New Member Introduction

[Weekend56]

Good afternoon community!  I'm an ex-drug addict social worker and woman with a deep family history of depression.

I'm in my 30s and grew up the youngest of seven with an age gap of 22 years between myself and my oldest sister.  My mother is 73 years old and has struggled with BPD her entire life.  This has never been accurately diagnosed because of her age so we just grew up with "mom is crazy."  My parents have been divorced my whole life.

My youth was both scary and magical.  I was the apple of my mother's eye as she pushed my other siblings away.  My mother shared with me things that no child should hear about the abuse she suffered, but I grew to understand and endear her.  Meanwhile, my older siblings all have their reasons for distancing themselves from her.  I can't feign to understand what they went through and don't blame them for that.  But for me, understanding and accepting my mom for who she is was really good for me, despite how very, very hard it was to get to that point.  I love and value her very much.

Now, I'm concerned about my brother Jay.  I worry that they will go deeper into the emotional extremes, which has manifested physically their entire life.  They have always been a hypochondriac, but now it's gotten to the point that they are in a wheelchair.  I don't know what to do, and when my family asks for my expert opinion I have to tell them that I can't be the solution for this.  As hard as I've tried, my recommendations always fall on deaf ears.

I believe that sibling relationships can be most important and healing, and since Jay stopped talking to my mom we haven't been as close.  I kind of thought this would work itself out... but I see the reality of how easy it is to get your head trapped under the sand forever.  I won't ignore that the problem is getting worse.

My relationship with Jay is one that I would really like to heal, but every time I talk about my mom they start yelling about how they wish she was dead.  Every time I (or any of us) mention anything that upsets them, they will start crying and talking about how they're a burden, and if you are brutally honest they will become suicidal.

I don't know if confrontation is what they need, or if I'll just make things worse.  I want the healing that can come with confrontation and I am proud to say that I've gotten good at it in the majority of my relationships.  But the depth of this fills me with dread.

I am here because I'm really into community and healing justice.  I feel like being a part of a community that understands the depth of my "family secret" could be very healing for me.  Thanks for reading

-Weekend

[pursuingJoy]

Warm welcome, Weekend56. We're glad you're here. 

I feel like being a part of a community that understands the depth of my "family secret" could be very healing for me.  

I get it, and this is why I'm here too. This is a safe place.

What would confrontation with your brother look like? What do you want to say and accomplish?

[Weekend56]

Thank you for your response, pursuingJoy!

Oh boy, what would confrontation look like?  I guess ultimately it would come to me telling him I think it's stupid and selfish that he stopped talking to our mom.  I never get a straight answer when I ask other than that she is weird.  My end goal isn't to repair their relationship, but I think so many of Jay's issues stem from the qualities of himself he chooses to ignore--those that remind him of her.  I also think my mom at least deserves to hear why he stopped talking to her before she dies.  She goes into these loops nowadays, especially along with the isolation of the pandemic.

And what do I want to accomplish?  To make his life easier.  I have tried in every other way I can think of besides talking about his estranged mother to help.  I know it's not my job to fix him, but the rest of my family is not good at helping.  I'm the only one he really trusts.

Thanks again for listening.

[pursuingJoy]

I understand how hard this is.  :hug:I have a sister that quit talking to my mom and my three brothers few years ago, out of the blue. We grew up in an unhealthy family, mostly due to my dad. My mom is fairly laid back and respectful of boundaries. Sister moved to another state and refuses to explain why she won't speak to mom. It hurts mom deeply, but I know it isn't my role to fix this for her, or for the family. Sister still chats with me but intentionally keeps it pretty surface. I am well aware that she has no desire to speak to me about her feelings, and I respect that, but it's hard to watch.

I guess ultimately it would come to me telling him I think it's stupid and selfish that he stopped talking to our mom.

If you were to guess, what would his response to this be? Would he welcome this feedback from you and change his behavior? Close you out? Get angry?

And what do I want to accomplish?  To make his life easier.

How would this confrontation make his life easier?

 I'm the only one he really trusts.

This sounds like a big deal, especially since he knows you're close to the mother he isn't talking to. I'm guessing you want to keep this door open as long as possible - at least, I try to keep the door open with my sister. Are you a family that embraces open confrontation or do you tend to shy away from it?

We talk a lot about boundaries, and the best definition I've heard of boundaries is that they're not meant to keep others out, they're meant to keep me in my yard. How do you see boundaries being important in your relationship with your brother?

 I want the healing that can come with confrontation and I am proud to say that I've gotten good at it in the majority of my relationships.  But the depth of this fills me with dread.

What do you dread?