I think the thing to do here is intently consider what is the risk if you expose to her that you taped her to the family therapist sessions she is currently attending. Currently she is attending sessions with the family therapist, whom it sounds is experienced. This is amazing. Do you want to risk that stopping? If this is an experienced family therapist, your wife has probably already exposed herself and the dynamic problems to the therapist, even if you are not aware that the therapist is aware. The therapist will be more than aware of how carefully they must tread in front of your wife.
If you shared the tape in front of her to the family therapist, think about what could go wrong. Is your wife likely to respond positively to this? What could be the real actual potential benefit(s)? What could be the actual potential risk(s)?
I once wrote out some facts for my uBPD mom's doctor on a sheet of paper which I took with me (hidden) as I accompanied my mom to her Dr appt. Whilst my mom was using the bathroom, I felt safe to hand over the paper to the Dr. Unfortunately, my mom came back from the bathroom uncannily early, and saw me handing a sheet of paper to the Dr. That was about 10 years ago. Trust me when I say I wished I had not taken that chance. (Since then I have had private appts for myself, and in person conversations with her Dr to give him information only since he cannot break confidentiality about his patient. The appts have been to seek advice for myself.)
I can totally empathize with your wanting to expose your truth to the family therapist. We've all been there. But right now she is at least attending therapy with you. If you expose this tape, in my experience, her attending this therapy may end, she will become more dysregulated than she already is, the abuse in front of the kids could increase, and she will blame you for it all.
If you really want to expose your truth to the family therapist, can you call the family therapist privately (not from your house where your wife could overhear), and share your information that you have this tape? Leave it up to the family therapist with how to proceed, and trust the experienced therapist?
...but the fact is that my wife hasn’t acknowledged that she loses control. I’m scared of opening the gates, but I realize this is damaging to the kids who are elementary school age. I’m also worried she will start making unfounded allegations because she tends to blame me after these incidents. I am thinking about approaching an inexperienced lawyer
It sounds like there is a lot going on here. Can you continue to secretly record these incidents to record evidence, since you are fearful she will start making unfounded allegations? If you seek advice from a lawyer, I would seek a lawyer who you are convinced has experience with BPD.
Is your wife also seeing a personal therapist, along with the family therapist? If yes, that is amazing. My uBPD mom refused to see a T her entire life. Denial. Well, she went to 1 session, didn't like what she heard, and that was the end of her T.
If your wife found out you were recording these events (BPD's have an uncanny sense of discovering what we are up to), what could happen?
Take things slowly. Breathe. Take your time. Be careful.
All these things seem to lead to the possibility of escalation. Instead, is there anything you can change with how you react to her during these episodes, to de-escalate? I'm thinking of the Tools on this board, available to help us navigate these high conflict relationship? In particular, SET, asking validating questions, not JADEing etc. Are you also trying the de-escalation routes? To any avail?
In reading between the lines of your email, I get the feeling you are nervous about sharing this tape with the family therapist, even though that is what your personal therapist suggested you do. If I have read between the lines correctly, in my experience, I think you are right to be nervous about this.
