Impact on work

[truthdevotee]

Last few days I'm on sick leave. My boss wrote me that "reading between the lines she can feel that physical health isn't the only aspect to the situation" and invites me to chat. I guess it's time to tell her about my wife's struggle to look after the children and refusal to get a baby sitter. My wife condemns me to reveal anything.


I'm feeling so exhausted from all the talking and blaming from my wife.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[truthdevotee]

Deep down starting to want to be apart, and losing the desire to be close

[Cat Familiar]

If you think of pluses and minuses about your relationship, you can easily list the negatives.

What are the positives about your wife that initially drew you into this relationship?

What are the current positives that keep you with her?

[formflier]

And...what do you think you wish to reveal to your boss.

Best,

FF

[truthdevotee]

If you think of pluses and minuses about your relationship, you can easily list the negatives.

What are the positives about your wife that initially drew you into this relationship?

What are the current positives that keep you with her?

When I met her around 8 years ago, I was a dating / sex addict. Since the age of 14 I was addicted to pornography, and the very same addiction evolved into the dating and sex addiction in my 20s. I was addicted to approaching women in a loving way, generally laughing and building intimacy quickly. The desire to learn this was born out of low self esteem and the resulting desire to escape my fears by facing them, and to live a better life. However, it became an addiction. On a deeper level, I was playing out some deep unconscious processes. I was, sadly, more interested in building intimacy with the goal of sexual closeness than with the woman herself. I wanted to feel good about myself, and women became a way for me to get that high.

Over the years before meeting my wife, I went to 12 step groups. Just before I met my wife, I got a new sponsor.

My wife was the last woman I approached. 4 months after we met, I started getting alarm bells, and the karpman triangle already started between us. I never actually had any honeymoon period with her internally. But that's because i was an addict.

Since I had no idea what I felt or needed (apart from sexual desire and fear), I had no idea what to do with the alarm bells. I tried to leave her a few times, but as the caretaker I was pulled back in easily. My sponsor advised to be loyal until properly relieved (he's ex military and still my sponsor). So I stayed. In some way my sponsors advise was correct, only by going through all of this have I come to the point of learning how to listen to myself.

My point here is... There were no positives... Only the sexual connection. The situation has been painful enough to teach me the dangers of sex addiction and chasing pressure before connection and alignment with a woman. I don't think anything else could teach me this. I'm now at the point, that if looking to a new relationship I'm the future, I'll be much more careful despite the temptations in me. I'll also teach my sons to know what they value, to learn how to identify a suitable partner, and to never chase relationships but rather follow their purpose and know their true interests and hobbies. Also, awareness of my mental health issues (ADHD, OCD) at the source of my addiction, will help me to spot similar issues in my boys as they grow (its obvious one of them has adhd already)

The current positives? I've been driven to fulfil my potential in all areas of life. Having my wife gave me focus. Although I'm struggling right now, I've wanted an intact family. But there's not many about her... We have had sex like 10 times in 3 years. I am basically abstinent, which isn't necessarily bad as I was so addicted for many years. In terms of character traits, I don't know if I know her much away from bpd... She loves nature and she taught me to love it. She loves holidays. She has a side of her that seems curious about growth.

[truthdevotee]

It may be good for me to stop talking on all heavy topics because it's clear that her goal is to try to persuade me to follow her perceptions.

Instead, to bring more enjoyment to our lives, I should invite her into activities like movie watching, playing games, etc. As in, I'm feeling miserable because i haven't set the boundary to stop discussing topics which have no solution. Instead I need to lead by doing fun stuff and saying no to the endless listening that has become an obligation and which never brings her desired satisfaction.

[truthdevotee]

And...what do you think you wish to reveal to your boss.

Best,

FF

Hi FF

giving this some thought. It's a good question. Thanks. I'll write back.

[truthdevotee]

It may be good for me to stop talking on all heavy topics because it's clear that her goal is to try to persuade me to follow her perceptions.

Instead, to bring more enjoyment to our lives, I should invite her into activities like movie watching, playing games, etc. As in, I'm feeling miserable because i haven't set the boundary to stop discussing topics which have no solution. Instead I need to lead by doing fun stuff and saying no to the endless listening that has become an obligation and which never brings her desired satisfaction.

I took this approach tonight and said I don't want to talk about heavy topics. Don't want to talk about FOO.

It worked. We spent 15 minutes together that were actually enjoyable and connecting. Ironically by refusing to connect on the things she wants to "connect on" we connected.

I'm so tired of all the topics we've "discussed" thousands of times. By kindly expressing my desire to connect differently and avoid heavy topics going forward, it was relieving.

[Notwendy]

Something to consider with addiction. One can have an addictive pattern with many things- and you are familiar with them- love, drugs, alcohol, spending, working too much- and many more. It's not that all of these things are what we think of as "bad" such as drugs. Workaholics are commended for their hard work- and we need to work. Love and relationships, even shopping for things we need are good things. It's the addictive pattern that is the problem.

Every behavior has a cost and benefit. An addict will pursue the behavior even at great cost to themselves: health, work, finances, family can be impacted but the addict will still pursue the "addiction".

I have read that the push-pull cycle and an emotionally charged relationship can mimic the effects of a drug and can then be "addictive". Think of how you feel the next morning after a big argument/emotionally charged discussion or rage? You might recognize this as feeling similar to a hangover. When the loved one is distant it might feel like withdrawal.

I agree that these "intense" discussions are draining and yet, you both might feel drawn into them. Intense love can feel like a "high".

The problem with "emotional sobriety"- not as much emotional drama- is that, it might not feel very exciting if someone likes the highs and lows.

I agree with avoiding the tough topic talks. They are often emotionally charged and may not lead to a solution. Maybe less of them will feel less emotionally charged.

[Notwendy]

The question of what to disclose at work is a tough one for me. Personally, I would err on the side of caution. For me, disclosing details of what went on at home growing up was not allowed. In addition, since my mother's public persona was quite "together" people didn't believe me if I did say anything and considered it terrible to say such things. I can discuss it online in an anonynous situation.

There's also a certain boundary with work relationships. Your boss may be empathetic but ultimately work relationships require some boundaries. Taking leave does involve disclosure to some extent, but I would personally not reveal serious marital difficulties at work, or personal issues about a spouse. I also wouldn't lie but would try to find a boundary. "We are having some family stresses of a personal nature" is different from "my wife has BPD and has gone off the rails".

There also needs to be a boundary around your job and you need to uphold that one at home. Ultimately, any employer wants a productive employee. Yes, they can be empathetic for unexpected situations but frequent low production/absence could put your job at risk. You simply can not be available to your wife at any time. You need reliable child care. If your wife is unreliable, then you need to arrange that. If she doesn't like it, it needs to be clear that- if you don't work, there's no money for food, or clothes, or home expenses.

It may not seem fair to have to arrange child care if your wife is home- even if she agreed to do it. The reality is that, even if she's good with the kids- is she reliable? If you can't go to work with the peace of mind that you have reliable child care, it need to be arranged. She may be physically able and willing but consider her emotional "age". You might have a teen age babysitter for an evening, and that would be fine. Would you rely on a teen age sitter all day, every day, while you go to work? Probably not, because even if the teen ager is a safe sitter, they may not have the emotional maturity for the job. BPD can vary but it's possible your wife may not either.

One idea might be a combination. Have your wife watch the kids in the morning and a sitter come in the afternoons to give her a break. You might even present it this way- not " you aren't capable of watching the kids all day" but " I need to be at work, and I appreciate you and want to do this for you so you can have some time to yourself".

However you do this, you need to be available to your job to meet the family's needs.

[truthdevotee]

I have read that the push-pull cycle and an emotionally charged relationship can mimic the effects of a drug and can then be "addictive". Think of how you feel the next morning after a big argument/emotionally charged discussion or rage? You might recognize this as feeling similar to a hangover. When the loved one is distant it might feel like withdrawal.

So so true. I recognise myself in this, and I witness the part of my psyche that actually desires to sit through with listening for hours.

I agree that these "intense" discussions are draining and yet, you both might feel drawn into them. Intense love can feel like a "high".

The problem with "emotional sobriety"- not as much emotional drama- is that, it might not feel very exciting if someone likes the highs and lows.

I agree with avoiding the tough topic talks. They are often emotionally charged and may not lead to a solution. Maybe less of them will feel less emotionally charged.

Wow... This is super insightful. Thank you! This makes total sense.

My wife won't recognise it as an addiction, I'm sure. She now says she wants to find someone else to have these deep talks with, whether it be a friend, therapist or soul mate. However, she's not willing to pay for therapy.

[truthdevotee]

The question of what to disclose at work is a tough one for me. Personally, I would err on the side of caution. For me, disclosing details of what went on at home growing up was not allowed. In addition, since my mother's public persona was quite "together" people didn't believe me if I did say anything and considered it terrible to say such things. I can discuss it online in an anonynous situation.

There's also a certain boundary with work relationships. Your boss may be empathetic but ultimately work relationships require some boundaries. Taking leave does involve disclosure to some extent, but I would personally not reveal serious marital difficulties at work, or personal issues about a spouse. I also wouldn't lie but would try to find a boundary. "We are having some family stresses of a personal nature" is different from "my wife has BPD and has gone off the rails".

Thank you for sharing and for this guidance. That's very true, I need to maintain boundaries. Also my boss has a certain amount of immaturity similar to my wife's. For example, she can gossip about others and talk angrily about them behind their back.. Very angrily.

So far I indicated to my boss that I'm open to talking in more detail about the situation at home, but not more than that, yet.

There also needs to be a boundary around your job and you need to uphold that one at home. Ultimately, any employer wants a productive employee. Yes, they can be empathetic for unexpected situations but frequent low production/absence could put your job at risk. You simply can not be available to your wife at any time. You need reliable child care. If your wife is unreliable, then you need to arrange that. If she doesn't like it, it needs to be clear that- if you don't work, there's no money for food, or clothes, or home expenses.

It may not seem fair to have to arrange child care if your wife is home- even if she agreed to do it. The reality is that, even if she's good with the kids- is she reliable? If you can't go to work with the peace of mind that you have reliable child care, it need to be arranged. She may be physically able and willing but consider her emotional "age". You might have a teen age babysitter for an evening, and that would be fine. Would you rely on a teen age sitter all day, every day, while you go to work? Probably not, because even if the teen ager is a safe sitter, they may not have the emotional maturity for the job. BPD can vary but it's possible your wife may not either.

One idea might be a combination. Have your wife watch the kids in the morning and a sitter come in the afternoons to give her a break. You might even present it this way- not " you aren't capable of watching the kids all day" but " I need to be at work, and I appreciate you and want to do this for you so you can have some time to yourself".

However you do this, you need to be available to your job to meet the family's needs.

Thanks for sharing, Notwendy. These are great ideas for me to reflect on.

I must finally put an end (boundary) to the lack of structure between family and work. It's been years of not fulfilling my work hours. Very stressful.

My wife refused anyone at our time. Yesterday I emailed a private kindergarten to see if they have space for my youngest. If not, the only possibility is the children going to a nanny's home.

I just must ensure I'm renting Airbnb rooms for the time being, during COVID, to ensure this physical boundary and to avoid being relied upon

[Notwendy]

I think the way it is presented is important. From my experience, any insinuation that my mother "can't" do something is not received well. However, presenting it in a form of " this is for you to do something you like to do" or " you do such an important job -you deserve a break" is received better.

I understand her not wanting someone in the house. That person might catch on to the idea that she has issues. Bringing the children to a nanny or school care might be the best option. A day care- home or otherwise- is often set up for kids with toys and things to do. This is less clean up at home and gives your wife some time to herself. It might take some stress off for both of you.

[khibomsis]

This notion of emotional addiction struck me with stunning force! I must admit that even though me and my expwBPD are broken up, the friendship is going well and she is dysregulating less and less despite some major life stresses, yet I feel the occasional compulsion to ask her questions about our relationship and why she did what she did. Fortunately I bite my tongue for fear of wakening a sleeping tiger. Now I realize it is my FOO issues. Arguing with my uNBPD mother was painful but sometimes was the only way I got attention. I guess when wine is all you get to drink it is easy to become an alcoholic.

td, you got this. You have come so far in your thinking in the past few weeks, and I know it is just the beginning.

 

[truthdevotee]

I think the way it is presented is important. From my experience, any insinuation that my mother "can't" do something is not received well. However, presenting it in a form of " this is for you to do something you like to do" or " you do such an important job -you deserve a break" is received better.

So true... thanks...

I really appreciate you helping me to learn the loving approach. Honestly I still have a part of me that is resentful and angry and thinks "she should be more effective/loving/productive/etc." I see this is my inner child. I feel judgmental sometimes, although it's getting better now I know it's BPD.

I understand her not wanting someone in the house. That person might catch on to the idea that she has issues.

I'd never made this connection. This feels true.

Bringing the children to a nanny or school care might be the best option. A day care- home or otherwise- is often set up for kids with toys and things to do. This is less clean up at home and gives your wife some time to herself. It might take some stress off for both of you.

That's a really nice way to look at it. I'm signing up to a nanny website now. I've tried to do this but since it has a cost in the past I was persuaded not to sign up by my pwBPD. I now have the inner tools to take the next right action - sign up anyway and search for a suitable nanny in our area, where the boys can go.

Tomorrow I'll check out a co-working space in my area. If I like it I can sign up for a membership and use the space when I can't go to the office due to COVID. This will provide the physical boundary that's needed between home/work.

[truthdevotee]

This notion of emotional addiction struck me with stunning force! I must admit that even though me and my expwBPD are broken up, the friendship is going well and she is dysregulating less and less despite some major life stresses, yet I feel the occasional compulsion to ask her questions about our relationship and why she did what she did. Fortunately I bite my tongue for fear of wakening a sleeping tiger. Now I realize it is my FOO issues. Arguing with my uNBPD mother was painful but sometimes was the only way I got attention. I guess when wine is all you get to drink it is easy to become an alcoholic.

td, you got this. You have come so far in your thinking in the past few weeks, and I know it is just the beginning.

 

Thanks for sharing and thanks so very much for your loving support 

[truthdevotee]

Some good progress today.

I'm back at work - finished the sick leave with the doctor. For the first time, I'm doing what I wanted to do so many months ago - I'm in a co-working space in my area. I was persuaded not to do this due to my pwBPD's financial fears. For several months I have been working in an underground floor, which has been very stressful. Every time I would return to the house I'd be distuirbed a lot either by my wife's desire to talk or because I ended up cooking, cleaning or looking after my youngest son. I'm now in a beautiful co-working space and getting some proper work done.

Additionally, I've finally reached out looking for a nanny to support my wife with the boys. I've wanted to do this for years, but have always been persuaded out of it due to my wife's financial fears. In essence, I've always given up my heart's desire according to her desires. I'm now taking responsibility and there's a conviction about it which she doesn't seem to argue with... I may speak to soon though. I'll find a nanny/babysitter and from this day forward, I won't work in the same building as my apartment (in the underground floor), to establish that strong physical boundary between home and work. I can't tell you the relief, the stress relief, that working in a nice environment is doing for me. My head isn't so fuzzy, I'm not dehydrated (in the underground room there was no running water or toilet, so I'd have to go upstairs to the apartment for basic needs, and this would result more often than not in a lot of time/energy disturbance).

It feels great to be taking control of my life. Even this morning she was expressing so many fears about being home alone with the boys, and about me going across town to the co-working space. But, this time, with my new knowledge of BPD and the support of this forum, I was able to listen, empathize, re-affirm how it's hard for me to leave her because I love her so much, but that I MUST go to work in a better environment.

I informed my boss on a high-level that I'm working to improve the situation at home, by using co-working environments going forward and by hiring a nanny/babysitter as soon as possible. I've done this without revealing my wife's issues; I just generally referred to the fact that I've clarified at home that if the situation continues much longer the way it has been, I will end up losing my job. So, my boss now sees that I'm aware of the situation through her eyes (losing the productivity of her employee), and my wife now sees that if I don't have the proper time and space to work, I would lose my job.

It's been years... years of stress and emotional drama... this very topic... work/home/money... and now, after so long, I'm doing what I knew needed to be done so long ago. Thus, I'm happy, and my only regret is not having had the strength to take the next right action so long ago. But that just goes to show the personal growth that is coming out of all of your support on this forum, and through these books...

AND SO I SAY - THANK YOU TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU WHO HELPS ME - WITHOUT YOU, I WOULD NOT BE SITTING HERE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL CO-WORKING ENVIRONMENT.

Thank you

[formflier]

I think any boss can put that in a good perspective.

I mean..the pandemic and all of this has made things interesting for all of us.

So pleased for you that you are getting good work done!

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Great progress 

[khibomsis]

So happy for you, td Don't worry about the FOG. I find it best not to regret the things I have done. Without them I would not have learnt to be the person I am today
 

[truthdevotee]

Thanks all

I had a meeting with my boss today. I was conscious of maintaining boundaries. My boss is extremely intuitive and noticed and said it is admirable that I'm keeping boundary on how much sensitive information to reveal, as she is only hearing my side of the story, not my wife's. My boss clarified that she only brings up the topic due to the loss of productivity of her employee (me).

It was a very connecting conversation but in the end I wonder if I revealed too much. I revealed respectfully that I've been depended on a lot at home, which my boss already intuited. I also mentioned towards the end that I went to an Airbnb flat last week. It's hard to remember all the specifics, but my boss was very empathetic and supportive and basically encouraged me to sustain the boundaries I've been building. It was an intimate talk but not one that was necessarily out of context for my boss and i - we generally talk very authentically about personal growth.

But here's the thing. I knew my wife will ask me if I talked to my boss. It was so inevitable that I contacted my sponsor by email to let him know in advance that I may not be able to tell my wife the whole truth about what i discussed with my boss. At the end of the evening, indeed, my wife asked the question.

I did something I've never done before. I told a lie. I'm normally hyper responsible (OCD) about telling the truth. I would tell the whole truth about everything throughout my relationship with my wife, and this often had negative emotional repercussions. Whereas I kind of all comfortable sharing personal downsides and growth opportunities with people, my wife likes to make sure anything personal is hidden. I've picked up since coming to the forum that this is typical of BPD.

I was very careful about keeping the right boundary with my boss. But as the conversation developed, it seemed right to be open as I could feel my boss knew somehow what was going on, anyway. I indirectly revealed that I'm learning to set the right boundaries at home so I can properly focus on my job. I insinuated that I've been run by fear due to my wife's anger reactions and that I'm finding freedom by being honest about what I need. I also mentioned i left the house last week.

I'm summary, I revealed everything in an indirect way, my boss respected my desire to not reveal too much. In a sense, my boss now knows what I felt she already knew, anyway
It's just now conscious and out in the open, and she shared gratitude and said that it's now easier to empathise. She even shared about an ex relationship that reflected a similar pattern

So... My wife asked me if i said anything about our relationship and problems. I said no... But this was a lie.

I also told my wife that I just said we are two very exhausted parents, hence me being distracted from my work over the months and taking sick leave over the past 10 days. However, this isn't true as I didn't use the word exhausted and I did insinuate that I'm learning about boundary setting to ensure a more equal balance of responsibility between my wife and i.

It's ironic that I have more real intimacy with my boss than with my
Wife

I have been a 100% tell the whole truth to everyone including my wife over the years. I don't know if this was even wise but it felt right. And something in me now feels wrong for telling lies to my wife, even though the result was definitely preferable - a quiet evening with no emotional chaos. In essence, i and she had peace due to the lie, but I'm not sure if that makes it right! E. G. Lying about cheating may keep one's partner calm, but is it the right thing to do...

Really open to feed back and guidance.. Do I need to make amends?

[Notwendy]

TD, do nothing for now. Let this sit a while.

I am not telling you to lie, however, being an open book when your boundaries are being violated puts you in an unevenly vulnerable position with your wife. Ideally you would be able to say "this was a work related confidential conversation". or "it was not about our family" which is in a sense true, because the focus was your work and the family information was discussed in relation to your productivity. Your boss was concerned about that, not interested in prying into your wife's issues.

However, you aren't there yet. Even though you have made some progress, keep in mind this is a process, progress not perfection. There will be victories and bumps in the road. It's all a learning process.

[Notwendy]

I don't advocate dishonesty, but being open and transparent in a situation where the other person may violate boundaries puts you in a difficult and vulnerable position. For me personally, this needed a boundary adjustment. I don't reveal personal information or emotionally difficult information to people I don't feel emotionally "safe" with.

As to "making ammends" - it would help to look at this statement. It doesn't say you have to make ammends. It says


“We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”



I think it's allowable to consider yourself in this and decide if making amends would be harmful.


Maybe work on a different answer next time. "We talked about work related issues" might be a compromise as you spoke of how this impacts your work.

Of course the whole point of step 9 is how one feels about themselves and if you are truly not feeling right about yourself, then you can choose to say you did - and take the consequences. You always have a choice and it's for your own feelings about yourself. Ultimately it's your decision.

[formflier]

Hey...can you write out exactly what you told your boss?

Perhaps we can help you frame what you say to your wife in a way that isn't a complete lie.

Also...you may want to put off answering in the future.

"Oh babe...I'm exhausted and can't think anymore about work at the moment.  Let's talk about my boss tomorrow over brunch."

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

Yes, putting things off is a good approach. Also speaking in "I " terms. " I love you and the children but I need a quiet space to work so we have enough money to support us" is better than " I can't work with you around".

What was said was said. I don't think you were intentionally setting out to either discuss your wife behind her back or lie to her. Somehow you felt it was going to result in an excessive reaction and you avoided that. Yes, there was probably a better way to say it but once said- now the discussion is about amends.

Look at the overall picture. This is the first thing your wife brought up- with the boss and with you speaking to your parents. I am going to guess this is a big fear underlying your wife's control. If you aren't able to speak to someone then you won't talk about her. And if you do speak to someone, your wife then asks you for every detail. I doubt she's interested in every detail. She wants to know if you spoke about her and what you said.

Does the punishment fit the "crime"? From my own experience with BPD mother, disclosure of any of her issues is the ultimate crime and the "punishment" is proportional in our family dynamics. It is the huge secret we are absolutely not allowed to let on to anyone. It was probably the #1 rule for our family.

Our extended family and circle of people are divided ( according to my mother) into "on her side" and "not on her side". If you are thought to be "not on her side" you are basically banished and she enlists the others "against" you. I have been "banished" by her as an adult. This resulted in her interferring with my relationship with my father and her extended family.

If you had disclosed your wife's issues to just another person you knew, well you could probably not have contact with that person and be OK. However, this is your boss and your job and your livelihood and your family needs this to have their basic needs met. So it again comes down to- make amends except when the amends will cause harm to others. I think your job is already in a tenuous situation due to the impact of you wife's behavior and --and your wife's reaction to an amends might make it extremely difficult to speak to your boss or leave the house to work. Just my 2cents.

[truthdevotee]

Thanks so much for all your support.

I thought carefully about Step 9. I felt that revealing what I said to my boss was hazardous and would be yet another "thing to discuss" ultimately bringing more chaos to our family system and my job.

Despite this, I couldn't be with the internal feeling of lack of integrity. I took the risk and let her know I need to tell her something about the discussion with my boss. I revealed to my wife that I told the boss we're having issues and that I was at an Airbnb last week. I also explained my overall intention when talking to the boss, and that the boss said it was "admirable" that I was so cautious about revealing things about my wife. This created the impression for my wife that my boss is respectful. I also explained to my wife that I said things from the first person perspective, not in anyway desiring to cast blame or judgement upon my wife. I said things like "I have struggled to split my responsibility between work and home over the last few months." I affirmed several times from my heart to my wife that I only described the problem that I have experienced in order to PROTECT my job and thus protect our family.

There were about 5 minutes of my wife's rage appearing. She's reading a book called Adult Children of Immature Parents and she's aware of the distinction between the true self and the false self (ego-self). To counter the rage reaction, I pulled her close and held her tight. She responded openly.

I told her from my heart that she is completely normal and has absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in my eyes. The fact is that my job has been sacrificed due to my focus on our home because I love my wife and children so much, but now this can't continue because my job is at risk. I affirmed that my boss - who solely wants to know what's going on with a usually productive employee - deserved to know, and by maintaining transparency with my boss, I'm ultimately protecting my job and our family. I held my wife and I said "you are beautiful, don't ever let anyone tell you you are not. You grew up with a father who almost completely ignored all of your basic needs for emotional connection. You are such a good mother and you are a beautiful person, and to me, you are so exhausted by looking after two children because you focus so so much on getting everything right and perfect. And so YOU DESERVE time to rest, time to learn through reading, time to care for yourself, because you had such a hard childhood. To me, you are normal, I don't want you to feel ashamed or let your father or anybody make you feel valueless"

I managed to reach into her heart and she responded well. We avoided the storm and I relieved my guilt by telling more openly what I talked about with my boss. Everything I said is true - I didn't have any intention to hurt my wife, I spoke from the "I" perspective, I revealed everything that I thought is necessary to protect my job. Additionally, I mentioned I won't say anything more to my boss because we're now resolving the situation by me using co-working spaces and getting more help. All next week my wife will be at her parents in another town with our kids. I'll have the whole week to work and even work extra hours and fix some things around the house.

It was risky, I just couldn't handle that inner feeling. I think I have some inner work to do about that. My desire to be open and transparent has definitely worked against me in the past, but maybe I give myself too much blame; it's always worked against me in the sense that my wife reacts with rage which can continue for several days.

So I learned a big lesson - be even more prepared. As someone with ADHD, this is a skill I need to develop. Be conscious, be prepared, be ready, think about what you're going to say in advance.

I see that this worked this time because I reached into her heart and acknowledged how perfect she is and that I do not judge her one bit - her heightened stress, her exhaustion, is all a result of things that happened to her that she couldn't control. I don't think she's experienced this kind of affirmation before. There's a light in her that I can continue to nurture and her trust in me will grow. I affirmed that I will spend the money to get some of the downtime we need - that "you deserve some time off honey, you're tired and you deserve some rest after all this hard work."

Thanks for everything everyone wrote in response to my post yesterday. It helps a ton to be better prepared for next time and not put myself in precarious positions. It's so true this is about my wife's fear of revealing things about her that make her look incompetent in anyway, because that triggers her shame. I think by showering her with praise and acknowledgment this morning, I was able to by-pass the rage reaction by showing love and healing the shame feeling.

[Notwendy]

First- it's good that you were true to yourself.

This is an interesting approach that, to be honest, I didn't consider. The words of affirmation calmed her. This sheds some light on how people in my mother's circles are with her. They do this frequently.

[truthdevotee]

First- it's good that you were true to yourself.

This is an interesting approach that, to be honest, I didn't consider. The words of affirmation calmed her. This sheds some light on how people in my mother's circles are with her. They do this frequently.

I think the OCD makes me hyper sensitive to my "integrity." I was true to myself but to be honest, I do not know if I was acting out OCD or doing the right thing. As I said, in the past, I've said things to my wife that triggered days long rages. I don't know if it would have been better not to say things. I could be that small lies are an OCD exposure, i.e. Expose oneself to the fear (in this case, lying), and do not try to fix the feelings of anxiety and guilt that they elicit. So, I'm completely in the clouds as to whether this was the right thing to do.

It's not always that my wife can receive love like I gave today. She's mellow because the recent storm has just finished. I have a sense that rage phases relate to her cycle. Seems to be a pattern there.

So, it seemed to work today (for now, as she's likely to bring up the topic again in the future}, but I'm not sure what my underlying unconscious motivation was for revealing more (consciously I wanted to rid myself of guilt)

[Notwendy]

It's hard to know what your motive was but again- it's about learning and that takes practice and I think learning ways to reply to these kinds of questions while also preserving your integrity would help.

It did give me some insight into my own family dynamics because it's been puzzling how people in my mother's circle are constantly praising and affirming her but she seems to need this and they are able to provide it.

[khibomsis]

Well done, td! The power of validation is mighty indeed.
And I wouldn't get to upset about concealing the truth at first. Timing is everything with BPD, broaching a subject during dysregulation will have dramatically different  consequences to discussing the same thing at baseline - or when you are not triggered.


I too have had many battles with my conscience, am like you a basically honest person who is doing my best to lead an authentic life.  BPD is the Twilight Zone, things change strangely in that zone. You are sorting out your workspace, both physically and emotionally. It is your family's lifeline. More power to you!