Shake up: Death in the family.

[Imatter33]

Hi all,

I have lost track of how long it has been since I posted. I recall that this group was so monumental to me having support, working through super hard feelings and not being alone. I relied on it heavily.

 Thank you, and all newbies be encouraged.

I have been NC with my uBPD mom for nearly 2 years. Last week a family member on her side passed away suddenly and tragically. ( I do not have a close relationship with this person, but it is very sad) I got a text from an unknown number that I realized was in fact my mom.
She was matter of fact, and I don't fault her for the text or anything. It stirred up A LOT within me though.

I have been trying to navigate feeling sad, feeling like I don't have an outlet for my grief, and just needed some people that could relate.

Ultimately I decided to not respond to the text, After about an hour of rumination... I decided to block this new number, I feel so firmly that a break in no contact has to be initiated by me. Family tragedy aside, I cannot just open a door of communication because of FOG. I cannot just jump in bc of this sad event and be a support to my mom.

I agonized over sending a sympathy card to just the family most impacted and did not know what to say, ultimately keeping it short. I am not sending a card to my mom. (I feel awful) but...


The thing that is bothering me the most is the fact that:
 I lost someone and due to my estrangement I feel cut off from a familial grieving.

Getting together with the family and remembering memories.  I want to only grieve my loved ones passing, but what is coming up for me is I am grieving the generational dysfunction in every facet of my mom's family.

I grieve for our estrangement.
I grieve for the distance in the family on all levels.
I grieve for the way my NC has affected my relationships with siblings.
I grieve for my lack of normalcy.
I grieve for all the things I have not said in two years because I feel I have to stay protected from my mother.
I grieve for all the possible crappy stuff my family will think of me for staying quiet.


And lastly I grieve for *Family Member's Passing* she was loved.
 

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you wanting to maintain NC with your mother, having empthy for your mother, and feeling sad about not being able to mourn with your family the loss of a family member you cared about. Know you are not alone in this. I am in the process of going no contact with my siblings when legal matters are settled and going no contact with most of my relatives. It is a life long sorrow to not feel safe around your own family and to decide that no contact with all/most family members is what is best for your wellbeing right now and possibly forever. People who divorce a spouse get lots of sympathy. Going no contact with your whole family is truly a much more stressful and painful loss than a divorce, yet there are few people who understand how someone can go no contact with their family. We are often expected to be loyal to our family no matter how badly they treat us. We get it and are here to support you and help in any ways we can. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Imatter33]

Z~

Thank you. You absolutely do understand.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for the loss of your family member. I can understand your grief for the loss of what you wanted for extended family. For me, it was also a grief at an illusion of a family I think.

When my father died, what I thought was my family seemed to split into my mother's side and my father's side. My mother was angry at me and had been telling her family members all kinds of things about me that were not true. However they speak to her and see her regularly and so, mainly know me through what she tells them about me. When my father died, she told them not to speak to me and so they complied. After reaching out to them with not much response- I just stopped contact.

I understand the grief. I stopped contact with them not because I didn't want a relationship with them, but because I didn't think there was much of a choice. There wasn't any way to clarify what she told them about me without it being a lie. But they are mostly connected to her and would not believe me anyway. So I let it go. But I did grieve and cry about it.

I did see them on occasion at family gatherings- this has stopped since the pandemic. While I am cordial with them on these rare occasions, I don't really feel at ease around them.  I am not NC with my BPD mother, but I keep an emotional distance.

It's sad that one disordered person has so much ability to split a family. But I also consider that they too are adults and choose to go along with her.

Perhaps you can do something in honor of your family member that doesn't involve communicating with your NC family members. - donate to a charity in their name?

[Methuen]

Hi Imatter

This sounds so so so distressing.  My condolences on the loss of the family member, and also for other the other things causing your grief.

I have learned that no matter how well we are doing in our own recovery process, life events happen which trigger the intense feelings all over again.  It is a lifelong problem.

Somehow, we bumble through it.  Eventually we find our baseline again.  We are resilient. But since our mother's BPD is never treated, and related life events don't stop happening, the triggers which stir up our grief continue to happen.  It's a cycle.

I think these periods are when we need to take particularly good care of, and be kind, to ourselves.  Meanwhile, we can continue to build on our own distress tolerance strategies.  I recently googled distress tolerance, and was reminded of things I had tried before, or heard of, but forgotten.  Distress tolerance skills really do help, especially during the most intense moments.

To piggyback on NotWendy's idea, if the obituary suggests a charity, an idea is to make a donation, and then send a note to let them know.  In this way,  you are reaching out and telling them you care.  It's genuine, and it gives you something to feel good about.

As for staying NC with your mom, it's ok for each of us to do what we need to, to take care of ourselves. You mention you have been NC for almost two years.  I'm hoping that in that time you have been able to move on with your life, find happy moments, and have good experiences.  Focus on those positives, and continue living your life, in a way that is healthy and safe for you.

[madeline7]

I am very sorry for your loss. And very sorry that you are dealing with all kids of grief due to being part of a family with someone with BPD. When I think about going NC with my uBPDm, I have anxiety about how that will affect my relationship with the rest of the FOO. In some ways that is what is keeping me in this LC mode. Like Dr. Ramani said; when one person poisons the well, everyone gets sick. One of my siblings has very little to do with me, the other continues to enable the BPDm. The irony for me is that the BPD thinks in black and white, but going NC with them sometimes means you can't have the shades of gray with the other family members. So frustrating. I am very impressed with your honesty and awareness. Your decision to maintain NC with your Mom is something I have struggled with and I am impressed by your strength. But know that whatever you decide to do, we are here to support you as you navigate this difficult time.

[Imatter33]

I just wanted to say thank you to every person that has replied. I find i am processing constantly.
I am touched by your kindness and I hope you are all okay.

imatter