What now? Set a boundary this weekend - and it is holding

[khibomsis]

I guess I should have seen it coming. I have been trying to be a supportive friend after very recently breaking up with my expwBPD. After firmly but kindly resisting weeks of love bombing and the odd narrowly averted dysregulation (not to mention Valentine's Day :0 - not to sound unfeeling but what is it with BPD and holidays?), my expwBPD then started kerfuffling with Miss Triangle. Now I don't know what exactly occurred, since the privilege of the friendzone is that I am supposed to be able to not care. Still, I objected in the strongest terms to the Miss Triangle's existence being forced on my attention. Part of why I was so willing to part as lovers being that it enabled me to escape the triangle for good.

I have grappled a lot with this in terms of radical acceptance. Since I know that it is a tendency of pwBPD to create negative energy triangles, I felt that I should be able to accept it. But I never can and never will, too triggering, and the most RA allows me to do is to forgive, perhaps. That is to say, to avoid triangles but not hold a grudge. Maybe.  

Anyway, I set a boundary around this, saying that if MT was about to stage a comeback I would go NC for a while, and do my parting and grieving in decent, peaceful privacy. At the back of my head thinking "Great! Let her do the freaking caretaking for a bit". And come back when that is worked through, they have figured out what they are doing, and friendship would be much easier. It would definitely be better for me in some ways and I have resisted it mainly out of sheer stubbornness. I simply don't want to fulfil the BPD self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment.

So, lo and behold, expwBPD heard me and has removed the offending signs of MT from her life. This cannot have been easy for her since I know at the heart of it she wanted validation for the triangle. Still, one can't validate the invalid.

My question is, what do I do now? This flabbergasts me. As you know, setting a boundary when one is starting from the back foot: years of fuzzy boundaries on my part, weak and inconsistent resolutions, etc, pretty much the last thing one can expect is for a boundary to actually be respected. Now I am in unfamiliar territory.  I simply don't know how to act. I know, right  

Should I rescind the NC and go back to what I have been doing, being prepared to police at need? Or should I remain firm which I fear would send the wrong message? Advice, please, BPD fam!

[tvda]

Congratulations on enforcing your boundary!

My two cents on radical acceptance: I think that radical acceptance in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder is tremendously damaging to yourself, as it basically means allowing abuse to happen. Even worse, people who go for RA make this decision themselves (or are forced into it because of no other option) which means there are two people abusing and neglecting you: your partner and yourself. Be aware that anger turned inwards can lead to depression.

But I digress. What should you do now? In my view: not much. Dive 'inwards' and try to deeply feel how you feel now that you are enforcing a boundary. Describe the feeling. Describe where exactly you are feeling it in your body. Close your eyes, breathe deeply if you need this to better feel your emotions. Be with yourself and maybe do nothing for a couple of days. I find that when you don't know what to do or which actions to take, sometimes you just need to not take any actions.

Be at peace, wait, feel your newfound strength and see what the next few days bring. And check in with us if you have new insights or feel impulses to take action, if you want to get a second opinion before acting.

[khibomsis]

Thanks, tvda! Excellent advice   The middle path, huh... Yes, when in doubt, be still and know.

I hear what you say about radical acceptance, and indeed there is much debate about that. I think there is incredible strength in understanding it as the fact that one needs to accept the realities of BPD in order to be with a pwBPD. This applies especially when, like myself, you are stuck with it. The famous Red5 on these boards whose severely BPDW was terminally ill with cancer comes to mind. I had two FOO  members with BPD, so not the same latitude to walk away as one does with a romantic partner.  Even with my current ex, we remain friends and business partners so the form of our relationship may change, but some substance will remain. A clear sense of the realities is important.  In the beginning it was like tripping over the bottom stair all the time, you keep on expecting it to be there when it isn't.  In that sense, radical acceptance was incredibly helpful to me in dealing with the relationship. I learnt to stop tripping and hurting myself.

Indeed, though, one cannot allow oneself to be abused. The way I resolved this was to also practice radical acceptance about my own limitations, what I can take and what I can do or not do in a relationship. Compassion for myself is the root of compassion for others. I took many, many walks when we lived together.