Looking for support: Mother w/ BPD

[onthedunes]

Hi all,

I am new to this site and am looking to build community and a network of support with people who, like me, are struggling to cope with loved ones suffering from BPD.

My mother, who exhibits almost all signs of BPD, is not diagnosed with the disorder nor does she identify with it in any way. She is however depressed, knows she is, and is suicidal, at least ideations-wise. Strangely she doesn't relate the suicidal ideations with the depression. She thinks that suicide is a logical next step because she has not saved for retirement and because I draw boundaries about my time with her, she doesn't trust that I will give her the no-holds-barred support she wants for her lifestyle when she retires.

Anyway. Just wanted to say hi.

[zachira]

Welcome to this group, while sad for the circumstances that bring you here. Many of us who post in this group have mothers with BPD and can validate the challenges with having a mother with BPD. My mother with BPD died two years ago, and it was agonizing setting boundaries with her while dealing with her anxiety, depression, and out of nowhere temper tantrums. I imagine that like many of us, you may be challenged in separating your feelings from your mother's, not taking on the anger and depression she projects on you. My mother was not suicidal as far as I know, though there are other members who do understand what this is like. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Methuen]

Welcome onthedunes

So glad you found us.  Like you, my mom is undiagnosed.  She's 85, frail, uBPD, uPDA, anxiety disorder, shows all the signs of PTSD (undiagnosed), and lives independently.  She has a laundry list of health issues including heart, stroke, macular degeneration, hearing loss, Parkinson's, is a huge "fall" risk (she's had 3 falls with broken bones in almost as many years)...  She's a complicated geriatric, and I'm guessing her family Dr has to steel himself when he sees her name on the chart before entering the examining room where she is waiting.  She wanted to live with us, but that was a boundary we set many years ago long before we knew of the BPD.  She qualifies for assisted living but refuses it.  She is not suicidal, although she is on an antidepressant, and has talked about throwing herself off the bridge about 12 years ago.  She's irrational, and impossible.  I am an only child living about 6 minutes away from her.  I love her (although its a complicated love), but have had to learn a lot of new tools to manage my own mental health, because of her.  There are a ton of really helpful resources on this site.  Having a BPD parent can be really rough.  I'm glad you found us.  My ability to cope has improved since I found this site.  It can get better.  It's a process.  Having a community that "gets it" is so helpful.

...and because I draw boundaries about my time with her, she doesn't trust that I will give her the no-holds-barred support she wants for her lifestyle when she retires.

Keep holding those boundaries.  You are doing the right thing.  

How old is your mom?  Does she live alone?  Do you have siblings?  Does she have other family (siblings of her own)? Is she on medication for depression, or seeing a Dr?  Sorry to pepper you with questions.  Tell us more of your story when you are ready.