Grateful to be here

[truthdevotee]

I've been with my partner for coming up to 8 years. We have two young children, boys, 3 years old and 1 year old. The marriage has been an extremely challenging time of life. Pain, confusion, heartache, grief...

The children bring incredible joy into both of our lives, but the day-to-day has been highly stressful and full of strife; not good for us, not good for the children.

I've been cleaning up my side of the road throughout the relationship via self-development exercises, self-education, medication, therapy and 12 Step meetings. These recovery tools have been incredible and are helping me to live at my best and grow into my potential, one day at a time. I feel extremely grateful.

I also feel extremely grateful to be here. I write this post as a profound marker for a new phase of understanding about my partner. Her behavior has been incredibly confusing over the years... perplexing, confusing, painful, etc. The intense and continuous criticism, the contradictions, the seeming inability to accept any responsibility with regard to the creation of our marriage issues, etc.

Being on my own self-development path, I've used as much of her feedback as possible to heal my side of the road. For example, healing the co-dependency patterns in relation to my family of origin.

Yet, the intensity and frequency of her anger and rage... have been extremely difficult. After 8 years, I'm grateful we are still together; my goal has been to establish as much peace as possible for our boys to grow up in.

This post is gently healing... almost like letting out a big sigh of relief. 48 hours ago, by a miracle I came across the book "The Essential Family Guide to BPD," and this website. It's relieving and comforting to start getting clarity about my partner's behavior... She appears to be or have traits of a high-functioning BP.

I'm very grateful that this place exists and that this information exists... information that I can apply to keep healing the marriage, and understanding that I can absorb so I don't feel endlessly responsible for her pain, sadness and dissatisfaction with me as a partner. I can now feel growing clarity within myself, and increased objectivity in response to her behavior. I'm coming up to Chapter 4 in the book.

So I just wanted to write this post and say "Hi," introduce myself. And I'll start browsing this site and all the resources, and continue reading the book. For example, I see that I am still invalidating her in subtle ways, due to judgement of her behavior. Now that I'm learning that she can't help but do it (e.g. criticism, anger/rage, lack of emotional self-regulation, refusal to accept responsibility for her side of the road, etc.), I can start feeling more empathy and compassion, and more objectivity. I have a tendency to introject all of the things she says about me, and I can now stop and realize it's not about me. That's... such a relief...

Thank you
 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

These relationships aren’t easy, but you’re doing everything right by working on yourself, reading, and posting here. Here’s an article that may be helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

One thing I’ve learned that has been a side benefit of having been married to two BPD spouses: I’ve developed a much thicker skin and a far better sense of self esteem. My current husband is significantly less afflicted with BPD traits, but even so, the depression and self focus and casual remoteness can still be unpleasant to be around occasionally.

Keep reading here. We have a great Community Built Knowlege Base. And keep posting. What are some of the issues you are dealing with?

[Wife struggling]

I really resonate with you post and am going through a similar situation with my husband. We have a 9 month old. I’m also grateful for this community to not feel so alone in the struggle. Learning to cope has been a real challenge. What resources other than this site have been the most helpful to you?

[truthdevotee]

These relationships aren’t easy, but you’re doing everything right by working on yourself, reading, and posting here. Here’s an article that may be helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

One thing I’ve learned that has been a side benefit of having been married to two BPD spouses: I’ve developed a much thicker skin and a far better sense of self esteem. My current husband is significantly less afflicted with BPD traits, but even so, the depression and self focus and casual remoteness can still be unpleasant to be around occasionally.

Keep reading here. We have a great Community Built Knowlege Base. And keep posting. What are some of the issues you are dealing with?

Thanks very much for the support. That's interesting and inspiring about thicker skin and self-esteem - these are qualities I need to develop. Thanks for sharing that. It's good to have a conscious focus on the things I can work on developing.

Although I've gotten better over the years, I still judge my partner's behavior. Depending on the severity of her outbursts and what they are in relation to (e.g. direct criticisms about me or not) I can become resentful, lonely and sad. Here and there, my own hostile comments can come out towards her. Fortunately, I don't get as overwhelmed and angry as I used to do and this is largely due to successful medication treatment for my own OCD and ADHD. In the past 1 year, after finding the right medications, my life has truly changed for the better in a profound way; I'm much more balanced, mindful and happy, in comparison to the past.

I've pretty much lost contact with my family of origin. My partner's hostility towards them is extremely strong. I have two older sisters and mother which my partner feels judged by and hateful towards. I've done my own healing work in this regard, as I have had enmeshment issues, which I've only recently recognized on a deep level. It was actually a book about enmeshment that led in turn to me finding this group and book. The rage in relation to my family of origin and my "mamas boy" pattern (as she calls it) has been intense, in part also due to my lack of understanding about how to handle her behavior, my feelings of overwhelm in the face of her rage, my anxiety about the impact of her behavior on our children, etc. She's hit me on 3 occasions and the intense attacks (e.g. calling me idiot, stupid, mamas boy, calling my mother fat, pushing me to get gifts from them, saying that she wants them dead, etc.)

It has been a long and tiring road. I'm starting to really see the issue before me now. I'm learning that she doesn't have control over these things and that I need to prepare for a long road. Opening my eyes to this is resulting in some sadness for me personally.

We've tried couples therapy before, but she only came for "my sake" and refused and refuses to believe she needs help. Along with her never understanding my point of view, this is the aspect that feels lonely for me; I'd love to share a common mutual focus on growth and development, but I need to let this go to a certain extent.

She appears to have a slight level of self-awareness, but when the emotionality is triggered, she loses all control and the rules completely change; she feels that what she is doing is needed and correct. It's so damaging and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time, because any tiny mistake on my side blows up into a massive issue that can ruin an entire day or several days in a row.

The testing. Manipulation. Victimhood. Her intense compulsivity with cleanliness. Her overdependency on me for looking after our boys and thus frequently not reaching my required contracted hours at work (fortunately, due to COVID-19 and being stuck at home, I have tons of flexibility. With the boys being so young, this is miraculous). The reason she is overwhelmed by childcare (she's still on maternity leave after nearly 4 years; fortunately this is possible where I live) is due to BPD - everything is intensely stressful for her.

Granted, having 2 rambunctious young toddler boys is a challenge for anybody, but with the BPD traits, it's perhaps two or three times more challenging for her.

I feel controlled and I get resentful about that and sad sometimes. This sadness/resentment is not good for our relationship because she's very perceptive and then has a reason to complain that I'm not loving enough, I'm self-centered and sensitive, etc.

I'm a bit tired and depressed today. I had a 2 day vacation last week so we had 4 days off just now, as a family. It would have been beautiful but she was so highly stressed that it made everything so difficult. It's amazing that she doesn't see what she's doing.

So what I really need to heal now is this sadness and resentment which I can do by contemplating that she has no control and that this likely resulted from trauma in her past (her mother died when she was 8 years old, and she was left with an emotionally absent/incapable father, whose favorite child is my partner's older sister).

[truthdevotee]

I really resonate with you post and am going through a similar situation with my husband. We have a 9 month old. I’m also grateful for this community to not feel so alone in the struggle. Learning to cope has been a real challenge. What resources other than this site have been the most helpful to you?

I resonate with you too. Thanks for sharing and for your empathy. Yes, learning to cope is the biggest challenge; how to face the behavior whilst remaining calm and compassionate and fulfilling my own needs is really hard. My only motivation has been my two boys. Since my own father was absent when I was growing up, I've felt the strong desire to father them in a way that I wasn't which, I've learned through research, can assist their personal development such that they grow up without the issues I've had to experience (ADHD, OCD).

The resources that have been helpful... I've been to an online 12 Step support group for many years. I try to attend meetings as frequently as possible, which are held over the phone, making it possible for me to attend with WIFI/mobile data. There are many such online support groups. The 12 Steps are a faith-based recovery tool where I have been able to make contact with people who are working on the same or similar issues e.g. recovery from addictions. The original program was AA - Alcoholics Anonymous. Out of this arose numerous groups for various issues e.g. co-dependents anonymous, narcotics anonymous, overeaters anonymous, al-anon = for family members of alcoholics, etc.

Mainly, I've talked to older men (e.g. over age of 60) who I trust over the years, which has helped me a great deal to receive the fathering I needed which I didn't get when I was young.

Apart from the above, my main support comes from books. I have the Kindle app downloaded on my phone so with an Amazon account I can basically download any book immediately that seems to be relevant for my recovery.

Lastly, medication helps me. I know people have varying views on medication. My conditions, including depression from living with my partner, have been greatly relieved from medication e.g. anti-depressant medication

 

[Cat Familiar]

When we’ve done a survey on depression, we’ve found that a overwhelming majority of our members have a fairly high level of depression. That’s not surprising, as living with a BPD partner is very stressful.

We expect that our life partner should be of support and our home a sanctuary, but often this is not the case. Most of us are codependent or caretakers, nice men and women, who want to treat our loved ones with respect and care, and be treated that way ourselves.

Because of our kind and tolerant nature, we ignored red flags during the dating phase and began to accommodate unreasonable requests from our partners, which has often led to our alienation from family and friends.

Reasserting boundaries when we’ve allowed them to be trampled in the past is not easy, but is possible. We have a right to have relationships with our families, healthy friendships with peers, and alone time for our personal enjoyment, no matter what we’ve been told by our partners.

Over time, our understanding of what a healthy relationship has often been skewed by their wants and what they assert as “needs.” It’s up to us to reclaim what we need to be fully functional human beings.

Here’s a good video:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302934

[truthdevotee]

We expect that our life partner should be of support and our home a sanctuary, but often this is not the case. Most of us are codependent or caretakers, nice men and women, who want to treat our loved ones with respect and care, and be treated that way ourselves.

That's so true... it's been a childhood dream of mine to create a home which is peaceful, calm, loving as my own childhood was chaotic and argumentative, and sometimes worse. I think my entire context for my relationship is changing; letting go of a dream which might not be or maybe which could be but might take a long time, is ultimately healthy even though there's an element of loss to it.

Because of our kind and tolerant nature, we ignored red flags during the dating phase and began to accommodate unreasonable requests from our partners, which has often led to our alienation from family and friends.

I remember a time period with severe red flags, before we were trying for children. It lasted for weeks. I had joined a 12 Step program and found a sponsor (one of my father figures) who was extremely strong, supportive, loyal and confident. Asking him for guidance, I perceived that I should stick to the relationship, above my own alarm system. I was unable to recognize whether my internal experience reflected truth/intuition or fear of uncertainty. Being self-doubtful (OCD is historically termed the "doubting disease") I believed this assertive sponsor above my own self. This has happened several times throughout my life with different male guides... it relates to my low self-esteem... so I stuck through all the difficulties, hoping, hoping that things will improve. And things have for sure improved, and now that I'm here, I feel they will improve more and more with continued work from my side. I think I can let go of a whole lot of resentment, victimhood and anger within myself over time... maybe a long time... that I have to be the emotionally strong one and won't receive that from my partner... instead I will continue receive it from other sources, which I have done through different support systems over the years. I am still with the same sponsor in my 12 Step program, and have recently learned that he was diagnosed in 2020 with bi-polar symptoms/traits, even in his early 70's. This makes sense - his highly assertive style is overboard in general... my weak self-identity so strongly identified with his guidance that I am still learning at age 34 what it means to listen to my own heart... this is a big lesson and probably one that I could never have learned without this experience...

Reasserting boundaries when we’ve allowed them to be trampled in the past is not easy, but is possible. We have a right to have relationships with our families, healthy friendships with peers, and alone time for our personal enjoyment, no matter what we’ve been told by our partners.

It's amazing... you see, she is very perceptive and she did notice the enmeshment issues... but it's just been completely blown overboard, such that I can't even Skype with my parents with my own children, unless she's in the room. Since she is rarely (extremely rarely) willing to do this, we don't Skype. And I don't call them because we agreed in couples counselling with a therapist that all communication should be passed through my partner, as a way of showing a united face to the outside world... I've read today in the book that it can be a common experience with therapists who might not identify that one of the partners has BPD.

Currently, even mentioning my family members is enough to trigger all sorts of pain for my wife... it has been a source of much grief over the years. Now I just got used to it, but I'm still controlled and have no freedom, and my parents aren't getting any younger. In a sense, I think I gave up on a deeper level.

Over time, our understanding of what a healthy relationship has often been skewed by their wants and what they assert as “needs.” It’s up to us to reclaim what we need to be fully functional human beings.

Here’s a good video:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302934

Thanks so much... yes... I've totally lost track. Well, I guess I never knew what a healthy relationship looks like, as it wasn't modelled for me in childhood. Without being armed with knowledge and experiential insight, I've gotten myself into this experience... so I see the meaningful soul growth in this experience, for me to learn, grow and evolve...

Thank you so much for the video. I'll check this out as soon as possible.





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