My oldest brother was diagnosed with BPD many years ago, though does not have any insight into his illness. The aggression, lability, legal and financial turmoil, emotional control, and comorbid substance use issues caused so much distress in our household that my other brother and I had to set firm boundaries with this sibling in order to protect our own mental health and now have only a superficial relationship with him.
Unfortunately, we have always had a disagreement with our father about how to approach caring for our sibling. Our father has always believed he needed nurture, financial and rapid emotional support to the point where he has become enmeshed in our brother's rapidly changing mood and perceived needs, and has previously been upset with us for maintaining distance. He has completely sacrificed his own well-being over the years. He is always there to respond to our brother's crises through phone, by text or in person, and to resort to financial or legal means to bail him out of situations. He has always been distracted by these frequent needs and has never developed his own hobbies or interests, and it has interfered with other relationships for example with our mother who feels she has always been a low priority. Our father is vicariously always himself in crisis mode, though does not actually tell anyone about this due to stigma and has always declined help, advice, guidance either professionally or non-professionally. He had a major heart attack several years ago when things really escalated with my brother, and has always made his own health low priority. Over the years, he has helped employ my brother in his own company even though this became catastrophic in the end and led to my dad retiring sooner than he anticipated. Of most pressing concern, he has also sacrificed his and my mother's financial well-being to support my brother.
My brother has always had heavy spending habits, difficulty keeping jobs (has not been employed now for about 4 or 5 years), and a sense of entitlement toward my father's money. He has always stated that it is the "least [my father] could do" for having "called the police on me" or x, y, or z reason. He blames his criminal record (though this is usually inflated) for an inability to get a job, though only seeks jobs that require advanced training or experience he does not have. He also has a fixed belief that my father sold gold that was given to him as a baby to pay for my other brother and my education (also untrue). More recently after leading my dad to retire early due to his behaviors in the office, he moved to another state to pursue screen writing, got married, and now collectively with his spouse spends unimaginable amounts of money (at times upwards of $30,000-$50,000/mo). He convinced my father to pay for his education, though now months after graduating continues to have many external excuses for not having a job (some absolutely and understandably true due to the pandemic, others not so much). My father is a co-signer on his leased apartment and has also helped pay for utilities, leased vehicles, etc. Even despite the massive financial support, my brother has tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt.
Which brings me to current issue I am really struggling with. My father, now 73, has always believed he was doing the right thing and that by supporting my brother emotionally and financially and paying for his education he would "change" and become independent and no longer need support. However, 3 years after retiring he is almost out of his 401k and will be left with social security for my mother (who is only in her mid 60s) and him. Meanwhile that will leave my brother with an abrupt cessation of money and no ability to financially support himself. It has now finally dawned on my father that his approach did not work and he worries that there is no light at the end of the tunnel and is showing signs of depression himself due to this. While my father does finally seem receptive to guidance on how to change his behaviors in taking care of my brother, I think after over 30 years of their enmeshed relationship he will still struggle with a solution that would require my brother to face any hardship. I feel devastatingly helpless and am not sure how best to guide my father. Ultimately I know he needs to set boundaries, that things would ideally be done slowly, but due to depletion of his funds, am worried it will keep going on until it happens abruptly in the near future. When my father tell's my brother he does not have money to support him anymore, my brother verbalizes understanding, but then asks for more money within days and does receive that money much of the time, which I believe is sending a confusing message. I have tried to address financial concerns directly with my brother before, though this ultimately led to his displacing blame on me or supporting delusional beliefs he has developed about me.
How can I help support or guide my father who seems like the only person who could change the trajectory with my brother? I am open to any suggestions! Thank you!
