceful, healthy existence that isn't knocked off balance on a regular basis by their erratic, bizarre, nasty behavior.

  do I feel you on that. I have been old since I was a child (I'm 38). I keep thinking "I'll be done raising her someday before I'm old" and yet, here I am still raising her. She is legit the reason we don't have kids. We have dogs bc at least I can justify taking care of them AND I get love in return.

Again, thank you all for the support. I haven't posted in forever bc I thought I didn't need to...clearly I did. 

[Sunflower45]

I recently came across the following article in Psychology Today that really resonated with me and addresses your guilty feelings about fantasizing about the death of a BPD parent:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201405/the-borderline-mother

The author observes that this fantasy, combined with guilt, is a typical experience of a child of a BPD parent and the natural outcome of the characteristic ways that BPD parents abuse their kids. I’ve definitely had these thoughts and the article was very reassuring to me.

[Turkish]

. I have been old since I was a child (I'm 38). I keep thinking "I'll be done raising her someday before I'm old" and yet, here I am still raising her. She is legit the reason we don't have kids. We have dogs bc at least I can justify taking care of them AND I get love in return.

You're still "raising" your mother. I'm guessing that you weren't raised in the way most kids are, as none of us here were. Do you feel you were robbed of childhood and that might be part of the reason that you chose not to have kids? What primary emotions led you to decide?

Please note that I'm not trying to talk you into it or guilt you, but to encourage drilling down.