Feeling the loss - How do you feel justified?

[Onyx22]

I'm feeling emotional today and just wanted to put this out there. I'm just typing out some thoughts on my phone, so it might not be the clearest.

I went NC with my uBPD Mother about 4 months ago.
I accepted that this meant the loss of many possessions and money. Unfortunately due to the poor timing, it meant thousands of dollars for me. I feel ok about that because my mental health is more important.

One of the possessions I lost was my dirt bike. We had planned to switch the title over when the registration expired this winter, which obviously didn't happen. So, this bike I've had for a long time is legally hers. And turns out is a lot harder to replace than I thought (I'm too short for most comparable bikes).
I thought I was ok with losing that. But I started getting new gear today and it broke my heart. It was the first time I was buying stuff that I "already had" (to replace what she has).
My mom talked in one of her letters to me about paying me back some of the money I gave her. Knowing her, I do believe she intends to do that. Which gives me doubts that I should be so rigid in giving up on getting the bike back.
But, the only mention of my bike was in one of her early texts where she said I'd have to buy it back from her, later "retracted" by claiming she was drunk. I try to remind myself of this, because otherwise I feel sad about replacing it when it's right there.
I had wanted to negotiate getting my bike back, but my therapist recommended against that since it would have to be in my mother's terms. She compared it to my accepting the loss of money, how much is my mental health worth? What is worth giving her back control?

Then I wonder if I'm exaggerating things. Was it all really that bad? Most of the time we could be happy. I know she's hurting.

I don't think I'd be comfortable negotiating to get my bike back, but it's just to sad to be looking at getting one. My therapist suggested to think of it as an upgrade, but I can't see any of them as better.

I could just go back to the way things were, happy with intermittent control and abuse. Subtle enough that I just believe that "it's just a bad day"...  But then, it only happens once or twice a year? Except for those little things, which are nothing sometimes...
Compared to a lot I've read, I didn't have it that bad. Putting together the large blowups can make it look pretty bad, but still not the same level.
My therapist explains it as my mom's a 10.1, and what I'm reading about is a 10.9. But she's still a 10.

Mostly I'm just having a hard time feeling justified in nc right now. I just feel like the bad guy.

[kiwigal]

Just wanted to validate your loss.
I think the hardest part about the grief with BPD and Narcs is how disenfranchised it feels ... like we shouldn’t feel this way, but we do. And it’s very real!

I’m hearing that it’s not just a dirt bike, to you it represented dreams and a part of your hard work? Perhaps even a sense of futility in having to replace something that was fine? So valid. You sound so resilient and hard working!

Can I ask... How did you find the courage to go no contact? What was it that helped you do that?

[SepiaScarf]

Onyxx,
     

I could just go back to the way things were, happy with intermittent control and abuse. Subtle enough that I just believe that "it's just a bad day"...  But then, it only happens once or twice a year? Except for those little things, which are nothing sometimes...
Compared to a lot I've read, I didn't have it that bad. Putting together the large blowups can make it look pretty bad, but still not the same level.
My therapist explains it as my mom's a 10.1, and what I'm reading about is a 10.9. But she's still a 10.

I feel this so much, I was NC for almost 8 months and would consider myself LC currently. I restless with the was it really that bad at least once every two weeks. It was not all terrible, I do have happy moments and time she stepped up in my life. I also have heavy moments that viscously hurt. I have to remind myself that every time..EVERY TIME I let her back in it always ends the same.

NC has never been a permanent solution for me and I think that helped me get through it, viewing it like a tool to heal at this moment. I know some people it does become permanent and I hope I never get there.

SS

[Methuen]

Hi Onyx,

It's OK to be feeling emotional.  The bike is a loss which is tied to a complicated BPD mom.  We all have days like that.  I get that the bike is hard to replace - I too am short and haven't had any luck buying a crossover bike for someone my height - everyone recommends a child's bike.  It can be a real challenge.

So to clarify, the bike has always been used by you, and it's thought of as your bike by both of you (?), but it's legally hers, because it's in her name.  I'm just curious, did she ever use the bike, or were you the only user?  If you were the only user, how did it get in her name?   Did you pay for the bike, or did she?

What is the chance she would give it to you with no strings attached?

Reading between the lines, it kind of sounds like you really really want the bike because it fit you, and because you really love the bike.  But because of the history, and abuse, and the splitting, you are NC.  So because you really want the bike, you are doubting yourself, and asking if it was really "that bad".  Sigh.  

I just feel like the bad guy.

That sounds like it could be your mom's voice making you feel that.  Remember the reasons you are NC... and that BPD's always find ways to make us feel bad because they can't accept any responsibility.

My therapist explains it as my mom's a 10.1, and what I'm reading about is a 10.9. But she's still a 10.

This sounds like really good advice.  It also sounds like your therapist has your back.

At the end of the day, as much as you enjoyed your bike, it's a bike.  Bike's are replaceable (even for short people like us).  Even with the extra challenge of finding the right replacement, it might be the easier road to travel in the long run.  It's tempting to think about breaking your own boundaries of contact, in hopes of getting this bike back, but your T is encouraging you to move on to a new bike for a reason.  Maybe it's just hard to "let go"?  But I bet if you found a new bike, it would be exciting to ride it, and you would have solved the problem and moved on. That sounds like independence and autonomy, instead of "negotiating" with her which kinds of sounds like staying stuck. 

[Onyx22]

Thank you for the replies! Feeling heard and understood means a lot

@kikigal
It kinda started when I began dating my boyfriend. He immediately saw the dysfunction of my mom controlling me (one of his first experiences with her was her yelling at me over the phone). He, having boundaries :P, didn't want to spend much time around her. I struggled with this, thinking that he "just hadn't seen her good side yet". This prompted discussions with my therapist, who noticed the lack of boundaries I had with my mother.
And in setting a boundary she blew up enough that I could finally see that it wasn't ok. It was suddenly obvious after seeing how I could live without that with my boyfriend.

Originally, I thought it would be more short term, but seeing her reactions to my NC it's like the books I'm reading are about her. I realized that I need a larger chunk of time to be ready to enforce boundaries for myself.

@SepiaScarf
That feeling has been coming and going for me as well, I always think I can get over it or prove to myself (or others -particularly my siblings) that I'm not imagining things.
I hope to reopen contact someday and have a healthy relationship with her, and I get some relief when I think that it doesn't have to be permanent.



@Methuen
I got recommended some child dirt bikes along the way, that's funny that happens there too XD
I'm the only one that used the bike. She gave it to me ~10 years ago and I was a kid so it was always under her name. It was gifted to me with the understanding that it was mine.
Dirt biking is something my family does together, so we all had bikes - same understanding for my siblings.
I don't think she would give it to me without some sort of required sit-down conversation or promise of meeting.

Thank you for this:

That sounds like it could be your mom's voice making you feel that.  Remember the reasons you are NC... and that BPD's always find ways to make us feel bad because they can't accept any responsibility.

I'm going to put this in my notes of things to remember:

That sounds like independence and autonomy, instead of "negotiating" with her which kinds of sounds like staying stuck.

I've been just thinking to myself "You don't have a bike" over and over and that's helped. I've realized that I love that bike, but it isn't mine and that's not something I have control over.
I spent most of my free time recently researching bikes and pounced at one that came in stock, so I brought home a dirt bike for myself today It feels fast, but right height and power so I went for it :D
I know I'll get some weird feelings when my family finds out (knowing that it'll get back to my mother). I haven't told any of them that I was getting gear or anything.

Thank you for the encouragement :D

[Methuen]

Today sounds like it was a better day!   

I've noticed in myself, that when I have a truly terrible day (or week or longer), I can look back on it later and see that those times revolve 100% around my mom's dysregulation, or my fear of her, but that "this too shall pass". 

I spent most of my free time recently researching bikes and pounced at one that came in stock, so I brought home a dirt bike for myself today

Look at you!  You solved the problem and moved on.  She's probably going to struggle with this, when she finds out.  Can you think of what you could say to keep the conversation neutral, when you let the family find out you got a new bike?  Can you make it about the bike, and not about her?

Congratulations, and enjoy your new bike!

[UntiedShoes]

Hi there, this was a very deep post and I thank you for writing this. I have a few thoughts to share if this is ok .I am not NC with my mother so please take this as a myopic and possibly mostly incorrect response at best. Grain of salt.

One of the things you said that I found poignant was your neutrality towards your therapist's suggestion that getting a new bike would be an upgrade. I can feel that and see why it may be possible to feel this apathy towards that route. It seems to me (and keep in mind only you know you, so I am sure I am mostly wrong as I am going off of one piece of writing)

that it may not completely about the bike although the bike is truly important and a piece of you. This may also be part of going NC, (may be wrong so feel free to skip if I am)  Going NC is difficult and the bike is one of the objects that is still maintaining the semblance of connection between you two. It may represent the hope that she has some good days...and you can see that via her response in the possibility she may show her good side and return the bike or the possibility of experiencing your mother when she says she will make you pay for your bike...or "drunk" as she called it.
The bike is just a window to exchange with her even if it is just a small or impersonal one, as NC is very difficult. (I am not NC, so I attest to this and may be projecting)

It may be that your therapist is trying to assist you in utilizing the bike as the object to help you release the aspects of this that keep you in a sacrificial position. You don't actually give up power to your mom, but the way the illusion works when you perceive someone usurping power over your mental capacities is that they use physical/financial objects and punishments that make even the craziest thing, a reality.

The ability to let go of the object that represents her ability to make you feel helpless etc...can help you see that you are strong and capable of surpassing the perceived loss. Qualities you already had without the bike but it was too hard to digest in an abusive environment. The loss is the catalyst to you becoming mentally strong enough to decide to re-open exchange or remain NC of your own accord and not due to guilt or obligation.

Actually you are not losing your mom or losing your bike. Our brain is better at absorbing ethical/moral/abstract concepts via the senses so using your bike is more of a metaphor for releasing yourself from your mother because it is another exchange shackle is removed.

However the loss is absolutely real and if you want to attach this metaphor to something else you can. The bike is just the one you mentioned.

I have an example a friend told me once, and I may be butchering this and it may be stupid and nonsensical but here it is if it is of any help to you at all:

Lets say  you have a best friend of 20 years...you guys grew up together and yeah the guy is a jerk occasionally but he opened up a new cafe and invites you. You're in his crowded cafe and people are yelling all over...and the waiters and waitresses are banging pots an pans and screaming in your ear like drill sergeants to hurry up and order.
You don't really like it there, but your best friend owns the place and you don't want to seem insensitive. You'll probably feel too afraid to sit down and read your menu while you're being yelled at, or really think about what you want or even know what you want... you start going cross eyed and feel like you can't read...so you'll just  order the first thing in your head and hope something will make them stop. You may even leave that cafe thinking you maybe don't know how to read menus well or maybe you don't think fast enough or you're defective in some way. Because you couldn't just...do this simple task. Even your friend says you're being dramatic and everything was fine, maybe you shouldn't be so sensitive...

Then one day you get tired of appeasing your friend and just decide "hey I'm going to another cafe" ...so in this new place it's a similar menu, it is quiet and the staff are nice. You feel bad about your friend and know he'll kind of think you're a jerk for leaving his cafe for a new one...but when you're there you realize you really can read the menu and you were not making a big deal about the noise before etc... You find other people who also say "man that other cafe is nuts" but you don't "hate" your friend and you also forgot your scarf in your friend's cafe. it was less about you being defective at reading, sensitive, or any of that and more about...your need or ability to tolerate that environment.

is it necessary to get your scarf? Do you feel the scarf could be at least a talking point with your friend who likes opening abusive loud cafes? Maybe first you need to purchase a sound proof helmet, or a magnifying glass -  for if you ever do decide to briefly hang out with your friend at the cafe ...you may need some equipment:

the sound proof helmet = Your psychological strength, where you've exercised your personal value muscles enough that if you're yelled at or experience abuse, you won't absorb it, and still be able to read your menu and make a choice for yourself in a way that really respects your values/tastes.

magnifying glass = see the abuse for what it is - a bunch of a attempts to hide something else. The loud cafe and pots and pans may be hiding some really awful music... For BPD's they may be abusing to compensate for a bad tape in their head telling them they aren't worthy so nothing is worthy. yet if they yell and scream and abuse - you won't hear it because they look powerful.

The bike = is the scarf - it represents exposure to the environment which is why your therapist asked you if you could upgrade (go to another cafe). Possibly, your therapist wants you to experience your qualities without interruptions, gain more equipment to handle the environment first before you address the bike... even though those qualities are already in you and it is not actually about objects.

Anyway I may have rambled on and on so I will stop now but I think it is normal for you to feel loss about the bike, confused and conflicted over NC, and wanting to understand your therapists stance but feeling neutral about it. There are many ways to look at this so try to find what creates logic and peace for you.

[Onyx22]

I'm glad you made that point because it had me thinking about how I've been approaching things.

I'm not sure how paranoid I've been about things, I've been afraid she'll find out what my new gear looks like and recognize me out riding. (Though even without that my vehicle will probably give me away anyway.) I've thought about talking to my family about not sharing photos of me.
With my dad (first family member who will see my stuff), he doesn't know anything about the situation (parents hate each other, no need to feed the flames when they don't interact anyway). He's doesn't know what my original stuff was like (mom hated me spending time with him), so he wouldn't think much of it.
I think what would happen is my siblings would hear that I rode with him, then question how since I don't have my old stuff.

Getting ahead of that could help. I was thinking of framing it more as a "I got this cool bike, it's got more power ... " Talking about it as an upgrade and neat thing I got, instead of bringing up why I got it now.
I'm pretty sure it'll immediately come with questions about my mom and why I didn't ask her for my bike back. I've tried explaining my perspective to them, but they're in the boat of "it's not that bad, you can manage it." So I was thinking I'd have to turn to the broken record method, as explaining myself would be walking in circles and focusing on my mom. Something like "It's a really cool bike, I'm excited to ride it."

What I'm afraid might happen is running into her when out riding. I plan to go on days when she'd be working, and parking in or going to different places. Realistically there's not much she can do and I don't even know if she'll ride this year. No one in my family knows where I live, so she'd have to learn through my siblings from my dad when/where we'd ride.

I know my siblings will bring her up when they find out, I think it's best for me to just not try to explain so we can't get into it. Not sure how it'll come off.
My mind keeps going back to not wanting to be recognized if she shows up where I am. I'm the kind of person who expects the worst scenario, even though logically it's very unlikely.

--Note--
I saw your reply UntiedShoes after I typed this, thank you! I'll respond later today, when I have some more time

[sklamath]

Happy new bike day to you, Onyx22!

I think what would happen is my siblings would hear that I rode with him, then question how since I don't have my old stuff.

Getting ahead of that could help. I was thinking of framing it more as a "I got this cool bike, it's got more power ... " Talking about it as an upgrade and neat thing I got, instead of bringing up why I got it now.
I'm pretty sure it'll immediately come with questions about my mom and why I didn't ask her for my bike back. I've tried explaining my perspective to them, but they're in the boat of "it's not that bad, you can manage it." So I was thinking I'd have to turn to the broken record method, as explaining myself would be walking in circles and focusing on my mom. Something like "It's a really cool bike, I'm excited to ride it."

I think this is a very good strategy and talking point, and it's worth it to just keep practice saying it to yourself. Keep it light and playful. What about the old bike? It's about the new bike! I also think it may be important to believe this yourself. You are allowed to be excited about a new bike! You researched and chose it yourself, which was a cool thing to get to do for the first time. And no one is allowed to steal your thunder regarding the bike, or your newfound independence. 


You've probably heard "don't JADE" (justify, argue, defend, or explain) when it comes to a BPD loved one and those in their orbit. It can be hard to break out of that dynamic if it's been the norm, but you do not owe anyone answers regarding your mom, and you are not obligated to share or process your feelings about her with your siblings. The minute you start, the harder it will be to shut it down. Keep the tone light, keep it about the bike. If they keep asking, remind yourself that they are ones who are being awkward and ignoring social cues. Smile, look at them like they are speaking a language you don't understand, shrug, and say, "Anyway, super excited about my new toy, hooray! Gotta go finish my ride/get home, see ya!"

[Onyx22]

@UntiedShoes
I hear myself in you with the disclaimer Your response was spot on in many of the ways I feel. Thank you :D

I get emotionally attached to objects easily (sounds weird, I know), so the idea of disliking my old bike in any way (or replacing it) is difficult. Along with that, dirt biking was something I did mostly with my mother so it represented a lot of the good times we spent together.
Mostly I think this has been difficult because it makes things more permanent. Realizing that I'm fully committed to NC for an extended period of time. I've even thought far enough that I don't think I'll be ready to have her at my own wedding. But thinking about it and actually going out and doing something are very different it turns out XD

The loss is the catalyst to you becoming mentally strong enough to decide to re-open exchange or remain NC of your own accord and not due to guilt or obligation.

Having a choice in my life is the main reason I went NC. I like how you worded this, it's a good way to think about the future for me.

so using your bike is more of a metaphor for releasing yourself from your mother because it is another exchange shackle is removed.

Thinking about the new bike this way has been very relieving.

The cafe analogy is a good way to put things, I think it explains well how my NC time is beneficial (in that it lets me become stronger mentally to protect myself), which has been difficult to put into words.


@sklamath

And no one is allowed to steal your thunder regarding the bike, or your newfound independence.

Not JADEing is something I'm slowly working on, I instinctively want to do it with everything!
I think I'll practice the conversation with my boyfriend a bit. And really cling to the broken record strategy (silence might be another path, but tends to be more awkward).

Thank you for the advice, I'm going to add some of the quotes to my notes of things to remind myself of. I struggle with thinking that if I don't explain myself then I'm being 'secretive' or something, which isn't the case.