First post - Hello

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello!

I find it hard to even start, but I guess where I am right now is as best a place as any.

I've been married for 11 years. I've always had a feeling that things are wrong, at least sometimes. I've found myself isolated from my family and discouraged from even having friendships (Partners should have have "experiences" outside of the marriage is something I hear very often) but it can even be hard to analyze exactly why that is. It's never as overt as "Don't see this person" but I find myself over time trying to avoid outbursts.

I feel like I could write for pages and pages with some of my experiences, but, over the last four months or so, things have really coalesced.

No one has professionally diagnosed my wife with BPD, but the traits seem to be there. After searching and searching for answers, I finally started therapy and tried to explain some of my situation after a particularly mind whirling experience (Long story short, she threw away shirts I received as a birthday present from my mother, but insisted they are hanging in my closet and I genuinely began to question my sanity.)

Another experience had my wife breaking down because I wanted to take a few meetings on my laptop from the local park instead of in the home office. It begins to put me in a panic realizing I simply cannot have any time to be myself, by myself. But I digress...

I've since retained a lawyer to help prepare for a divorce. After therapy I started to open up to friends and rebuild my support network. I've started to journal events, especially when I would get almost dizzy with the inconsistencies. I am at the last stage before separation - I have not yet told my wife I am leaving. I am filled with immense guilt when it comes to this - she has also self isolated herself to a degree and will bring up suicide in some form or another. I cannot stay here and try to help her through this, there isn't really even a safe space for me to really spend time and transition so I plan to leave the residence almost immediately after informing her. (Thankfully, no children) I plan to call her sister and mother, and I hope they can fly in and be there to support her, but there's a risk they'll let her know and I'll be forced to leave her alone if she has a fit.

Another added wrinkle into the equation is her relatively recent development of OCD, so the rage cycles can be triggered by something like a bedsheet touching the floor.

I feel as if I've rambled quite a bit - my apologies for the rough read. Any advice is appreciated, and thanks for taking the time to read.

[bpdphalanx]

Hello!

I find it hard to even start, but I guess where I am right now is as best a place as any.

I've been married for 11 years. I've always had a feeling that things are wrong, at least sometimes. I've found myself isolated from my family and discouraged from even having friendships (Partners should have have "experiences" outside of the marriage is something I hear very often) but it can even be hard to analyze exactly why that is. It's never as overt as "Don't see this person" but I find myself over time trying to avoid outbursts.

I feel like I could write for pages and pages with some of my experiences, but, over the last four months or so, things have really coalesced.

No one has professionally diagnosed my wife with BPD, but the traits seem to be there. After searching and searching for answers, I finally started therapy and tried to explain some of my situation after a particularly mind whirling experience (Long story short, she threw away shirts I received as a birthday present from my mother, but insisted they are hanging in my closet and I genuinely began to question my sanity.)

Another experience had my wife breaking down because I wanted to take a few meetings on my laptop from the local park instead of in the home office. It begins to put me in a panic realizing I simply cannot have any time to be myself, by myself. But I digress...

I've since retained a lawyer to help prepare for a divorce. After therapy I started to open up to friends and rebuild my support network. I've started to journal events, especially when I would get almost dizzy with the inconsistencies. I am at the last stage before separation - I have not yet told my wife I am leaving. I am filled with immense guilt when it comes to this - she has also self isolated herself to a degree and will bring up suicide in some form or another. I cannot stay here and try to help her through this, there isn't really even a safe space for me to really spend time and transition so I plan to leave the residence almost immediately after informing her. (Thankfully, no children) I plan to call her sister and mother, and I hope they can fly in and be there to support her, but there's a risk they'll let her know and I'll be forced to leave her alone if she has a fit.

Another added wrinkle into the equation is her relatively recent development of OCD, so the rage cycles can be triggered by something like a bedsheet touching the floor.

I feel as if I've rambled quite a bit - my apologies for the rough read. Any advice is appreciated, and thanks for taking the time to read.

[khibomsis]

  bpdphalanx and welcome to the family! I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad that you found us.
Yes, your wife sounds like BPDwaif to me. And a classic expert at gaslighting. It is the weirdest thing when one sits and doubts one's sense of reality. I find it extremely abusive. Congratulations on finding the strength to leave before your spirit is crushed! I am glad there are no children.

You do right to be cautious about leaving. In domestic violence work, it is known to be the most dangerous time. So make sure of your operational security, that is, that your phone, laptop, etc are all securely locked and passworded. Pack a grab bag with your most important documents and a change of clothes. You don't mention if your wife's family  is in the same city. In that case it is easy to phone after you have left and mention that she is alone.  If they are not close, call 911 when she starts with the threats of suicide.
Keep posting and sharing, we have got each other's back here.

[bpdphalanx]

Hi Khibomsis,

Thanks for responding!

Her mother and sister are quite far away, about a 2.5 hour plane trip. My plan is to text her sister tomorrow and let her know that I am leaving and request that her or someone from the family come down to help support her. I will also request that they don't tell her until they are in the area. If they do, I will fall back to the plan of leaving immediately (I do have a bag prepared) and calling 911 if there are threats. I want to give her family every opportunity to help.

Even now I continue to second guess myself, especially during the good days (yesterday was good). But when I really even think about it, the good days are not even really that good, just not a train wreck.

Sometimes I find myself wishing there was some omniscient being that could just come down and tell me what's real and what isn't, or if I'm the one that has a disorder. One of the big mental kickers for me is I am sure my wife wouldn't see any of these signs within herself, therefore, it's possible I wouldn't see these in myself either...

Thanks again!

[khibomsis]

bpdphalanx, we've all been there. We say on these boards that if you are able to ask yourself that question, it is unlikely you have BPD. BPD traits, however, is something we can acquire through long exposure to a pwBPD. I myself grew up with my uNPBD mom and 'normalized' certain patterns of behaviour that I only as an adult discovered were not normal. I can rage with the best of them, but through chanting and exercise manage to keep a calm temperament and a sharp control over my temper. I find it best to remove myself from situations where I am triggered and practice mindfulness/deep breathing when I cannot.

I mention this because you will have need of mindfulness in what you are doing. Frankly, my objection to the plan of warning the family is that it puts you in danger. In domestic abuse situations we are taught to put the safety of the victim first. If you have no fear for your own life and wellbeing then by all means go ahead.

It is great that you are in therapy! Have you discussed your plan with your therapist?

[bpdphalanx]

I have indeed discussed this with my therapist - she has not raised objections although has noted my plan as evidence of my compassion when I expressed guilt for leaving.

To further elaborate, I do not have any fear for my physical well being. Even in the most extreme of rages, I have never been hit or physically abused in any way. In fact, short term things can usually be just fine as long as I don't express how I feel or try to fulfill a need that isn't aligned with her needs. So in the short term, things are okay.

It is strange to hear the term domestic abuse for my situation, I guess this is something I still need to work on, especially when I think of other people's situations.

Don't get me wrong - I cannot continue this way. I feel hollow, warped, dizzy as I try to recenter myself. Even thinking back on events now makes me question just how it is I could have allowed this to happen. But, if I just leave, I sense she will call her family and yell at them to stay away and they just might, I think they fear her in the same ways I do. If they come and she kicks them out, and they listen, then I feel I can be at peace with whatever events occur as I navigate this divorce.

Thank you for the dialog, it's amazing how much this actually helps after more then a decade of keeping this to myself.

[khibomsis]

bpdphalanx, you are welcome. Yes it is hard, that is how we end up here. I have supportive friends and family galore, but have told none of them the BPD secret. Most would probably not understand anyway, one has to live it to know it. Therefore these boards.

I am loathe to argue with you. However, you have started doubting your own sense of reality, and started feeling "hollow, warped and dizzy". That sounds abusive to me. The waif may be more low key, but equally controlling nonetheless.

Yes, they get us in our compassion. Have compassion for you, for now. Take good care of yourself.
Good luck with your plan! Keep us posted how it goes?
 
 

[bpdphalanx]

Thank you, I will keep you posted.

[Lucky Jim]

I find myself over time trying to avoid outbursts.

Hey bpdphalanx,  Right, you're walking on eggshells, or as I used to say, walking through a mine field!  The isolation you describe is quite familiar, yet is problematic because, without friends and family members, you can lose all perspective on normal life.  I suggest you do what you have to do to reconnect with people.  In a BPD r/s, sometimes you have to say to yourself, "full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes."  It's time to put yourself first for a change.  You're the Captain of your ship, my friend, not her.

LuckyJim

[bpdphalanx]

Thanks LuckyJim and khibomsis,

An update as to what happened today, I could use some guidance...

So, I texted her sister and told her I am leaving. I thought about this over and over, went over every bad way this could go. In short, however, her sister was just amazing. Compassionate, and she understood everything. She knew how her sister could be. Then, things got more complicated.

Her sister called and mentioned how tough things must have been on me, having to travel the way I did for work and finally getting back, and how tough my job has been.

The thing is, I never traveled. I haven't left. It turns out, my wife told her sister we were out of town for these months and that's why she couldn't meet. My wife's sister was living fairly close to us for a few months but was under the impression that we were living across the country.

This has shaken me, and her. This level of lying... I mean, could this even by psychosis? My wife certainly doesn't think we've moved, but the level of detail she gave to her sister was unreal, just to get out of seeing her for a cup of coffee or dinner...

I also made the mistake of starting to chat with her mother - she was understanding but I got a lot more suicide scare from her, and I felt most of the conversation was trying to pin this one back on me (She was okay before, what did you do? You can't just leave, have a conversation with her first, and work it in. I can't come down, etc etc).

I'm so hurt. She's so sweet right now, what other lies am I being told?

My brother will be in town on Thursday. My original plan was to get her mother and/or sister to come but I'm beginning to doubt that. I'll be talking with them tomorrow morning to see if they are getting tickets or not...

Sorry for the disjointed post, lots for me to digest. Thanks for your help as always.

[khibomsis]

Dear bpdphalanx, I am so sorry to hear that your sense of trust as been shaken. BPD rarely comes from nowhere. It is partly genetic in origin, but sufficiently many pwBPD come from abusive childhoods for it to be wise to be wary of the FOO.
Thank heavens the sister is positive! The mother  indeed sounds like she is not fully stable herself. Worrying about the past at this point slows you down, go through with your plan and when you are safe there will be plenty of time to think about it. You have called the family as you said you were going to do. Now please have some compassion for yourself and avoid  getting drawn into FOO issues.  
You are so welcome. Just trying to pass it forward. I was broken when I came  and these boards saved my sanity. One day when you are feeling better you shall welcome a newbie yourself 

[bpdphalanx]

Hi khibomsis,

I've been keeping a list of things I want to do for me as I get out of this situation - right near the top is "help others" and this looks like a great place to start. I hope at some point I can get enough clarity to do just that.

As for a quick update - today started out a bit bad. I decided to limit my contact to only her sister. I was told that no one would be able to come, and I began to process how I would leave my wife alone and it hurt me quite a bit, lots of crying. I knew it was a possibility, so I had to begin to galvanize my plans on what to do if there are suicide threats, leave her with phone numbers to call... everything.

Later in the day, though, her sister texted me that she can come on Sat morning. So I will pick her up early on Saturday from the airport, bring her home, inform my wife and hope that she accepts support and help from her family even though she's tried to push them all away. I am at peace with whatever happens afterwards, I can only build so much of her network that she has torn down.

Next few days should be a bit calmer for me now, I can concentrate on work and prepare for the next steps. Thanks again for listening, I will keep you updated.

[bpdphalanx]

Another update:

My brother made it into town and got to the hotel I've reserved for the next month while I see how things progress. Her sister will be arriving early morning, I'll pick her up and then take her to the house, break the news, and exit. I'm scared but I'm hopeful because I do have my brother and her sister has been helpful.

Today's abuse just seemed so erratic and random. I'm great, then she should have been a bigger bitch to me. She's crippled (she isn't), she wishes she was never born. If something happens to her, I better not let me family move in or get "some bitch" that will suck me dry... If I die she won't let somebody "gold dig" her. The dissonance is just off the charts, and so much talk about death and suicide. There were times I just wanted to leave, she keeps telling me how great she has been to me. Why do I feel so abused then? She does so much for me, why am I the only one doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, job?

In a way, a strange way, the abuse cycle right now is helping me. Only one more night to go, I just hope she accepts help, but today's tirade of all psychology being a pseudoscience make me scared that it just won't happen.

I will update you all tomorrow. Thanks for your support as always.

[khibomsis]

Keeping our fingers crossed for you, bpdphalanx! So far, so good. 

[crushedagain]

If she only knew that it was the last night she ever had with you...

[bpdphalanx]

Hello everyone.

This will be my last update to this thread - I'm out.

Of course things didn't go as planned exactly, but, it went.

I got to the house with my brother and her sister. I tried to get her out of bed, and told her things have been wrong, I'm in pain, I'm leaving. I said she needed help, and I hope she accepts it.

I asked her sister to come in because she was not really getting up or anything (she sleeps until 2 usually, and I wasn't going to wait until she got up)

When he sister came in, she just switched modes. Very calm, but insisting she needed to go back to bed. I said I was leaving, and she started to tell me all the things she did for me and how she'll never do that for another man, and I honestly started to blank. She then said I made such a huge mess of things by bringing in family and I should have been able to just tell her and have a discussion. Then, she accused her sister of not telling her that she was coming and how she'll never forget that, and her sister took my side. Her sister starts to get upset and yelling that she's here for her not for me, and she keeps repeating no. Finally she starts addressing me again, and accusing me of using her up. I don't remember that much to be honest, but her sister pulled me out of the room and later said she didn't want me to be abused like that. Then she gets up and uses the bathroom, just ignoring things. She finally comes out to the living room, and accuses her sister of getting in the middle of her marriage. She says she needs to go back to bed and rest, since I drugged her yesterday (I took a malatonin sleep aid and gave her one as well).

Her sister breaks down and, I try to go into the bedroom again to convince her to accept help but she starts treating us like we're just crazy (she keeps saying this is bizzare, what are we doing, what's wrong with us, why are we yelling) and anytime we bring up a lie she just say sorry I have to go back to bed.

We left her in the house. I wouldn't have been able to do it without the two of them, they dragged me out. The car ride back, we were all confused, at least her sister and I. We started to question our reality - did her sister really take my side? I'm wondering if I should have tried to have a rational conversation. My brother, being more detached, pretty much said no, are you kidding? But how crazy is it that someone can get everyone around them to question reality?

Anyways, I was and still am concerned about self harm, but her sister pretty much said nope, not how she operates. Since then, she called her sister asking to see her and if she was okay (now on her terms), sister has not responded. She reached out to my twice calling asking about credit card accounts that I rotated the passwords for (I was privacy obviously). She texted me saying she's ready for counciling and would like me to make an appointment on Monday (No, she can do that herself now and I'm not doing couples counciling). She also reached out and said she wants to make sure I'm okay and how long I'll be gone. I can't deal with responding just yet, so I'm going to wait for my therapy session on Tuesday and figure out what to do. No contact won't work with divorce, but, for now, maybe she'll know what it's like to cut someone out and be alone, as much as it hurts me to actually type that out.

So, now, the next chapter begins. I'm scared, worried for her. Her family has been abused be her too. The thing about this experience though, and I feel guilty, but I've gotten support from her own family. I know she needs them, and I want her to feel like she has them. But chatting with even just her sister and my brother, comparing notes, was... cleansing.

Thanks khibosis. Your words of encouragement will stick with me for a long time.

Thanks LuckyJim. Hearing your rallying cry was the thing I needed to hear just at the right time.

Thanks crushedagain. While your words struck me with a mixture of sadness and energy, they too helped put a perspective on things when I needed it.

Lots more to do.

[crushedagain]

I don't envy you. That must have been tough. I felt on edge just reading it. I have a difficult time in such stressful environs. I'm the type who is always trying to make peace.

Her reaction reminded me of my ex one time. I expected her to fall to pieces, which was her typical behavior, but instead she was stoic and mean and cold. It was chilling - a side of her I had not seen. Her face honestly looked like a different person. I think these types can pull it together whenever they want.

Best of luck to you and I hope to hear how things go.

[khibomsis]

Congratulations, bpdphalanx, you are out safely. You did as well as you could, thinking not just of you but of her. It was kindly done.