Dreading the vaccine

[Depression = 72% of members]

That subject line is a little misleading, as I'm actually looking forward to getting vaccinated as soon as possible, and getting back to a few things in life that have been on hold. But if the pandemic has meant a convenient reason why I can't see my parents, getting vaccinated means addressing whether I want to see my parents.

I was no-contact with uBPD mom from Easter of 2018 until early last year (pre-pandemic), when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. At this point he's been through treatment, and prognosis is very good; but I've been calling more regularly to check in with my dad, encouraging both of them to wear masks and take social distancing seriously (basically trying to "inoculate" them against conspiracies and fake news and scams), and making it clear that I love both of them and am concerned for their health. There have been a couple brief calls with my mom, but I have done a good job of not getting hooked by her hyper-emotional traps, changing the topic, and ending the call. 

So despite what my mom might say or think, I don't wish for them to die. Yet as things start to open up, I anticipate more pressure to visit them...and I'm actually pretty good with the status quo. It just means defending my boundaries will once again be active and hard work. Can anyone relate?

[sklamath]

That subject line is a little misleading, as I'm actually looking forward to getting vaccinated as soon as possible, and getting back to a few things in life that have been on hold. But if the pandemic has meant a convenient reason why I can't see my parents, getting vaccinated means addressing whether I want to see my parents.

I was no-contact with uBPD mom from Easter of 2018 until early last year (pre-pandemic), when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. At this point he's been through treatment, and prognosis is very good; but I've been calling more regularly to check in with my dad, encouraging both of them to wear masks and take social distancing seriously (basically trying to "inoculate" them against conspiracies and fake news and scams), and making it clear that I love both of them and am concerned for their health. There have been a couple brief calls with my mom, but I have done a good job of not getting hooked by her hyper-emotional traps, changing the topic, and ending the call. 

So despite what my mom might say or think, I don't wish for them to die. Yet as things start to open up, I anticipate more pressure to visit them...and I'm actually pretty good with the status quo. It just means defending my boundaries will once again be active and hard work. Can anyone relate?

[madeline7]

I can relate. It has been a reprieve and the only thing that has been good about this pandemic for me. In the meantime I have moved away, close enough for a visit from time to time but too far for regular trips. And my Mom's MO is to plan a visit then suddenly be unable to get out of bed. It will be a struggle for me to maintain boundaries in that case and I no longer want to be sucked into sitting at her bedside while she complains. What I have learned during this pandemic is that life is precious and I have already wasted so much time dealing with the toxic behavior of an uBPDm, I want to use my time in more constructive and positive ways.

[zachira]

I can relate. I have not seen any of my immediate or extended family in well over a year. The pandemic has allowed me to have more realistic views of the abuse other family scapegoats and I are dealing with from several generations of family members. The pandemic is helping me to learn better emotional regulation skills, to be calmer and happier most of the time, and not get so enraged by all the lifelong multigenerational abuse for such long periods of time.
It sounds like keeping some of the healthier boundaries established during the pandemic may make sense for those of us who don't feel safe in the presence of family members who mistreat us. I am wondering what are some of the boundaries you would like to establish with your disordered family members that will help you to feel safer and more in control of the quality of life you have once herd immunity is established and we can no longer use the pandemic to stay away from the family members that continue to mistreat us.

[Methuen]

I can relate.  The silver lining of the pandemic was that my mother was so fearful of Covid.  Her friends (also in their 80s and 90’s) isolated from their families and grandchildren.  UBPD mom does whatever her friends do, which was an absolute godsend  for me.  I could deliver her groceries to the door  with my mask on, and she would take them and close the door.  It was amazing to not have the obligation of all the expected  long visits while she would complain about the minutiae of her life or other people, or me, or whatever.  Now she reports her friends have kids who bring a dinner over once a week  to eat with their mom.  She told me she wanted that too.  I have delivered  2-3 dinners per week for years). I’m  intensely feeling  the pressure, but have really worked on boundaries, so despite  her FOG, we’re taking a meal over here once every 4-6 weeks to eat with her, or whatever works for us.   Vaccines and herd immunity will definitely change the expectations for contact, and this  is where Boundaries are just so important.  Once we loosen our boundaries to meet their needs/demands (instead of ours), it will feel impossible to get back to the level of lower contact we’ve enjoyed with Covid.  Ubpd famly members  (our parents) are used to this reduced Covid level of contact currently .  The trick for us is to hold our boundaries as Covid lifts with herd immunity, and manage the emotional blackmail with the tools we have learned.  Its hard and it sucks.  But personally I have come too far, to go back to where I used  to be.  I’m stronger now than I used to be.  You can be too sklamath.  You’ve  got this   I hope your dad contines to improve.  Your mom will likely dramatize your dads health situation.  Thats what my mom did with my dad, and now does with her friends.  Some  friend is always on deaths door, but in reality  they aren’t. It’s her emotions that are.  I have learned to let her self sooth.  I believe we can help by giving them opportunities to self sooth more often.  Its kind of a different way of looking at it, instead of feeling responsible for their feelngs or fixing their problems. I don’t  call it tough love.   It’s just managing a difficult relationship with someone who is more child than adult, and who refuses assisted living.  The silver blessing of the pandemic has been reduced contact which we didn’t have to set a boundary for. 

[Mata]

I can also relate.  I feels kind of bad to admit, but the pandemic has been good for me.  It has given me the time and space away from my BPD mom that I really needed.  I'm personally in the best place I've been mentally in years, due in part to starting therapy and being forced low contact with my mom.

My mom is now fully vaccinated, and I had my first visit with her last week.  She lives in a senior apartment that is part of an assisted living community, so it was still a socially distanced, masked visit, with a limit of 45 minutes.  It went okay.  She has decided she no longer wants to live there, so in April she is moving back to her house, which is about 4 hours away.  I'm looking forward to that too.  A year ago, I would have probably tried to talk her out of it.  I am planning to keep many of the pandemic-imposed boundaries in place. 

[sklamath]

Thank you for the thoughtful, kind, and validating replies—and the positive reinforcement. We have worked hard to build these skills, and we can keep good boundaries as usual life and expectations resume!    This pandemic has brought so much pain and loss and heartache; it’s nice to have people who understand the mixed feelings of the enforced limited contact with a disordered family member. (I also understand that it‘s made things even harder for some who are living with or having to interact even more with a family member with BPD, so hugs to you all, too.)

I would like to maintain the current boundaries with my mother. Brief phone calls are fine; they stop being fine when they cross into emotional manipulation, and I am committed to changing the subject or ending the conversation firmly but politely. Should my travels bring me to my hometown, I am OK with the idea of staying in a hotel and meeting my parents (both of them together—not my mother alone) for dinner at a restaurant. I will bring cash so that if I need to leave quickly, I can cover the bill and leave. I am not interested in being in their house; I told them as much 3 years ago, and nothing has transpired that would have changed my position on that.

[Sylfine]

Hi sklamath!  I can relate as well.  It was due to COVID that I realized my mother is most likely uBPD.  This year has been a wonderful time of reflection and growth.  I've thoroughly enjoyed not feeling obligated to visit my FOO.  You have a very good strategy for handling things if you are near them.  I applaud you!

Unfortunately, now that my uBPDM is vaccinated, she is putting pressure on me to see them.  She only cares that she is protected - d*mn everyone else (she literally said this).  I've made it clear from the beginning that we are not seeing anyone until we are fully vaccinated, but she doesn't care.  But that is a separate post...

[hope2727]

Thank you so much for this post. I haven't had to (ok well barely had to) deal with with my FOO for the year of the pandemic. Its been bliss. I can't stand the conflict and drama. I considered moving, changing my number, and just vanishing following the pandemic. However someone pointed out my family would likely send the police to find me. Sigh. So low on the radar may be better then off it entirely. However it really has been a lovely break. I am so glad someone else experiences this. It makes me feel far less odd and alone. So once again Thank you.