I dont think I learned my lesson... I talked to her again

[legalboxers]

Legal...I will say this and it is not meant as criticism...but you need to be a bit tougher on self in terms of discipline...think back to how tough she was on you over time...sometimes it is ok to shut feelings down for yourself...caring TOO much is a dangerous thing for us...focus on law school and the future...these BPD folks count on your problems to get away with what they do...remember your basics before you met her...basics are important...all the best...

Everyone here who has been replying to me, is my new "extended" family. I dont have this much backing and support as my so-called friends in real life or whom I know on a daily basis.

To me the only way I can summarize it is from an old Bob Segar (RIP) song.. "And I found myself alone Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends".. People online like you folks are the only positive influence.

[cash05458]

Legal...I found that as well...and sometimes that is good...the old forest from the trees stuff...sometimes family and close friends are too involved...too opinionated (they mean well mostly)...but strangers and a place like this can help...everyone here means well and altho they dont know you personally have your best interests in mind...but yes, legal...what you write about the phone stuff...you need to remember this: she is there for herself and her needs...not yours...not yours in ANY sense my friend...this is what these folks do...that isnt a relationship ...or not a healthy one...a true BPD will drain you of all and then move on to the next...it's prolly why everyone loves vampire and zombie series at heart when they are so bad really...it's a basic...

[legalboxers]

Legal...I found that as well...and sometimes that is good...the old forest from the trees stuff...sometimes family and close friends are too involved...too opinionated (they mean well mostly)...but strangers and a place like this can help...everyone here means well and altho they dont know you personally have your best interests in mind...but yes, legal...what you write about the phone stuff...you need to remember this: she is there for herself and her needs...not yours...not yours in ANY sense my friend...this is what these folks do...that isnt a relationship ...or not a healthy one...a true BPD will drain you of all and then move on to the next...it's prolly why everyone loves vampire and zombie series at heart when they are so bad really...it's a basic...

She woke me up the other day from the dead of sleep. Saying she found someone (this was the same story the time she told me "someone fell in her lap" and the guy after that. She has gone through 3 different people after me. I put her in her place and told her - Shes holding grudges and chips as big as her head, and one day she will be as empty and alone with the fur kids (who I miss, sadly, 2 of them always came to see me as soon as I visited her. They would slow blink me so I think they knew I was good peeps). She will get it eventually.. Im still struggling on what to do next Thursday. She got mad at me because I could not see her on her birthday since the roads by me were closed since we had a bad storm and possible tornado, but she's like "oh it cleared up later".. Yes well and good but how can I go past a road which has power wires and trees down. If I had my old truck yes. I cant with this car.

[SinisterComplex]

At my age, I always bent backwards for people. I did so much in life and got back so little. At least help someone out who made sure you were "protected" at your rallys and functions you did. All I asked for was a piece of paper, acknowledging my hard work (Im trying to get into law school). But you spit on me? Come on now. Apparently even during this pandemic since you been basically doing nothing, you could of helped someone.

The pandemic exposed quite a bit about people as a whole. The divided politics, etc. People suck. I look at it like this...you can't fix stupid so if someone doesn't want to grow and be a part of the solution I will not waste my time or effort on you. You tell those people to kick rocks! Why? In fairy tale land everyone can get along in perfect harmony and we have enough time to help everyone. In the real world time is finite and precious...you reserve it for people who matter. You only get one life so you can't take the risk of pissing it away on crappy people who do not deserve your time and attention.

So I understand you quite well LB. You are definitely a nice guy and have many amazing traits as a person. However, it gears towards you giving too much of yourself away. Find that balance. You gotta be a bit more selfish and put yourself first. Despite how society tries to water everything down and tries to neuter people...confrontation is a good thing and it is necessary. It all depends on how you go about it. For you...you need to be willing to have more confrontations and call people out on their sh*t and say hey I am not putting up with your crap. You will respect me or see yourself out the door and hit the bricks.

Also homie...I totally understand busting your $$ to achieve greatness, but you do not need a piece of paper to acknowledge your work. No...you put in the work. Sure its nice, but the beauty is in the process, not the end result. Have that confidence of knowing yeah I am kind of a big deal...I kick $$!

Furthermore, ok you are bringing up your age (age is a number my friend and we are not far apart...we are in the same wheelhouse)...well then, how about from today forward you start focusing on creating Act II. The person you were up to now was Act I. Time to be a phoenix and rise from the ashes and have a rebirth. Seriously. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Hang in there my friend. Keep your head up and focus on you and you alone. Be kind to yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[legalboxers]

The pandemic exposed quite a bit about people as a whole. The divided politics, etc. People suck. I look at it like this...you can't fix stupid so if someone doesn't want to grow and be a part of the solution I will not waste my time or effort on you. You tell those people to kick rocks! Why? In fairy tale land everyone can get along in perfect harmony and we have enough time to help everyone. In the real world time is finite and precious...you reserve it for people who matter. You only get one life so you can't take the risk of pissing it away on crappy people who do not deserve your time and attention.

So I understand you quite well LB. You are definitely a nice guy and have many amazing traits as a person. However, it gears towards you giving too much of yourself away. Find that balance. You gotta be a bit more selfish and put yourself first. Despite how society tries to water everything down and tries to neuter people...confrontation is a good thing and it is necessary. It all depends on how you go about it. For you...you need to be willing to have more confrontations and call people out on their sh*t and say hey I am not putting up with your crap. You will respect me or see yourself out the door and hit the bricks.

Also homie...I totally understand busting your $$ to achieve greatness, but you do not need a piece of paper to acknowledge your work. No...you put in the work. Sure its nice, but the beauty is in the process, not the end result. Have that confidence of knowing yeah I am kind of a big deal...I kick $$!

Furthermore, ok you are bringing up your age (age is a number my friend and we are not far apart...we are in the same wheelhouse)...well then, how about from today forward you start focusing on creating Act II. The person you were up to now was Act I. Time to be a phoenix and rise from the ashes and have a rebirth. Seriously. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Hang in there my friend. Keep your head up and focus on you and you alone. Be kind to yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

. True but I do need a nice shiny piece of paper to validate me so I can use that to get into law school (letters of rec - even for grad school) you like others make alot of sense to me. Its for me to actually apply what your telling me (Im a Sag - Im hard headed)..

[cash05458]

This: "In fairy tale land everyone can get along in perfect harmony and we have enough time to help everyone. In the real world time is finite and precious..."


and also...their intentions are not the same as ours...there is no transparency such as that...goodness to others does not mathematically equate to returned goodness...this happens with pets...not people...co dependents like us need to learn this lesson...

[legalboxers]

This: "In fairy tale land everyone can get along in perfect harmony and we have enough time to help everyone. In the real world time is finite and precious..."


and also...their intentions are not the same as ours...there is no transparency such as that...goodness to others does not mathematically equate to returned goodness...this happens with pets...not people...co dependents like us need to learn this lesson...

Its a bitter pill to swallow..but we need to learn this lesson

[cash05458]

yes we do Legal...it is a hard one...but a destruction of the fantasies we have via love...and can only be good in the end...

[legalboxers]

yes we do Legal...it is a hard one...but a destruction of the fantasies we have via love...and can only be good in the end...

I dont have much of fantasies or expectations. I just want someone who will be there for me as I am with them, but with the caveat I take care of an aged parent..

[cash05458]

"I just want someone who will be there for me as I am with them..."


that IS the fantasy with a BDP...get over...it will not happen...it will be endless emotional slavery...

[grumpydonut]

Legal, you just confirmed exactly what I thought about you, haha.

It's not a criticism of your character. But you are wasting your time on here atm. I perceive you to be reading everything, but not allowing it to sink in or be willing to change your hard headedness towards how you're handling the situation - which is basically what you said.

You have the information. You don't need anymore. You seem to be at the crossroads.

Path A - continue to give yourself as a willing sacrifice to this woman in hope that one day she will declare her love for you and validate your self worth. This is extremely unlikely, and personally I'd bet it's 100% not going to happen

Path B - listen to what you already know to be true but don't want to accept, cut her off, and begin to emotionally detach and heal.

We can speak about Borderline Personality Disorder and analyse every single thing these people do and say in hope of finding an answer that fulfills us (seldom does), but truth be told, many of us suffered way longer than necessary because of the choices that WE made. At some point, it's no longer about the scorpion, but about the frog.

[cash05458]

good post Grumpy!

[legalboxers]

"I just want someone who will be there for me as I am with them..."


that IS the fantasy with a BDP...get over...it will not happen...it will be endless emotional slavery...

sadly your right

[legalboxers]

Legal, you just confirmed exactly what I thought about you, haha.

It's not a criticism of your character. But you are wasting your time on here atm. I perceive you to be reading everything, but not allowing it to sink in or be willing to change your hard headedness towards how you're handling the situation - which is basically what you said.

You have the information. You don't need anymore. You seem to be at the crossroads.

Path A - continue to give yourself as a willing sacrifice to this woman in hope that one day she will declare her love for you and validate your self worth. This is extremely unlikely, and personally I'd bet it's 100% not going to happen

Path B - listen to what you already know to be true but don't want to accept, cut her off, and begin to emotionally detach and heal.

We can speak about Borderline Personality Disorder and analyse every single thing these people do and say in hope of finding an answer that fulfills us (seldom does), but truth be told, many of us suffered way longer than necessary because of the choices that WE made. At some point, it's no longer about the scorpion, but about the frog.

Im trying to choose the path of least resistance, and take what I learned. And moved on. But I dont want to walk away from my BPD FAMILY. You folks got me back on my feet and gave me some clarity on everything, even on my bad days which I deal with an go through.

[grumpydonut]

Don't have to walk away from the forums, my friend. Just don't want you to make the mistakes that many of us here have made with our BPD exes.

There is a lot of wisdom here, and a lot of it came from plenty of pain and suffering!

[legalboxers]

Don't have to walk away from the forums, my friend. Just don't want you to make the mistakes that many of us here have made with our BPD exes.

There is a lot of wisdom here, and a lot of it came from plenty of pain and suffering!

and we all lean on each other in times of sorrow and pain, and also good things

[cash05458]

legal..yes, you have to give up...this is the whole thing about BDP...

you need to stress yourself...all these ideas via this one...and listen if you want to recover...

but that is up to you...lots of us have been there...they fake their intentions all the time..every moment...you need to decide whether you want to as well via own life...otherwise, go on...

either that or you want to keep kidding self about her...that is your choice...but this is entirely up to you bud...

[legalboxers]

legal..yes, you have to give up...this is the whole thing about BDP...

you need to stress yourself...all these ideas via this one...and listen if you want to recover...

but that is up to you...lots of us have been there...they fake their intentions all the time..every moment...you need to decide whether you want to as well via own life...otherwise, go on...

either that or you want to keep kidding self about her...that is your choice...but this is entirely up to you bud...

erasing her out of my mind...slowly

[cash05458]

slowly is dangerous...do fast...grow up actually via this...this is your call...done here...

[cash05458]

what I mean Legal is be done...this is entirely up to you...floating and hoping is dangerous for some...like anything some of this stuff just comes down to decisions we don't want to make...but need to...perhaps that is you? perhaps not...it's really up to you and what you want in the end...

[legalboxers]

Legal...I will say this and it is not meant as criticism...but you need to be a bit tougher on self in terms of discipline...think back to how tough she was on you over time...sometimes it is ok to shut feelings down for yourself...caring TOO much is a dangerous thing for us...focus on law school and the future...these BPD folks count on your problems to get away with what they do...remember your basics before you met her...basics are important...all the best...

As I posted in here. She blames me because I wasnt there when she cremated her mother. I was at home washing dishes (my usual chores) and fighting with my 1st ex from 2002-2010, Then I had my friend who was an EMT who was dealing with her own battles and looking for someone to talk to (she was texting me and calling me 15x - her "male" friends called her a side piece, then my friend who was dying from Stage 4 breast cancer.. Shes like "I had limited time with you". I was with her for 2 days. Those text msgs took more than 5 mins. maybe less. and she was like "They took time away from her". I dont see how a text message, impacted a 24-48 hour time frame when I did almost everything.

I know as you said you cant rationalize this, and I dont think I can anymore. all is left for me is to move on.

[SinisterComplex]

LB...you suffered nothing but emotional blackmail, manipulation, and abuse. No more. Never Again. Remember how you feel and how you felt. Being nice is a big part of who you are, but quit being too damn nice. It is ok to check someone and say hey enough is enough. You have to adopt the mindset of don't like what I have to say...tough sh*t. Now an important thing here...you will be thinking man that makes you sound like an A-Hole. No...if you are consistent and you assert yourself people will respect you and understand you need to be valued and respected and that your kindness is not a weakness and something that should not be taken for granted. Lead and others will follow. If you want a good partner who appreciates you, respects you and reciprocates you need to learn the lesson of truly loving and respecting yourself.

I have worked with many people on this. This is where I will reiterate...come from a place of power and think abundance and not from a place of weakness and think scarcity. Quit treating this person like they were and are something special. You kidding me? What the hell is so special?

Honestly, you are really someone I want to see grow and really kick $$. Mostly because this world needs more good people like you. But, you are still preventing yourself from reaching your potential because you are allowing others to dictate your life. Do You. Remember that. Sometimes the good guys just need an $$hole friend (only an a-hole in the sense I won't put up with weakness and someone's BS) like me to push them...I hope you are taking this in. I do give a sh*t. Good friends don't let each other slip. You get after one another and keep pulling each other up and pushing each other further and when you don't want to or feel you can then you light a fire under their $$ and give them a swift kick to get going. Its go time homie. Enough dealing with the weakness. Time to move on and become a better version of YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[cash05458]

great post Sinister...I think we have learned that to stand up for ourselves means we are a-holes...this comes from our own pasts...nothing could be further from the truth...it's simply a language WE learned in the past...our own pasts and ways to cope...like all self moral things, it's a touchy area...lots of folks who always put self first are aholes...but we are not that if it is done with best intentions...perhaps the better way to put it is we need to take care of ourselves firstly...and then have things to really give...

I said it over on my update...but our biggest problem is empathy...too much empathy is self destructive...we confuse that with loving ourselves first and the rest follows...loving oneself and protecting isn't narcissism in the classic diagnostic bad sense...it's being whole...

[legalboxers]

Yes, but that is besides the point. This isn't about her. It's about you.

Trust me, I know what it's like to read something, believe it, but then make zero changes to my own mindset and not really know why.

I tell you what helps. Go find a dark room and sit with yourself. Ask yourself why you're sticking around. I can almost guarantee that the answer is that you want her to substantiate that you are actually worthy of being loved. That you are good.

It. Will. Never. Happen! There is no fairytale ending with a borderline where you sail off together happily ever after. Hanging onto that hope is what extends the abuse.

Time to start looking after you, Legal.

Hes getting there... slowly...

[legalboxers]

great post Sinister...I think we have learned that to stand up for ourselves means we are a-holes...this comes from our own pasts...nothing could be further from the truth...it's simply a language WE learned in the past...our own pasts and ways to cope...like all self moral things, it's a touchy area...lots of folks who always put self first are aholes...but we are not that if it is done with best intentions...perhaps the better way to put it is we need to take care of ourselves firstly...and then have things to really give...

I said it over on my update...but our biggest problem is empathy...too much empathy is self destructive...we confuse that with loving ourselves first and the rest follows...loving oneself and protecting isn't narcissism in the classic diagnostic bad sense...it's being whole...

we write our own destiny I believe. But at what stage do we say we need a new chapter

[legalboxers]

legalboxers, honey,  it will get better with time. Switch your phone off at night and get some sleep. You are holding down a busy job during the day and studying all evening. You need you right now. Everything will be better in the morning if you sleep.

 

hugs!

[khibomsis]

Dear Legal, on these boards we have seen everything. People have lost their houses,  their health, their sanity, their jobs, their children, their relatives, ended up in courts accused of Heaven knows what, landed themselves with debt which would take years to pay off, given up their friends and families and moved far away only to end up abused with nowhere to go. This is not to say we have not seen positive things as well, there has been plenty of positive, not least the solidarity we show one another. Please understand when people advise you it is not coming out of the blue. I sympathize with your desire to hold out, it is now only a few days to the anniversary. But as soon as you are able, please take some thought for yourself! You have lost enough to BPD. Don't hand over your future as well.

You can post as long as you like. I look forward to seeing you welcome newbies to the board one day My ambition is to reach 5000 posts, like some of the Distinguished Members around here.  There is a satisfaction in seeing people come right that never fades, and makes meaning of the suffering we have gone through.
 

[SinisterComplex]

we write our own destiny I believe. But at what stage do we say we need a new chapter

That is pretty simple actually, but hard for many people to learn. Look at it like a risk taking gambler. You have to understand what the floor is, upside, and ceiling is. When someone or something is all floor and there is no plausible upside then slam the chapter shut and begin anew. There has be to upside...that is the most important part. When there is upside there is an adventure in finding the ceiling. When there is nothing but floor there is zero return on investment. Just food for thought for you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[legalboxers]

Legal...I will say this and it is not meant as criticism...but you need to be a bit tougher on self in terms of discipline...think back to how tough she was on you over time...sometimes it is ok to shut feelings down for yourself...caring TOO much is a dangerous thing for us...focus on law school and the future...these BPD folks count on your problems to get away with what they do...remember your basics before you met her...basics are important...all the best...

you are 10000% correct...

[legalboxers]

That is pretty simple actually, but hard for many people to learn. Look at it like a risk taking gambler. You have to understand what the floor is, upside, and ceiling is. When someone or something is all floor and there is no plausible upside then slam the chapter shut and begin anew. There has be to upside...that is the most important part. When there is upside there is an adventure in finding the ceiling. When there is nothing but floor there is zero return on investment. Just food for thought for you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Im taking a page from Kenny Rodgers.. Know when to hold em.. know when to fold em.. know when to walk away.. know when to run...