Need Encouragement Please

[Sylfine]

Hi Everyone!  Long time no post.  I am in need of some encouragement please.

Ok, some backstory...my husband and I are at high risk for the virus (my FOO doesn't see that even though I have told them).   uBPDM had a massive blowup last year when I said we weren't seeing anyone until there was a vaccine (this is what made me look into her mental state and discover BPD).  Things have calmed down as I've learned about it and have been figuring out how to handle the her.

Now that my uBPDM is vaccinated, she is putting pressure on me to see them.  She only cares that she is protected - d*mn everyone else (she literally said this).  I've made it clear from the beginning that we are not seeing anyone until we are fully vaccinated, but she doesn't care.  She announced that she is coming down this weekend to pick up her dog from me.  I stuttered and she then said that I could just put the dog and her things in the yard and she would get them from there - so yay boundary (sort of).  But the past few calls with my dad have been filled with pressure to see her.  My husband doesn't trust her to adhere to our requests (masks on, 20 feet away) so he doesn't think I should be outside with her at all (especially because I'm still new to standing up to her manipulations - he thinks it's playing with fire).  I think she would but H has good reason to not trust her.  I just don't see the point in risking our health just to see someone outside, so far away, with masks on, especially when we're so close to being vaccinated (I have an appointment in 2 weeks!) and can then see each other with no masks and HUG!  I have given my parents the exact date that I will be considered fully vaccinated and will be traveling to see them, but they're still pressuring me.  Oh, and it's not like we haven't seen them at all - we FaceTime and Echo several times each week!

Sorry for the long post.  I just needed to vent to others who understand, and hopefully get some encouragement for this weekend.  Anyone else in a similar situation?  Thanks for reading.

[sklamath]

Hi, Sylfine! I can definitely relate, as the pandemic has externalized some of the heavy lifting of boundaries (in some ways, for some of us). And now it's about to become or return to something that is about personal boundaries--and it's reasonable to expect that our BPD loved ones are going to feel the personal nature of that, and push back against it.

You are so close to being vaccinated--woohoo! You are entirely within your rights to expect whatever social distancing measures you feel are appropriate for you. And it sounds like you've been really clear and consistent in stating that you are no contact until YOU (not just her) are vaccinated.

Some questions you might think about:

• If the pandemic wasn't a factor, what would you want your relationship and boundaries with your parents to look like?
• What do you want your first in-person contact to look like?
• Could being flexible on the boundary of no in-person contact until you are vaccinated have consequences for the longer-term relationship and whether future boundaries will be respected?
• Are there any "silver linings" of the pandemic restrictions that you might want to carry forward after you are vaccinated?

 

[GaGrl]

If you can reflect to CDC guidelines for vaccinated persons at risk, that might buy you a bit more time.

[Sylfine]

Hi, Sylfine! I can definitely relate, as the pandemic has externalized some of the heavy lifting of boundaries (in some ways, for some of us). And now it's about to become or return to something that is about personal boundaries--and it's reasonable to expect that our BPD loved ones are going to feel the personal nature of that, and push back against it.

You are so close to being vaccinated--woohoo! You are entirely within your rights to expect whatever social distancing measures you feel are appropriate for you. And it sounds like you've been really clear and consistent in stating that you are no contact until YOU (not just her) are vaccinated.

Some questions you might think about:

• If the pandemic wasn't a factor, what would you want your relationship and boundaries with your parents to look like?
• What do you want your first in-person contact to look like?
• Could being flexible on the boundary of no in-person contact until you are vaccinated have consequences for the longer-term relationship and whether future boundaries will be respected?
• Are there any "silver linings" of the pandemic restrictions that you might want to carry forward after you are vaccinated?

 

These are excellent questions!  I've been thinking about things like this a lot lately.  I have a call with my counselor today and will talk with her about this.  Thank you!

[Sylfine]

If you can reflect to CDC guidelines for vaccinated persons at risk, that might buy you a bit more time.

Thank you.  I wish.  She doesn't believe that we are high risk, and she doesn't read the CDC guidelines completely.  She hears what she wants to hear and twists things around to suit what she believes.  For this weekend, we are changing the front lock and locking ourselves inside.  I offered to see her through our sliding glass door but she says there is no point so I am just going to put the dog outside and go upstairs.  Things have to be on her terms or nothing.  I think that's why she's insisting on getting the dog this weekend instead of waiting for me to be vaccinated and bring her up - it's her terms.

[madeline7]

I have had a lifetime of bending to my uBPDm wishes, and for me the risk of covid has allowed me to maintain my boundaries. Of course in my case my uBPDm is in a care facility, but I have been very strict with stating safe and  staying home. The interesting thing for me is that I have narrowed my friendship bubble to those that respect my adherence to extreme cautiousness.  I too, will be getting my vaccination soon, and when restrictions lift, I will no longer see the people who were my friends who criticized what they saw as someone living in fear. The big question will be how I handle resuming my visits with my Mom. I will make a concerted effort to maintain these healthy boundaries, although I know it is a slippery slope. Please remember that your health is the most important thing, physical as well as emotional. I told my Mom and close friends that my Dr. recommended me staying home due to my recent medical history. End of explanation.
Those that respect this are those that care about me. And I also feel like I should be getting medical advice from my Doctor, and not a friend or family member that did not go to Medical School. So glad you will be vaccinated soon!

[Sylfine]

I have had a lifetime of bending to my uBPDm wishes, and for me the risk of covid has allowed me to maintain my boundaries. Of course in my case my uBPDm is in a care facility, but I have been very strict with stating safe and  staying home. The interesting thing for me is that I have narrowed my friendship bubble to those that respect my adherence to extreme cautiousness.  I too, will be getting my vaccination soon, and when restrictions lift, I will no longer see the people who were my friends who criticized what they saw as someone living in fear. The big question will be how I handle resuming my visits with my Mom. I will make a concerted effort to maintain these healthy boundaries, although I know it is a slippery slope. Please remember that your health is the most important thing, physical as well as emotional. I told my Mom and close friends that my Dr. recommended me staying home due to my recent medical history. End of explanation.
Those that respect this are those that care about me. And I also feel like I should be getting medical advice from my Doctor, and not a friend or family member that did not go to Medical School. So glad you will be vaccinated soon!

Oh madeline7!  I feel we could talk...I'm in such the same boat with friends as well.  I've definitely "lost" a few due to this.  And congrats to you on getting vaxxed soon!

[Methuen]

So it sounds like she’s being unreasonable, demanding, and self serving.  No surprises there.

Here’s a random idea.  Could your H have the dog in the car...meet her car in a park (parking lot), MIL opens her window to call the dog, H opens car door for dog to hop out into MILs car, and everybody  goes home?

This makes it about the dog, but gives you (or the driver H) control.

[Methuen]

So it sounds like she’s being unreasonable, and manipulative.

Here’s a random idea.  Could your H have the dog in the car...meet her car in a park (parking lot), MIL opens her window to call the dog, H opens car door for dog to hop out into MILs car, and everybody  goes home?

This doggie exchange on neutral ground, makes it about the dog, but gives you (or the driver H) control.

[Sylfine]

Methuen!  You are wise as always   That is an excellent idea.  Unfortunately, the ONLY reason it wouldn't work is because the dog is not well trained enough to not run away.  Dang it...

I spoke with my counselor yesterday and she suggested that we continue with the dog in the yard idea, but that my husband and I be at the sliding glass door since that was my idea.  It would be a united front to show that we are a family and can make our own decisions.  If she loses it on the other side, that's her problem.  I need to get used to her being upset and not swooping in to fix it by caving to her demands.  My counselor wants me to have a confrontation conversation (a come-to-Jesus convo) within the next couple of months.  I can't fix or change my mother but I can take control of my own life.  I shouldn't be having a panic attack over the thought of saying no to her.

[madeline7]

This brings up the topic of "extinction burst". I can't explain the term, but please look it up or if someone sees this post, they can describe this behavioral phenomenon. It may prepare you for what may happen when you set those boundaries. For me, an extinction burst never happened with my Mom, she was very old and deeply entrenched in her behaviors and continued to have at least 1 or 2 children enabling, but the behaviors have changed and subsided a bit from being isolated due to covid and moving to a care facility.

[pursuingJoy]

Sylfine, you're doing great. It helps me to remind myself that I don't have to spend emotional energy on resisting. I hold the line not just because it upholds my values, but because the line itself is worth holding. By sustaining your boundary and sending a clear message, you're doing the most compassionate thing for your mom. My older two set a boundary with me this week - it was hard, but I will respect what they want. More than that, I'm proud of them for setting a boundary and I can tell them that. That's the response, love and respect you deserve. I'm sorry she isn't able to offer that, but please know that we're all behind you in her stead. This is one more thing you can consider handled, and handled well. I hope you feel our support. We're pulling for you! 

pj

[Methuen]

That is an excellent idea.  Unfortunately, the ONLY reason it wouldn't work is because the dog is not well trained enough to not run away.

Not surprising that the dog doesn't listen!  How about tying the leashed dog to a tree in the park, to be untied by mom (Covid protocol).

I spoke with my counselor yesterday and she suggested that we continue with the dog in the yard idea, but that my husband and I be at the sliding glass door since that was my idea.  It would be a united front to show that we are a family and can make our own decisions.  If she loses it on the other side, that's her problem.  I need to get used to her being upset and not swooping in to fix it by caving to her demands.  My counselor wants me to have a confrontation conversation (a come-to-Jesus convo) within the next couple of months.  I can't fix or change my mother but I can take control of my own life.  I shouldn't be having a panic attack over the thought of saying no to her.

 This has a lot of pluses.  The pitfall is the risk of what could go wrong.  On the other hand, we can't be making decisions based on what could go wrong (i.e. fear) so your T sounds like she's really on your side and onto a great plan.  Perhaps everything will go smoothly with the dog exchange, and the worry will have been for nothing! The key is to know what your boundaries are in advance, and not break your own boundaries in the moment.  Be prepared for her to ask to use your bathroom...

The good thing about this plan is that you get to practice managing difficult situations with her, instead of avoiding them.

I like the highlighted part.  This is something I feel like I've been working on for quite a long time.  When we've been "trained" to feel their feelings for them, and do whatever needs to be done to make them feel better, its hard to unlearn these things, and get used to them being upset, as you put it. This used to torment me, and probably still does, but my H tells me I've made progress.  It's a process though to unlearn the conditioning we've had.  

[Sylfine]

Apologies for not responding to everyone individually!  Thank you all for the words of encouragement and wonderful advice   This group is truly the best.  I survived the interaction (what little there was).  She brought her BFF with her so there's no way she'd cause a scene.  She was awkward and avoided saying hi to me but I guess that's better than blowing up.  Of course, now we wait for the blow up.  She does this - she'll hold it all in until some random time then unleash when I'm not expecting it.  But I'm getting better at understanding this and since I know it could happen at any time, I'm not as worried.  Thank you all again 

[pursuingJoy]

Of course, now we wait for the blow up.

Yeah, we get this.

Her response aside, this was the best option available to all of you. You planned, communicated and executed it well.  Great job.

[Methuen]

So glad it went well!