Landmines

[F.Baggins]

I am glad to have a place to connect with others. I recently thought of an analogy for what I've been through and wonder if it resonates with others.

I feel like I've been in a video game for years and have worked hard to get better and better at avoiding the landmines. Then suddenly I realize that the point of the game was not to avoid the landmines but to keep from getting eaten alive. I look down and half of me is gone and the other half I hardly recognize.

I wasn't sure which topic to post in because all I know is that I have my own healing to do before I can decide if I'm working to improve things or working to leave.

Thanks for being here and thanks to Walking on Eggshells for helping me begin to see things more clearly (though I have a long way to go).

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Perfect analogy.

I had a similar analogy awhile back, but with a maze.  You keep making quick decisions based on what you know without knowing the bigger picture that you are actually in a maze. 

Just like your analogy, I have spent the past 7 years trying to solve daily issues for a little peace, trying to get back in the right direction, only to realize my life force has been greatly diminished.

[F.Baggins]

Thanks, maxsterling.

I can relate to that too.

[Cat Familiar]

A bit of backstory: 2 BPD husbands, the first--far more extreme: violence, drug use, infidelity, financial irresponsibility. The second--some traits, but mostly well-adjusted.

Like so many here, I twisted myself in knots trying to make things work in my first marriage. I appeased, supported his crazy schemes, did everything I could to make him feel loved and accepted. All my attempts to make things better just resulted in him getting away with more egregious behavior.

I've heard it said that first marriages are "practice marriages." Well, in my case, it certainly was true. I'd been with my second husband for a couple of years before any of the BPD behaviors showed up. It had been blissful until the crazy suddenly appeared.

This time around, I had a very different response. Instead of trying to be soothing, placating, and tolerant, I was angry! Undoubtedly not the best response, but on the other hand, I wasn't abandoning myself and my values.

I felt duped, set up, and that the last couple of years of bliss had been a mirage. I was without strategies to deal with his behavior and so I discovered BPD Family and found a community that understood what I was going through.

It hasn't been easy, but it's much less challenging than my first marriage was, since I'm dealing with someone who has traits, rather than full-blown BPD. I guess my point is that it doesn't help to throw away yourself in order to try and save someone else.

[F.Baggins]

Thank you, Cat Familiar. Trying to find myself again.