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Author Topic: New here and need a little validation that it isn't me? or is it?  (Read 103 times)
BPDorMe?
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
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« on: February 27, 2021, 10:41:25 PM »

Hi All,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible as this is my first post. I'm feeling a little lost, a little confused and honestly wondering whether this is my partner and she has BPD or is it me?

We've been together for coming up to 8 months now and things moved really quickly, whirlwind romance, fell deep in love with each other and have just moved in together about a month ago. I remember back in the beginning that some of her behavior or traits were a little different to what i'm used to and set alarm bells off but i ignored them because of how much i love her. As an example she'll cry out of nowhere in public, really volatile mood swings, pretty immature for 31 years old (i'm 38). Recently my memory is so shot (which it never used to be) that i question myself and my memory of events all the time.

Fast forward to now and the relationship has been a rollercoaster, constant arguing and chaos. So much so that we're pretty close to breaking up. A few weeks ago i suggested that we see a therapist together to help us fix the issues we have which at the time i thought were communication issues. Its worth noting as well that i see my own therapist regularly for some trust issues i've had but also as i believe its healthy to talk to someone every now and then.

We've had a few sessions with the new therapist together and i thought it was really helping. The other day though my girlfriend got really angry over the smallest of things and she threw a plate against the TV and threatened to leave. She ended up calming down and staying, the next day we had a therapy session booked but things had been so bad recently and we were both mentally exhausted i told her to stay home and i'll go explain to the therapist why we're not coming together. I go in and explain to the therapist everything that has happened lately and she started talking to me about BPD, explaining that she doesn't want to label anything yet since she hasn't diagnosed my girlfriend, my girlfriend hasn't taken tests but everything that i was explaining pointed to her having BPD, pretty much all the red flags were there.

She told me that i don't deserve to be treated like this, not to go to my girlfriend to validate whether i was right or wrong after a disagreement, that it sounds like i'm being gaslighted, maybe controlled and manipulated but she doesn't know for sure. She explained that, even after seeing my girlfriend's behavior in the previous sessions that she'd like to see her one on one at least two times a week and we discussed how we could get that to happen. After the session she texted me saying that i should order and read the book "Stop walking on eggshells" which i received yesterday and have been reading which brought me here. What i've read so far for the most part matches up to how my girlfriend has been behaving and feels as far as what she's told me.

I'm at the point where i feel like whatever goes wrong in our relationship (mostly disagreements) is all my fault and that what i remember that was said in an argument is incorrect according to my girlfriend.

Tonight as an example, we were lying in bed about to have "fun" and i said to her "i missed your body" since it's a been while since we had sex, she said to me "why can't you live in the present", i told her that i do live in the present and that its the same as saying i missed you when you get home from work (i could see things start to escalate). We were silent for a little while and then i asked her what upset her, she explained that she doesn't feel i live in the present to which i told her i do and she then replied "you don't know yourself, you're seeing two therapists". At that point i got upset because i feel like that's a really horrible thing to say to someone and it literally came from nowhere. We obviously didn't end up having "fun" and now we're having alone time according to her so we're not speaking. I tried to talk to her about it a while ago and explain it's not ok to just come out and say that to someone and that i'd never say that to anyone but she's adamant she's done nothing wrong and told me she wont apologize, she also refuses that she said that and is saying she said "Maybe you don't know yourself, you're seeing two therapists" which she didn't.

Sorry for the long post but her saying she didn't say that has got me wondering if i remembered it correctly or not, as soon as we stopped the disagreement i went and wrote everything down because this isn't the first time she's said this kind of thing to me and it gets me confused about my memory and sometimes questioning my own sanity so the therapist suggested i do that.

I'd like to know, from what i've described above does it sound like a BPD scenario?

Was i right to get upset about her comment of me not knowing who i am?

The fact that a therapist has come out and told me she thinks my girlfriend has BPD and even recommended a book for me to read on it suggests that this isn't me being the problem right?

It's got to the point where i'm questioning whether this is all me or not, my girlfriend has a way of convincing me that i'm the one in the wrong and that it's perfectly ok for her to act the way she does, to the point where i'm mentally exhausted.

Anyway, again sorry for the long post but i needed to get this down on paper, i guess i'm seeking some kind of validation or reassurance.

To add on to everything else i asked the therapist if i come across as manipulating or controlling and that could i have narcissistic tendencies, she told me from what she can see i'm not like that at all. The reason i asked her is because my girlfriend calls me controlling and manipulative all the time.

The therapist had us both take sensitivity tests and empathy tests. I scored normal on the sensitivity test and high on the empathy test. My girlfriend scored really high on the sensitivity test (therapist said she is hyper sensitive) and low on the empathy test (to which my girlfriend cried when she got the result).

Any feedback would be more than welcome and sorry for the long post.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2021, 11:40:45 AM »

You care about a very emotionally difficult person. You haven’t been together long, but this will be the nature of your relationship. Trust the mental health professionals. And trust your own feelings. Don’t let your girlfriend talk you out of what you feel and perceive.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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