my wife left me after 2 months marriage

[xiaosi]

Hi, I've been lurking here for a while and finally decided to post, or rather, I would say I am forced to, because my mental health is really hanging on a thread.
I won't describe the whole situation here, It is so f* up and there are so many events, that when I tried to write it all down I stopped halfway after completely filling 4 pages.
Long story short, after 2 months into marriage my wife kicked me out of the house yelling to get the PLEASE READ out, took all our shared things and money, sent all the wedding presents and all the gifts she received from me in the course of our relationship and filed for divorce 3 days after kicking me out (in slippers at 11pm, more than 100 miles to a nearest friend or relative) .  Before that she was constantly angry picking up fights, threatening sucide or that she kills me - you know, the usual stuff. Her pathological family supported her decision and rallied her again me even more. That happened in October 2020. In the meantime she realized she was pregnant  but that did not change anything, only addional accusations followed (rape, animal abuse, alcoholism). I tried taking her to couples therapy (she left after 30min, throwing tantrum after her lies were exposed), to the priest who married us, and talking to her in person in a park. On each occasion I had to travel around 200 miles to meet with her (I lost my job because of her and had to move to my parents' place, can't find steady job because of Covid). Every meeting lasted no longer than half an hour and she left indignant every time just leaving me there. I only found out she has BPD after talking to her therapist (late October), I only knew she has depression. During the last meeting (December) she gave me a letter with all the bad things I did to her ( calling her fat, or rather saying 'you were fat when you were younger' 2 years ago was the worst of them ). I responded with a compassionate letter saying that if only she takes responsibility for her behavior and admits she was wrong I'll do everything to save the marriage and take care of the kid - she didn't respond. She consistently declined all propositions of a compromise and had all-or-nothing attitude. When I sent her a Christmas card and gift (pregnancy sleeping pillow) she returned it with a piece of paper reading "don't send me presents" .

Of course all of this is my fault because:
- I cheated on her with my job' - I couldn't find employment in her hometown so I had to work in the town where I went to uni and had some contacts - I promised her that the situation is temporary and I would work there no longer than a few months. She was constantly bitching about that(even though I came back every weekend)
-I didn't take care of her
- She didn't feel special
- I abused our dogs
- I am an alcoholic
- I raped her (she called my relatives saying that)
- I forced her to act like this
- I abandoned her
- I don't care about the kid

She told that we can be together again only if I "fall on my knees and beg her to forgive me for abandoning her", if not "she already has lots of other options"

I have my divorce case in a few days and I am really depressed and scared. I thought that I will be able to have a happy marriage and family and all of that is destroyed. I can't find a job and she gives me PLEASE READ for that. I feel sorry for my unborn child who will have to be raised by monsters and will probably also end with some sort of character pathology (I will be probably not able to see the kid, she also chose the name for him without consulting me). Since it was a catholic marriage (which apparently means nothing to her) the only way is to invalidate it on the basis of her personality disorder, it will take 2+ years and I can't start a new relationship in that time.

I don't know what to do with my life and need some support. What I described here is only a tip of the iceberg. My self esteem is almost  destroyed and I feel I am sinking into depression. Please tell me how to survive this. Sorry for the chaotic post, I am really tired.

[Mutt]

Hi xiaosi,



I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I’m glad that you decided to join us. You’re not alone. Please write your twenty pages and hopefully a lot more. It helps to write your situation down because its going to help you with planning for a way forward.

I’m catholic as well and I completely understand where you’re coming from. You didn’t get married to get divorced. What do you do for self care? Make sure that you eat plenty, get plenty of sleep, exercise, do some yoga, take some time for meditation, stay away from drugs and alcohol.

Do you have a T? ( therapist ) I don’t know about your area but there’s Catholic Social Services that can help with find a therapist. Do you have an L? ( lawyer ) Is consider thinking about shared custody, I completely understand how scary it is to have the kids brought up by the other parent but if there’s a parent that is emotionally stable in the picture half of the time it helps the kids in the long term.

[xiaosi]

I can't thank you enough for your reply. Good to know that there are people out there!

As you advised, I try to take good care of myself (I walk at least 10000 steps every day,  in the backyard of my parent's house there's a sauna I built with my father some years ago - I use it almost every day, I sometimes do ice swimming afterwards). My family and friends are supportive and compasionate towards me ( it was very hard telling them what happened, I felt ashamed and feared they would blame me for the situation, I tried to keep it a secret for a long time hoping that my wife would come to her senses, however at some point I felt obliged to explain why we no longer live together). I try to maintain contact with my friends online on daily basis, because most of them live far away from me now. I did some temporary jobs  (for like a month total, the job market here is a disaster) but that only made me more depressed. After being out of my family home for 4 years already (university), it is very hard for me to return and rely on my parents financially .  Especially, that I tried my best to be self-sufficient.  Morover, my mothers mental health also got worse recently (she has chronic depression), she is on a sick leave now, I hope she will be able to return to work. I really try my best to get a job, but so far it has brought me nowhere. My degree is Chinese studies, and now I am doing an online course in Chinese law and an online scholarship in Teaching Chinese to Foreigners to raise my qualifications (my nickname here is actually my Chinese name). Unfortunately, I wont be able to go to China in forseeable future because of Covid :/

I saw a therapist for a month or so (my wife made me go, maybe not 'made me' because I did not oppose -  I was brainwashed into thinking her acting out is all my fault, that I am a bad man). I stayed for a few sessions after she kicked me out, but as the therapy now lost its purpose I resigned. However, these few sessions helped me realize that I should not blame myself. In fact I heard that from 3 mental health professionals (my therapist, my wife's therapist, and during the couples therapy). However, I still ruminate on that everyday - sometimes I feel rage at having been treated in such a way, sometimes I worry about the future, and sometimes I even feel some compassion for her. I still haven't got out of the FOG completely.

As to the lawyer, I probably won't need it right now, I come from Poland and we have a civil law system here. She went to a lawyer to file for divorce and the lawyer was smart enough to talk her out of trying to prove my guilt.  We have a legal concept of "amicable divorce" here. It is possible that it will take only 2 court hearings.  However, if she tries some tricks, I am also going to  hire a lawyer. That's preety straightforward.

More of a concern for me is the invalidation of the marriage in the church. It is going to take more than 2 years probably. Fortunately, a local priest from my church in my hometown works in this church court  and was able to provide me with some guidance. He also said it is not my fault and that I should do it ASAP, right after the state divorce is completed, because this marriage is unsalvagable and I should start a new life. I hesitated for some time, but now decided to go with that plan, because it is possible that I will want to remarry in the future.



 

[xiaosi]

The worst part for me is getting my head around what happened. It seems like a bad dream I cant wake up from. I mean what kind of person does that? Divorce after 2 months, I thought that only happens in Holywood. What is more, she was the person pushing for marriage early on in our relationship. It seems as I never meant anything for her as a person, only as a mean to fulfill some childish phantasy. Even the faith didn't stop her from getting her way. She just made up some story on how I made her marry me and raped her after the wedding and sells it to everyone. Also, how much of an emotional resoner must one be to believe that.

[Mutt]

As you advised, I try to take good care of myself (I walk at least 10000 steps every day,  in the backyard of my parent's house there's a sauna I built with my father some years ago - I use it almost every day,

I thought your username looked familiar I watch a YT channel called xiaomanyc. That is good to hear that’s a lot of steps! I watch the JRE podcast and he mentions the benefits of saunas and he got one for himself. I envy both of you! I have a rotator cuff injury and saunas help with blood circulation.

I sometimes do ice swimming afterwards). My family and friends are supportive and compasionate towards me ( it was very hard telling them what happened, I felt ashamed and feared they would blame me for the situation,

If a family member mentioned a similar story to you what would you think about them?

However, I still ruminate on that everyday - sometimes I feel rage at having been treated in such a way, sometimes I worry about the future, and sometimes I even feel some compassion for her. I still haven't got out of the FOG completely.

Anger can help you with detaching from unhealthy r/s’s.

You move had a few T’s, you have supportive family members and you have a village of people here that are going prop you up during a rough patch in your life. It’s understandable that you’re worried about the future but you’re working on rebuilding our foundation today into something that is going to be stronger than what you prior to meeting your stxbupwBPD.

I would suggest to follow your priests advice.

The worst part for me is getting my head around what happened. It seems like a bad dream I cant wake up from. I mean what kind of person does that? Divorce after 2 months, I thought that only happens in Holywood.

It helps to keep talking about the details specifically the things that were perplexing and keep talking about it until you don’t feel the need to anymore.

BPD is a disorder we’re a person cannot self regulate their emotions like you or I. Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD. Feelings equals facts whereas it’s the other way around for the non.

A pwBPD live in the moment without realizing what the consequences are for their actions. They’re  flooded with feelings and that inadvertently affects the part of their brain that uses reasoning.

They’re in their primitive thinking mode when they’re emotionally dysregulated. Someone had described it like someone drinking a Ferrari without knowing how to operate the brakes.

[xiaosi]

If a family member mentioned a similar story to you what would you think about them?

I probably would believe the story, although I would also suspect that the other side has also some responsibility for the situation (like maybe they provoked him/her to hit the other person, said something hurtful, snapped from too much pressure etc.), not that it came from nowhere. My wife demanded me to quit my job and cut ties with my family to prove that she is the most important for me. She had paranoia that my father is seting me against her (even though he always supported her, and told me to endure her outbursts because they are connected to her mental health problems). At the time she kicked me out he was also present (he was staying with her family for a week and helped us with the construction of our new home). She told him to GTFO and all of her disordered family supported her and made him a villain (even though their relations were normal just a day ago). He slept on the train station 200 miles from home. Afterwards, when we talked about it, he told me that he would hesitate to belive me, were he not present when all of that happened. Later he was called a scum and a piece of PLEASE READ, who destroyed our marriage by my wife.