Hopelessness

[Happy28]

I’m feeling hopeless about my relationship with my spouse who has BPD. From what I understand, it is a part of his illness that he is concerned with whether I respond in a way that makes him feel rejected in the moment. This seems like it makes a meaningful conversation nearly impossible. He will not apologize for the hurt he has caused by inappropriate relationships with coworkers. Which I think he might really be sorry for if his brain wasn’t so worried about rejection, so much so that he prefers to think (most of the time) that he didn’t do anything. Also he won’t apologize for the yelling at me and breaking my things over the last 6 years. I have changed myself quite a bit over those years with meditation practice, education about mental health, studying about specific mental illnesses, increasing my ability to identify my feelings and express those feelings in appropriate ways. I try to describe all of these great ways of thinking that are compassionate to ourselves. He listens but I’m not sure if it means anything to him or if he wants to try to think in ways that are more kind to himself. Can a BPD person learn to catch their harmful thoughts? He had done DBT classes, I’m not sure if he retained much. I guess he goes to the negative and thinks my helpfulness is me saying something is wrong with him. I’ve been investing a lot of time and effort to stay with him, but I don’t see that he’s working to do better - and if he did make changes, it would benefit him so much! Is it feelings of worthlessness that keep him from being able to do things that would help himself?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PearlsBefore]

The fear of rejection, and not just long-term rejection but that your comment at the breakfast table seemed like rejection, is certainly common with BPDs. I'm happy to hear he's done DBT classes, that puts him ahead of the curve on dealing with his emotional issues - you might try just telling him about a DBT/CBT video you were watching on Youtube the other day and you'd be interested in his opinion...see if you can tempt him back into re-engaging with that healthier dynamic perhaps?

Ultimately though, I found it far easier to stop expecting a pwBPD to change - either they'll "grow out of it naturally", or they'll "work through it with professional treatment over ten years", failing which "they'll never change" - it's just easier for my own mental health once I realise the first two are not happening...to accept the third. It hasn't been perfect, there are scenes not entirely dissimilar to "I'm cheating on you!", "I'm not surprised", "OMG YOU DON'T EVEN LOVE ME", "I love you, but it's been many years since I had any expectation of loyalty or cleverness from you", "OMG YOU HATE ME AND THINK I'M STUPID", "Do you think you could call the other guy and whine to him, I'm trying to prepare the children's lunches", etc.

But, while the view is not the most popular on here, the most important part of self-care is just lowering your expectations from pwBPDs and recognizing they're not only going to screw up, but will eventually seek to screw you...and possibly others as well. Diminished expectations is the secret to a happy life.