Exhaustion from damaging behaviors she doesn’t seem to be aware of

[Brock]

Hello,

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for slightly more than a year and, as the relationship grew more serious, I have been questioning the appropriateness her behaviour and her reactions. After having done substantial research and linked my own experience to others, I suspect my significant other might be suffering from BPD. During these past months, our relationship has been feeling like an extremely stressing rollercoaster which has been taking an unprecedented toll on my mental health and made me reconsider my involvement in it, as I already struggle with depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, I feel like this relationship has taken the best of me despite continuous efforts from both parties. I feel like I have given my heart and soul and it has never been enough. Today, I have grown resentful from exhaustion and from damaging behaviours my partner doesn’t seem to be aware of and that I cannot address without creating a storm and be accused of excessive blaming, among other things. I usually must get a grip for both of us, which I don’t feel capable of doing anymore. These days, I can’t recognise myself when I talk with her: I am losing my tact, patience, temper, trust and respect in ways that have damaged her and our relationship at times. Despite her having started therapy two months ago, the current situation feels like a deeper mess than I can fix. I love her so much, I wish to support her and for both of us to build a healthy relationship, but I don’t feel like I have the means nor the tools to continue stabilising heated arguments, protect myself from her behaviour and put strict boundaries without being met with a blacklash. I feel quite lonely, misunderstood, confused and desperate, and I am here to find a way to get myself back and take all the advice possible to make things right for both of us.

I am looking forward learning more with your help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Sadly, as these relationships progress, the honeymoon phase becomes less evident over time.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Statistically a very high percentage of our members suffer from depression. And it’s not surprising if we are not getting our needs met in a healthy relationship.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

Many of us here are codependents or caretakers and we entered into these relationships with high hopes and thoughts that love could heal childhood wounds.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Unfortunately, personality disorders are lifelong issues and the chance that our partner will be “healed” without intensive therapy is nil. Even with therapy, unless they are fully committed, not much will change. If they do seek change and participate in DBT, they can often find much relief. The problem is that BPD is a shame based disorder and having to confront that in therapy can be more than they’re willing to bear.

That said, as a partner of a person with BPD (pwBPD), there’s a lot that we can do to minimize the ill effects of the disorder on both ourselves and our partners. Here are some communication strategies that can turn down the heat:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Unfortunately the toll falls upon you to be the emotional leader in the relationship. Considering how overwhelmed you currently feel, this seems patently unfair. However, learning some of these tools and implementing them will conserve energy in the long run, as discussions won’t go so easily off the rails, and you’ll be able to redirect things when you see storm clouds on the horizon.