trying to untangle from my BPD girlfriend

[rnasnzman]

I left on January 28 after she went 0-100 on something so innocuous it's laughable: insurance. I was just texting about adding her to my plan, and she said "I need to get out of this mess." It devolved from there.

I've been living in this up and down for over 4 years. We bought a house together. I thought we were moving toward marriage and the house was a good idea. I was wrong.

I have been living in this darkness so long that I was beginning to think I'm crazy. I am heartbroken, and I'm also a rescuer, so I have been going back and forth in my mind about whether or not to go back. So far, I've resisted, and I know it's the right decision.

Whenever I think that I should go back and try to reconcile and help her, I go back to this site and re-read the articles that describe EXACTLY what I'm going through. It's over. It has to be.

She's threatening all kinds of things these days, and then alternates to kindness. I'm just trying to move on with my life with the least damage possible -- to me and to her.

I need her cooperation to do that. I need my equity from the house to start over. She says she'll write me a check, then says she's going to sell the house and I'll get less. We also have a business together that we'll have to untangle. She wants me to get nothing from that.

I'm in a purgatory of sorts. I put an offer on a condo and it was accepted, so now I have high anxiety about getting the deal done.

It is very hard to function day to day. I own a marketing firm, and I HAVE to perform at a very high level.

Just started therapy. I've been in therapy before, so I know it will be helpful.

Thank you for listening.

[cash05458]

Hey...welcome! To me, it sounds like you have your head together on this...you are aware of the dynamic...and aware of yourself and the rescue tendencies...override them...I would add to forget about closure...closure usually won't come...that's ok...just deal with the wound and yourself...it's the only realistic thing...

But it sounds to me that you are on the right path...well ahead of the game...good luck!

[grumpydonut]

Hey mate, you sound like you're well-and-truly switched on.

Have you considered a lawyer to ensure she can't take what's yours? Don't treat her like a friend, treat her like a dodgy business partner.

[GaGrl]

Just because you weren't married doesn't mean you don't need a lawyer under "domestic relationship" status. You have personal and business issues to resolve -- a lawyer can guide you.

[rnasnzman]

I appreciate your support, everyone.
And of course, you're right about the attorney.

[once removed]

I left on January 28 after she went 0-100 on something so innocuous it's laughable: insurance. I was just texting about adding her to my plan, and she said "I need to get out of this mess." It devolved from there.

for sure. but if i had to guess, it didnt start there.

do you want to tell us more about what happened between the two of you, what youre going through?

[SinisterComplex]

for sure. but if i had to guess, it didnt start there.

do you want to tell us more about what happened between the two of you, what youre going through?

Mas, I am 100% on board with OR here...While her going from 0-100 on something "innocuous" be rest assured it was most likely something that had been brewing a long time coming. The innocuous thing was just emotionally the match that lit the dynamite so to speak.

If you feel up to it provide us more background.

This family is here to help you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[rnasnzman]

Depressed today. Discouraged. Feel duped.

This all goes back to her mother and her grandmother. Overbearing, cold, judgmental, sarcastic, cynical "women of the Lord." I can only imagine how her childhood was.
My GF never had a chance. So while I am grieving this 4+ year relationship I am also hoping she finds help. She's a good person and I still love her. I feel like I'm kicking a dying animal in the middle of the road, though. I feel awful. But I can't do this anymore.

I'm trying to buy a condo to move on. She's threatening to be uncooperative on the move, the financial settlement etc. I need the settlement to close on the condo. It feels like not only are you an emotional hostage, they control your life, too.

I really loved a couple of her 4 kids, her half brother, her cousin -- all those folks were really good to me. So I'm grieving the loss of them, too. It's like this has been a family secret though. Her mom and a few of her kids were just hell bent on us getting married as soon as possible and were pissed off and didn't understand why I wouldn't. I would feel like maybe it was the right time and then she'd blow up at something. I'd always think... we're not ready.

I'm exhausted and hurt and confused and so so sad. Can barely hold it together to work (but have to since I own the company), and I'm using alcohol to "get down" long enough to not feel. You can imagine how well that is working for me.

[rnasnzman]

and one other odd tidbit that complicates this...

A couple years ago she was acting really strange ... raging... suicidal. She starting working at a clinic as the clinic director and they did some routine blood work. Tests came back with very high calcium -- like high enough to induce what they call "calcium psychosis." 4 surgeries later, the culprit was determined to be a 5th (extra) parathyroid gland that had descended near the aorta into her thoracic cavity at about 3 weeks gestation. It was a dangerous surgery and recovery was hard. I was with her the whole way. Hours and hours in waiting rooms. Taking off work to care for her. etc. Guess who wasn't? Her family. Just unbelievable.

I felt relieved for a while. Now I had something physical to blame the mood swings on. And we were good... for a time. Until it started all over again. I said, "Have you had your calcium checked lately? She said, "No, but I will." Which suggested to me that she KNEW something was going on.

I mention this because calcium psychosis is real and it mimics BPD. So, first, have to rule out physical problems. But as it turned out, she had BOTH.

I didn't mention before that her Dad died of a heart attack when she was 22 and in college. She was a daddy's girl (can you imagine why?), so it was a huge blow that she still tears up at today. He was an entrepreneur and worked all the time, so I think he was largely absent during childhood. But get this... she BLAMES him. Said he abandoned her. I said, "Honey, you're not making sense. Your Dad DIED. He didn't abandon you."  She said, "No. He abandoned me, like every other man in my life."