Ending things, but feeling stuck

[Georgia98]

A few weeks ago, after struggling with a confusing, often challenging relationship for several months, my therapist told me that a lot of the things I had shared with her about my SO were within the range of pathology. She then recommended I do some research into cluster B personalities. When I read about BPD it was shocking, because the symptoms described him so perfectly.

It was an intense relationship from the beginning- within a few weeks he wanted me to move in with him, frequently alluding to the potential of marriage, wanting me to meet his young child from his previous marriage... It was a lot, especially for someone who is still in college, and has relatively little dating experience. Perhaps this alone would have been even more of a warning sign than it was for me, but like I said, I'm young and didn't have much to compare it to, I just knew it seemed off. What really began messing with me though, was the volatile, unpredictable nature of his affection. On the same day he asked me (over text) to move in with him, I got a text from him that was meant for another girl that was overtly flirtatious. Particularity troubling for me was the inability to follow through on commitments- even early on we would make plans and he would cancel at the last minute, and act like it was no big deal, even when I told him how much it hurt my feelings.

The only predictable thing is that he will change his mind. I have a job lined up in another city after college, and some days that would be fine and we could just enjoy the time we did have together and other days it was used as justification for why he couldn't follow through on things. Some days he would do anything to be with me, others he couldn't even be bothered to call when he said he would. He says I'm the best person he's ever met, that he loves me, but now he wants someone who has "long-term potential," which isn't me because I'm leaving in six months. That  baffled me because when we met, he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship and I took him at his word- besides the fact that clearly would be a terrible long-term partner (or short term!)

I'm struggling to accept that the way he treats me isn't my fault. That, when he don't want to talk to me or see me, it isn't about me. And, I'm struggling to accept that a person I care about, who I feel connected and who I could never imagine wanting to hurt, can do things to me to intentionally cause me pain.

I've been thinking a lot about why I'm attracted to this person, and why, after already breaking up three different times, I keep ignoring my needs in a relationship and letting him treat me this way. It seems like this relationship has played right into my existing insecurities. I don't seem to have the strength to follow through myself on ending things and at the moment, and we're in a sort of limbo state, neither of us wanting to really talk about it, but with me knowing that this person is not someone who is helping me grow, but instead just making me more insecure and potentially co-dependent.

I feel like I'm stuck in a net, and I'm fighting against both myself and him to leave, and stop kicking the can down the road with this. The pain of leaving is just so intense and all-consuming, that most days, with work and school being stressors of their own, I'd rather not deal with it.

[khibomsis]

Dear Georgia,   and welcome to the family! I am sorry for what what brought you here but happy you found us  
Engaging with pwBPD can be an emotional rollercoaster. But it does something for us. They touch parts deep inside of us that may have been closed off. We become addicted to the pain because it makes us feel something. So key to getting over a BPD partner is understanding what drew us into the relationships and what kept us there. Which needs of our own did they fill? This can sometimes be quite intimidating because our inner landscape is possibly terrifying. In other words, you will get over this relationship at the pace you are prepared to change and grow. The end result can often be quite rewarding, I call it the gift of BPD.
From my perspective I think you were lucky. You dodged a bullet. You are young, with a future ahead of you, new job lined up, and lots to look forward to. Had there been marriage and children involved it would get much more complicated and much more costly. There are people on these boards facing the loss of sanity, financial ruin, the loss of their homes and family. When things get hard I have a read on the Conflicted board here, it helps give me some perspective. And for a vale of pain and sorrow, the board for those who have children with BPD has no compare. I can seldom approach that board, though I have a niece with BPD. Since the disease is at least partly heritable, spare a thought for the fate you have saved your children from. I grew up with a uNBPD parent. It is hard.
This article may be helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf
Let us know what resonates with you?
 

[tokyowinter]

Hello Georgia98,
Dealing with a BPD partner can be one of the most challenging and confusing things you experience, especially if you are not used to these types of relationships. For me, it took years and multiple relationships to even realize what I was dealing with. I agree with khibomsis that there is so much to gain personally from your experience with your BPD partner; and that you may be dogging a bullet. It sounds harsh and doesn't help explain the emotional resonance, but it may just be true. I've learned that you have to allow multiple things to be true at the same time in order to work through it; I'm in love with him, he's a wonderful person, I feel totally wrapped up emotionally; and, he's bad for me, makes me feel crazy, and I'm having trouble detaching. These warning signs always present themselves at the beginning; I recognized them in my relationships but didn't head them. It's so hard to walk away, especially when it feels like there is such a spark and connection. The truth is that you do not deserve to be treated the way you are being treated and that a fruitful relationship cannot grow from a lack of empathy and abusive treatment—it will only get worse. You are right to think that the way you are being treated has nothing to do with you; that's another one of those truths you have to accept even when it doesn't feel right. Remember that you matter, you deserve to be treated well, your voice should be heard and respected, and that no quality another person has is worth losing yourself. I hope this is helpful and be strong.

[Lucky Jim]

I've been thinking a lot about why I'm attracted to this person, and why, after already breaking up three different times, I keep ignoring my needs in a relationship and letting him treat me this way.

Hey Georgia98, Welcome!  You are asking the right question, which shows a lot of self-awareness on your part.  The answer, I suggest. has something to do with your FOO or other childhood trauma.  In other words, it's likely that there is something about the dynamic in your r/s that is familiar to you.  Does that ring a bell?

The place to start, in my view, is with yourself, by learning to love and accept yourself enough that you will no longer allow yourself to be treated this way.  It's time to let go and move on.

LuckyJim

[Georgia98]

Thanks for the responses- I spend a lot of time thinking about the people in my ex's life that can't choose to leave and I certainly see myself as lucky that I got out earlier rather than later. Since the initial post, I went no-contact- it wasn't something I wanted to do, but I didn't feel that I had any other ways to enforce boundaries with him than to literally block him on everything. Now, about once a week, he'll find some new way to contact me, making a fake account on social media or, most recently email.

I'd made it clear when I blocked him that I would unblock him at the end of the month, but that I needed time to heal. Every time he contacts me I either ignore it or just repeat that sentiment, that I won't communicate with him until after March and ask that he respect that. It makes me so angry, that he is the perpetual victim, that everything is always on his terms.

In other words, it's likely that there is something about the dynamic in your r/s that is familiar to you.  Does that ring a bell?

I've thought a lot about this question, and I still don't have a clear answer. But I think I was attracted to feeling needed- the part that was familiar, I think is that I was in a sort of disciplinary role with him, always setting boundaries, basically being a parent to an adult child. In my life I've always been the responsible one, I'm comfortable in that role and I think my ex was attracted to that as well. But then he would also resent me for that. He loved trying to get me to get drunk or high with him, just push my boundaries. I remember one time he told me that the reason he hadn't gotten an STD test when I'd asked him to was because he "wanted to break me a little." Even though I was eleven years younger, I was the adult. And he was the child that was always trying to get away with things. I think that's the pattern that felt familiar to me... but when it's a grown adult with grown adult agency... I was way out of my depth.

[Lucky Jim]

Even though I was eleven years younger, I was the adult. And he was the child that was always trying to get away with things. I think that's the pattern that felt familiar to me.

Hey Georgia98,  You nailed it!  Now that you have identified the pattern, you know what to avoid.  I suggest you look for a different dynamic in your next r/s, i.e., adult to adult, which I predict will work out better for you.

LJ