Is it ever appropriate to say how I feel?

[Nanners]

My daughter is 31 and Saturday is my birthday. She lives 15 minutes away and now has an infant daughter. The most she is willing to do is call me tomorrow afternoon (the day before my birthday). Apparently, I won't be seeing my daughter or my grand-daughter (neither of whom I've seen since New Year's Eve) on or around my 62nd b-day. I offered to stop by her house any time that's convenient for her. Last year, my daughter actually took me out for my birthday for the first time ever, and we had a nice time. I fear her husband is a controller who hates me, but I don't know for sure. I understand her work-and-new-mom burden and have offered to help out, but they prefer to take their daughter 90 minutes away to HIS mother's house. As you all know, this stuff HURTS! But if I say how I feel, I'm "making her feel guilty." Hoping to get some support around this before tomorrow afternoon. Do I say anything about how I feel, or do I need to have endless empathy once again, even though it hasn't been shown toward me her whole life? (It's why I posed the earlier question asking if anyone has experience with BPD co-occurring with NPD. BPDs supposedly feel love and empathy, but if they have NPD, they may not, since lack of empathy is a hallmark of NPD.) Thank goodness for my non-NPD daughter. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AnotherMother]

Oh, do I understand where you are coming from! My BPDD (19 yo) seems to struggle with acknowledging other people's feelings are valid and having empathy for them - especially when her emotions are heightened (fear, anger, anxiety, sadness, etc.). And, it seems as though when she does have empathy for another person (particularly her mom), there really isn't much indication of it in her words or actions. Even though this is something that appears to be consistent for people with BPD, it doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with.
I think, for quite a bit of our lives, I was looking to my daughter to make me feel validated. I wanted her to wake up one day, realize what a caring, loving mother I was and magically be able to show me that in a way that I understood. I didn't take into account that I could be a good mother and feel like I was a worthy, worthwhile human being by learning how to do that myself.
I really feel like I had to learn another language to communicate with my daughter. I learned to say what I thought and how I felt without telling her what to do. I learned to understand the things she said when she was angry, scared, excited communicated her experience of a situation or event - it wasn't my job to fact check her and it wasn't about pointing out where she was wrong. (That was a really, really valuable lesson to learn!)
If you have the opportunity to talk to you daughter on your birthday, do it. Let her know that you're glad you get to talk to her on your birthday and that even though things have been hard, you value her for who she is. No strings attached.
Make it your birthday gift to yourself. Send a message of love to her with no expectations and no restrictions. If she tells you something has been difficult, frustrating, or hurtful, let her know that even when it's hard to hear, you are glad she trusts you with her feelings.
Little steps forward can turn into miles as long as we keep walking.

[Sancho]

I think, for quite a bit of our lives, I was looking to my daughter to make me feel validated. I wanted her to wake up one day, realize what a caring, loving mother I was and magically be able to show me that in a way that I understood. I didn't take into account that I could be a good mother and feel like I was a worthy, worthwhile human being by learning how to do that myself.

I think what AnotherMother says here is excellent - good for me to keep in mind too!

It is such a difficult situation. I am sure I would say anything around this time. You might be quite right that her partner is side-lining you, which puts your daughter as piggy in the middle. If this is the case, the more you say, the more pressure he will use, and the more difficult for your daughter.

I try to think what I would do in this situation - and I have had it lots of times. I would try not to take the bait. They say they will see you sometime - not on your birthday - and I think I would say 'Well that would be so lovely. Just let me know what time so I can make sure I am here'.

It is super hurtful, but I think it's important not to play the game.

Can you plan a great birthday doing things that you enjoy - seeing other friends etc.

Not sure if this makes sense.

[Nanners]

Thanks for your advice and guidance, AnotherMother and Sancho. It helped a lot as I was nervously waiting to maybe speak with my daughter yesterday. I even started reading one of the recommended books on this site, which talks a lot about validation (in all the years of therapy for my daughter and the family, no one had EVER told me about validation, and that I could pick up skills in DBT myself, even though my daughter refused to go).

Anyway, I do have an update. We did speak yesterday on the phone. Both of us admitted we almost didn't go through with it; me, because I didn't want to have a heavy conversation on the phone and would do zoom at a minimum because tone and body language get lost on the phone, email, or text, and she, because she was scared and nervous and thought it wouldn't go well. But I decided I should just wait and see what happens and not pre-emptively tell her I wouldn't do it on the phone (since we'd previously gotten into misunderstandings via text).

She did call me, right when she said she would, we talked for an hour about some reasons for our rocky history, and it actually went very well! She also said her husband had been encouraging her to speak with me and that he didn't dislike me. At the end of the conversation, we both expressed our happiness about how well the call had gone, and then she said she'd speak to her husband about getting together for my birthday -- with her baby, of course -- and contact me again today about logistics. Well, sure enough, around noon today, she asked if we could do a birthday get-together some other weekend because she and her husband had come down with "little colds." I don't really believe that, and I think the husband just didn't want to, and I think he also didn't want my daughter and I to get together ourselves with the baby, even though she and I got together last year (pre-baby).

Even though I'm disappointed about not getting together plus seeing my grand-child, I AM very thankful for the talk we had. But I have to tell myself not to be fooled by a good conversation because I've been fooled before -- she'd "go dark" again and I wondered what happened, and then feel bad. A therapist told me to keep my expectations low for her; it's the higher expectations that hurt when they aren't met.

[Sancho]

That good talk is a good birthday present! Sounds as though you have a good handle on what is happening and how to respond.

And 'Happy Birthday'!

[AnotherMother]

Nanners,
What a wonderful thing to read this morning! I am so glad that you and your daughter were able to communicate with each other. What an amazing birthday present indeed! It was also really nice to hear that your son-in-law had been encouraging your daughter to reach out to you also. It's funny how so many of the stories we make up in our heads and accept as the truth end up being just that...stories. I find that in my personal and professional life, learning to question my understanding of what's going on is a valuable tool. Sometimes I need to take a step back and ask myself if what I believe is happening is actually what is going on or if it is a distortion that I am seeing through a lens of anger, fear, personal beliefs, or ignorance. It helps me gain perspective and get outside of my own head for a while.

Thank you for the great update and giving us all a little validation that these tools can work for us too.

Best,
AnotherMother