Seeking Advice/Support - Disappointing Sibling to Avoid uBPD Mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Just looking for some advice or support

I went nc with my uBPD mom last November, and I am not ready to face her yet.
My sister's graduation is this May as well as another ceremony I won't specify for privacy. I want to go to support her, and I was going to be involved in the second.
I decided that it would be best if I didn't go. Because 1. I'm not ready to face my mother who will be there, and 2. That time should be about her, and if I'm there it'll be overshadowed by the conflict between my mother and I. (I think the whole time would be her making a show of either ignoring me or begging me to forgive her.)

She texted me this weekend the finalized dates for those and I'm going to talk to her possibly tonight about why I shouldn't/can't go. I haven't had the conversation with her about why I went NC so I'm stressed thinking about this, and almost cried a few times.

My plan for the call is:
1. Ask what she knows about what happened between my mom and I. And clarify why it matters to me that I have space right now.
2. Explain why I think it's better that I don't come (mostly that I don't want to turn it into a drama).
And having my boyfriend there to support me, though quietly so I'm not continuing my mother's narrative that he's controlling me.

I'm not sure if she'll try to convince me to come. Or if she'll be like my other sibling and want me to just "make peace" or "confront it". I like to please people and compromise, so I'm easily swayed to give up information or agree to plans (hence the boyfriend support). Maybe she'll be totally understanding.

I feel bad saying no to her when she deserves better and when it's something I would otherwise be eagerly going to.

[Onyx22]

Just looking for some advice or support

I went nc with my uBPD mom last November, and I am not ready to face her yet.
My sister's graduation is this May as well as another ceremony I won't specify for privacy. I want to go to support her, and I was going to be involved in the second.
I decided that it would be best if I didn't go. Because 1. I'm not ready to face my mother who will be there, and 2. That time should be about her, and if I'm there it'll be overshadowed by the conflict between my mother and I. (I think the whole time would be her making a show of either ignoring me or begging me to forgive her.)

She texted me this weekend the finalized dates for those and I'm going to talk to her possibly tonight about why I shouldn't/can't go. I haven't had the conversation with her about why I went NC so I'm stressed thinking about this, and almost cried a few times.

My plan for the call is:
1. Ask what she knows about what happened between my mom and I. And clarify why it matters to me that I have space right now.
2. Explain why I think it's better that I don't come (mostly that I don't want to turn it into a drama).
And having my boyfriend there to support me, though quietly so I'm not continuing my mother's narrative that he's controlling me.

I'm not sure if she'll try to convince me to come. Or if she'll be like my other sibling and want me to just "make peace" or "confront it". I like to please people and compromise, so I'm easily swayed to give up information or agree to plans (hence the boyfriend support). Maybe she'll be totally understanding.

I feel bad saying no to her when she deserves better and when it's something I would otherwise be eagerly going to.

[PearlsBefore]

Not child-of-BPD-specific or anything, but in general I'd say the Graduation is a lesser deal than the "other" celebration. Adult siblings, so far as I'm aware, often don't attend each other's graduation but perhaps promise to take each other out for drinks or a concert to celebrate in the days/weeks afterward...so that would be my escape there.

The other celebration, keep in mind your sister is going to be doubly upset because while you showing up would make your mother harass you...you not showing up increases the chances of your mother harassing HER or loudly complaining about what an ingrate/lout/unforgivingWitch you are...basically not a good fit for a celebration. Perhaps you could pull a compromise whereby you "can only show up for an hour" at either the venue or the later venue, etc...and then you'll arrange something with her friends or something for the next day or when she returns or whatever? By showing up for an hour, your mother won't whine to your sister/guests about your absence - but you can avoid her that long, etc?

Personally I wouldn't do #1 on your list, and it would annoy me if a sibling did that to me as I'd feel awkwardly in the middle of family drama AND forced to acknowledge it...but I am male, and do not pretend to understand the feminine mind and its desire to discuss difficult subjects. THAT IS WHY MEN INVENTED THE INTERNET. 

[Onyx22]

I forgot to put in that she lives far away from me, which makes things harder to finagle. If I do limit my time around my mom, I think it would encourage more complaining from her if I'm "sitting in a hotel room because I hate her and don't care about family or my sister ...".

My mom likes the attention to be on her. So what I imagine is she'd play the proud mother, there'd be less of a reason to make me the bad guy to people I don't know when I'm not around.
This is the first time someone in the family set a real boundary with her, so I really don't know how she's behaving.
It could go the other way and the thing can be taken over by my mom crying about how she's not respected etc... As most events go anyway if she's not the center of attention. *Sigh* I spend too much time thinking of bad scenarios that could happen if I see her again.

The reason for discussing 1 is because she was living with my mother for a month after the fallout (school break) and has probably only heard my sibling and mother's perspectives. I don't plan to force the conversation, I just don't want her to think I went NC for little to no reason and now it's affecting her.
I really want to show her the letters and texts and say "Look, abuse!" But that's not a good idea.

Neither of my siblings realize her behavior isn't acceptable, it was so normal for us. It took a lot for me to accept.

I guess I am mostly stressed/scared of coming face to face with my mother. I want to do what's best for everyone, but I don't know what would happen for sure so I'm just leaning towards my comfort zone.

[Weekend56]

Onyx22,

I am the only sibling of many who still talks to my mom with BPD, so I can say with confidence that I appreciate your position.  My perspective is similar to your sibling's.  I moved away to college in the far away place where my mom lived.  I was always sad that no one ever came to visit me, and especially when I graduated it made me feel really alone.

If I were you I would tell your sibling exactly what you said here.  I wish my sister had told me that, because as I read it now I know that is exactly how she was feeling when she didn't come to my graduation.  But knowing is one thing, and hearing it is another.

The reality is that there's no easy way to go from here, so take it at your own pace.  I would also recommend taking your sister out for a solo celebration without your mom   You'll know when/if you're ready and that's your decision.

It has been very healing for me to read your post <3 Thank you for sharing.

-Weekend

[zachira]

I would talk to your sister and ask her what she would like you to do. Based on past history with your mother, your concern that your mother will likely make a scene at your sister's graduation and possibly ruin it for everybody is a real possibility. I like the suggestion that you do something outside the graduation to celebrate with your sister without your mother present.