etoile
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12
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« on: February 09, 2021, 11:17:33 AM » |
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Forgive me if this is not in the correct place. I am seeking a little advice on how to approach the following situation. I will try to keep it brief but can add detail if requested.
My wife and I have been together for 9 years. We officially got married 1 year ago (right before the pandemic struck). I have 2 kids from a previous marriage (ages 15 and 12). She has 2 kids from a prior relationship (18 and in college elsewhere, and 13 with severe special needs). She is not formally diagnosed, but her behavior (which I only recently understood) fits the pattern of BPD.
Over the past 9 years, we have had seemingly monthly conflict and we would just move through it because I didn't realize this was BPD. She has some OCD type of tendencies. And some of her triggers have to do with messiness of my kids. A few years ago, my kids were fairly messy (take after their bio mom). As this didn't sit well with my wife with BPD, I really came down on them to shape up and become neater. I did this becuase I didn't realize that the BPD was driving this for her, and also, I wanted to show a united parenting front. They pretty much responded. They are much less messy now, and I daresay are perhaps neater than most kids their age.
But it's become apparent that no matter how much they improve or how good they are, it will never be enough for my wife. She is still triggered by anything out of place and continues to get disproportionately angry by it. She no longer hides her disdain for my kids and has had unreasonable shouting matches with me claiming falsely that I don't support her parenting "style". It leads to bizarre and unreasonable leaps of logic such as "if they are messy, then x then y then z, and no one will ever want to marry them and you will always be bailing them out for the rest of their lives!"
When she loses control, she gets so angry that my 12 y.o. cries. She has yelled to me that my kids are "the worst kids of anyone she knows!" When I point out to her the kids in her extended family that have severe behavioral problems (which my kids don't have) then her response is, "yeah, but I don't have to live with them!"
She has lost control to the point where she has told my kids on 2 separate occasions that "if your dad and I get a divorce, it'll be your fault! Because the only thing we fight about is parenting!" She has threatened to leave multiple times and my kids are really traumatized by it all. She has even told my oldest that she has given up on her and doesn't think their relationship can ever be repaired.
At this point, the 15 y.o. is walking on eggshells, and doesn't even want to talk to her. My 13 y.o. is also fearful. I can see that my kids are really hurting. And this pain has even made me wonder if I shouldn't just divorce her to protect them from more of this abuse.
I have told the kids that none of this is their fault. They at least know that I will be there to protect them, and I will NOT let her yell at them any more. But now how do I live a life split between these two warring sides?
I KNOW I must rock the boat and confront my wife with BPD that she cannot and should not do that to the kids again. Her response so far has been to avoid and ignore the kids. And pretend like they are not in the room. This, of course, is hurtful to my kids, and thus it hurts me. She is now in the phase of loving me and being nice to me, but how can I accept this when she ignores the kids?
Any strategies for how to address this elephant in the room? Do I talk to her individually first and then mediate between her and the kids? This is so difficult because (per advice here and in books) we cannot tell her about the BPD. She has started to go to therapy (1st visit last week). It is with a therapist with Trama/SEP training.
But no idea if she has experience with BPD. Any advice on how to move forward here is greatly appreciated.
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