Sister suspected of BDP is making life hell after dad died of COVID

[Irina]

Hi everyone. I am hopeful about this board but have to say that I am in a very bad place at the moment. It's a very long story and a very complicated story and I am quite tired to go through it all. I'm not sure where and how to start so please know that there is way more than what i write, i just dont have the energy right now to elaborate.

I will be 40 in June and my sister is 36.  On the 13th January our father passed away due to covid. He, my mom and sister lived together in Romania, in the same house. I live in London since the last 2 years. I moved there to be with my partner.

My sister has intense bursts of anger since i have moved out of the house 4 years ago, and specially since i moved to the UK. We both grew up She has terrorised my parents for 2 years almost every day. She has been writing on the walls in the house, all through the house since a year already. It's full of hateful messages to myself or my parents.

both my mom and sister had covid together with my dad but my dad got very sick. she was very nasty to him while he was sick too until they got the covid test result and my father got to the hospital. my father's passing was very distressing to all of us but it was made way more worse because of what my sister does

she cotninues writing on the walls
she has destroyed things in the house, burned things, went through my fathers phone and all his private accounts and is obsessed with me and my life and that the parents have given me some financial support when i moved. my parents gave her the exact amount to get her to go to another country to finish her diploma project in architecture which she should have finished in 2009 but didn't. she blames me for not helping her with her project although i did help her 4 years and helped her with multiple projects in university as well. after 4 years i told her i had enough and that she needs to help herself. that was in 2013. since then she keeps talking about how i never helped her, how her life is ruined because she doesn;t have her diploma, how she cant have a boyfriend or a life because of the diploma etc. at the same time she does zero towards doing it. my parents offered to pay other people money to do her project, they gave her a big sum from an inheritance my mom had so that she can also go abroad like me, and that she can finsih her diploma in another coutry. they offered to buy her an appartment or pay her rent either... she is refusing anything that actually changes somethng and she is only stuck in her blaming

my mother can't grieve. me neither and its affecting my life with my partner too although we live in another country , my mothers constant calls for help and my sister's cotninuous abuse is present in our house as well

i forgot to say that my sister blocked me everywhere for 2 years, was threatening to kill herself if i come to visit, so i last saw my father 1 year before his death. she is going through my parents' stuff, looks into their phones, reads messages, then shouts them into my mother;s face. my mother is terorised.
my sister got into episodes of extreme rage since my fathers death where she bought alcohol and oil to burn things. she destroyed things in my mom's bedroom, comes during the night and screams at my sleeping mother, she takes things and burns them in the garden... she makes threats that she'll burn everything.. altely she's stalking my social media presence and my boyfriend.. it's out of control.. I am talking to 2 therapists.. i am at my wits ends

and now my boyfriend is fed up too and mad at me because i don't respond to her how "i should".

i feel very alone and helpless. I am in the uk and can't get out of the house because of the pandemic. if i go to Romania where they are, i can;t live with them, I teach online and can't teach while these things happen in the house.. i have to quarantine there 2 weeks before i can do anything or see them, which means i have to go for at least a month. which i can't because of work. then coming back i have to quarantine again but not at home but a scheme by the government where i have to pay 800 pounds for at least... I couldnt go to my father's cremation, i feel helpless and only bound to hear my helpless mom asking for help on the phone while my sister screams in the background...

on other occasions my sister promptly changes and becomes a completely normal person, talking calmly and seemingly having forgotten everything. she acts as if "yes i was upset".. she maintains her narative where she is the victim of the universe and we are murderous monsters..

I am exhausted and have no idea what to do anymore.

I am even scared she might be on this board herself and read these... I don't know what to do anymore

[Irina]

Please help.. i don't even know where to start with my therapist.
My sister is telling my mom that she is going to ruin me. She is literally abusing my mom in all senses except hitting her. She's going through my boyfriend's social media presence and is making up stories about what we did or where we went which then in turn make her more raging. My partner wants me to shut her out. We had fights about this and i fear she is going to destroy our relationship... My sister told my mom she wishes all the worst things to me and that she intends to make me "crawl back without nothing to this  sh..hole of a country" (Romania, where we both grew up and are from). She is literally obsessed with everything i do. she tries to copy all i do. when i went home i found my books read and constantly commented and underlined by her on all pages. my room had hateful thngs written on walls. she went through my stuff, my planner and laptop when i was away and copied and photographed everything.

i really don't know what sort of nightmare this is..  cant think of having kids of my own, or having a normal life with this..

2 of my therapists say it might be borderline. abother says its displaying narcisistic tendencies and sadism...

i'm so lost.. Can someone please answer to this.. what is this? does this seem familiar to anyone? what did you do?

[GaGrl]

Being in an entirely separate country is difficult, especially under pandemic restrictions.

What type of social services are available in your mother's community? We have Elder Care Services that can assist with abusive living situations such as you describe. Can you reach some sort of social work service?

[AlexWest]

Hi Irina,

I am going through a very similar situation, although yours is definitely worse and I'm really sorry. It must be incredibly hard.

I am also in London, and my family is in Australia, where Dad suddenly fell very ill with a ruptured bowel, septic shock and was in ICU for over 3 weeks. The chance of him surviving was very low.

I am Dad's Power of Attorney (appointed to make decisions for a person when they cannot), which Dad changed only a few months ago from my brother, because my brother had a psychotic meltdown and nearly killed himself, attacked police, his neighbours, which was a mix of substance abuse and BPD causing delusions and psychosis.

While Dad was in ICU, my brother refused to accept that I was Dad's EPA, and began accusing me of trying to murder Dad. Mum and Dad separated 16 years ago, but remain friends, so she was managing things in Australia while I did the paperwork in London.

For several weeks, while trying to process that Dad was about to die, and trying to manage things to help him, my brother moved into his house, smashed windows (which he blamed on me), got into Dad's personal emails and began forwarding conversations to people, went after Dad's lawyer, harassed hospital staff, abused staff at the bank for not giving him access to Dad's accounts, etc.

The hospital had to ban him from visiting Dad. For 5 weeks + I have been trying to get control of Dad's phone, internet accounts but he knows the personal details, so he keeps resetting things. At one point he changed Dad's phone number of 20 years, just to be nasty.

To cope, I have been removing things he can use as ammunition. I have slowly and painfully got control of Dad's email, phone, accounts, bills etc and have to have his mail sent to a friends address. Sometimes you think you have won, and he still gets in.

My brother has a law degree and loves to lodge complaints, and start legal proceedings against people, even if the reasons are false or illogical. He loves to waste your time. He will file a complaint in three different ombudsman's etc against a doctor who didn't give him the prescription or diagnosis he wanted.

For my own sanity, I have blocked him on every platform. Mum has done the same. We are letting him stay in Dad's house while he recovers, but have removed all valuables etc so he cannot sell them. This works for the most part and I get some peace, but sometimes he will get a new sim card and call me on a private number to rant about Mum being psychotic or something like this (he projects his thoughts / behaviour onto other people). Today, he called me 60+ times, but if I answered he would just hang up and call again. This behaviour is purely intended to annoy, frustrate and cause anger. I have just set my phone to send unknown numbers to voicemail, which is making work difficult but It's worth it.

He is in his own world, and lives off hurting other people. All his friends and family have walked away, and now he is getting desperate and we are hoping we can have him admitted soon as he is now making threats of harm and self-harm. It's that or he will get into trouble with the police, who he has a run in with every week or so. He also calls the ambulance at least once a day because he has taken too many prescription drugs, but that doesn't seem to be enough.

I do not know the situation in Romania, but if a person is hurting themselves or other people, this is usually enough to have them hospitalised or admitted to a facility where they can be medicated properly and start therapy. It is hard anywhere, and our attempts to get him assessed and admitted failed because he acted normal enough that they could not say he was a risk to others.

The psychiatrist said that preliminarily it looked like he had Narcissistic BPD, and a fixation on health / medical procedures (hypochondriac).

[AlexWest]

I have noticed that in my interactions with him, he is always seeking to agitate me and make me angry, so avoiding that and/or ignoring him usually works well. He hates being ignored.

He also ignored anything you say, so trying to be rational does not work. It's like a one way valve. This has made getting him help impossible.

At the moment, we are trying to work with his few remaining friends to trying to get him into care for the short - to mid- term, but failing that it is only a matter of time before he gets into trouble with the police or hurts himself. We don't want either of those things to happen, but it seems inevitable.

[Irina]

Thank you for your replies everyone. Alex, that sounds awful, I am so sorry.

Yes being away is so hard. Australia is so far away and the pandemic doesn't help at all.
Has your brother always been like this? I am looking behind and while i can see how some things can cause frustration, lack of hope, despair... this things are just worse and worse and sometimes i think it's crazy how they progressed so far..

we have 112, which is an emergency number where you can call ambulance and police and get someone comitted against their will for a while to get treatment. I don't want to do this. I think it's traumatic and would ruin her life. I want her to get to a psychiatrist and start therapy and medication. I hope that would help...

but it's so hard. so hard.. Because my dad passed away without a will we also need to go through a succession to inherit his money and such. This is a problem because my mom is completely helpless. She doesnt know how to use a mobile phone or a bank card or even a computer.. and she's dependent on my sister's good will. And when she is normal my sister is very responsible and helped a lot and organized a lot of things. But when she is raging she is losing it completely, threatens and does very abusive things... it's literally like dr jekyll and mr hyde

My sister also has a sort of obsession with medical conditions and takes crazy amounts of vitamins and supplements, reads medical treatises and academic papers on different ailments and doesn't sleep. she is exhausted and burnt out but keeps going... I feel very ambivalent, very concerned with her and want to help her, but at the same time very exhausted myself and angry at what she does

are you planning to go there?