Coping with long term bereavement and BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Something that my exwBPD really struggles with and admits that he struggles with, is the loss of his Mum. He was very close to his Mum, always lived with her and never had contact with his Dad since a young child. His Mum passed near 9 years ago after very sadly losing her battle with cancer.

He is completely consumed with bereavement. He just can’t seem to move forward and doesn’t understand that his Mum would never want this for him and would want him to be happy. It’s almost like he relives losing her over and over in his mind every day, which is incredibly sad, but also incredibly unhealthy. 

Both his sister and I have tried to help him with this.  He has an Arts therapist who is very experienced in BPD and has also been trying to help him with this, but nothing seems to work. In fact, I don’t think his therapist is the right therapist for him at all, but only he can make that decision.

Is there any advise anyone can give on how someone with BPD struggles with bereavement and loss and of there is any other ways to help him to cope with this loss? It’s been nearly 9 years and he’s no further forward, has convinced himself that he can never love anyone as much as his Mum as he can’t see that there are different versions of love, and he told me and his sister this often, that he doesn’t really care if we are around as he’s already lost the people to him that he loves the most, so losing us is nothing compared to that, which is very hurtful to us, as you can probably understand.

What can I do to help him with this? 

[Cjais]

Something that my exwBPD really struggles with and admits that he struggles with, is the loss of his Mum. He was very close to his Mum, always lived with her and never had contact with his Dad since a young child. His Mum passed near 9 years ago after very sadly losing her battle with cancer.

He is completely consumed with bereavement. He just can’t seem to move forward and doesn’t understand that his Mum would never want this for him and would want him to be happy. It’s almost like he relives losing her over and over in his mind every day, which is incredibly sad, but also incredibly unhealthy. 

Both his sister and I have tried to help him with this.  He has an Arts therapist who is very experienced in BPD and has also been trying to help him with this, but nothing seems to work. In fact, I don’t think his therapist is the right therapist for him at all, but only he can make that decision.

Is there any advise anyone can give on how someone with BPD struggles with bereavement and loss and of there is any other ways to help him to cope with this loss? It’s been nearly 9 years and he’s no further forward, has convinced himself that he can never love anyone as much as his Mum as he can’t see that there are different versions of love, and he told me and his sister this often, that he doesn’t really care if we are around as he’s already lost the people to him that he loves the most, so losing us is nothing compared to that, which is very hurtful to us, as you can probably understand.

What can I do to help him with this? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I see that you’ve posted regarding how to help your partner with alcohol abuse in addition to grief.

Is he asking for your help?

[Cjais]

It tends to be up and down, as it often is with someone with BPD. He has asked me for my help, but then he’ll say that there’s no hope and no point and he will tell me that he doesn’t want my help. Then he will ask for help again.

He did say recently that perhaps he needs bereavement counselling, but then he kind of shut me down again. So, I’m trying to get as much information as I can, so that if/when he cycles back to wanting the help, I can encourage him to get into the right treatment or say things in the right way that will help him