Dealing with the fallout of being honest

[teambean12]

Hi all. I posted a few weeks back about coming out to my BPD mom and telling her that I have a boyfriend that I plan to be with. As you can guess, things literally exploded. She has called me to scream and emotionally abuse me nearly every hour. I've tried hanging up on her, to which she threatens me with retaliation to ruin my career and falsely accuse my boyfriend of illegal activities. We are meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to see what we should be doing to protect ourselves. I've let my boss know that my mom has BPD and may try to reach out to him. Right now I'm just feeling really hopeless that she will never accept my relationship and will ruin my life for not caving to her wishes. She is fixated on the fact that I lied to her about dating him for 3 years, when the only reason I kept this from her is this was how she reacted last time. I want to maintain a relationship with my dad who isn't happy that I kept this secret but is reasonable. He is the only reason why I am hesitant to completely go no contact. Do you think things may eventually calm down, or am I in for a BPD rollercoaster forever?

[GaGrl]

Things may eventually calm down but, based on her history with the matter, she may revisit it when triggered for a very long time.

Now that the truth is out, and remembering that boundaries are put in place to protect US and not to control others, what boundaries do you and your husband need establish?

[Notwendy]

This storm is likely to calm down. From what I have experienced, it's a different "ride" along the way depending on what my BPD mother wants at the moment. Sometimes it's a mini coaster and sometimes smooth sailing. You're on the wild one now. My guess is that it will settle down in time. Keep in mind that when you change your behavior there can be an extinction burst.

I also didn't go NC with my BPD mother - I wanted to remain in contact with my father. Like yours, he was the more reasonable one, but still quite enmeshed with my mother. I thought I could confide in him but realized that anything I said or emailed to him was shared with her. My assumption that he would understand may have been true for him, but he would abdicate any decisions to her, so ultimately her will and feelings prevailed, even if he understood. Keep this in mind.

I think it is wise to consult a lawyer if she is threatening your career. Now is the time to get your own phone so she can't have access to any of your phone contacts. Don't make a decision on NC or not, but take a time out. Yes, speak to the lawyer and do what you can to protect yourself. She will either calm down or not.

As much as you care about your father, be aware that she can order him to not speak to you. My BPD mother drove this kind of wedge between me and my father and also her extended family. It was very hurtful. Please keep in mind this is not about you and don't take it personally. Your father has to live with her 24/7 and she may be so difficult he feels he hasn't another choice. Please take care of YOU. You did not cause her BPD.

[teambean12]

Thank you all for the support. It's so tricky to navigate setting boundaries while also trying to keep my family as part of my life. I feel like the future may involve completely going NC with my whole family, but I feel like I have the obligation to at least try to stay in contact while establishing some boundaries for my own sanity. I'm struggling with what to do this weekend. My parents have asked me to come home to visit this weekend (6 hours away), and rightfully so my partner is worried about me traveling there for another big blow up and possibly getting stranded there without an escape plan. I'm worried that they will be upset with me for not coming and furthering their accusation of "choosing my bf over my family", which is not how I want them to perceive our relationship (again, I shouldn't care about their perception but I do). At the same time to my bf and to his family, I am absolutely bonkers crazy if I go to visit them. I feel so conflicted over having unconditional love for an unsupportive family and trying to keep them in my life when my partner has been so supportive.

Right now I am feeling constantly on edge. She hasn't verbally abused me for almost a full day and I am just waiting for the hammer to drop again. Why can't I just separate myself from her when she breaks my heart? I just can't seem to find it in me to do it. 

[zachira]

You ask yourself why you can't separate yourself from your mother when she breaks your heart. This is a question so many of us with a mother with BPD agonize over. From the time a child is born, a mother with BPD will not see her child as a separate person from her, and will fight tooth and nail her child becoming independent of her. When a child has a significant other, the parent may really feel abandonned. My mother with BPD did not want any of her children to get married, and only my sister got married. My mother was horrible to my BIL for many years, and finally accepted him when he catered to her in ways that were not likely healthy for his well being. There are many members on PSI who have had a nightmare of a time with their mother with BPD when they decided to get married. Do check out some of their threads.
The child of a parent with BPD is expected to mirror the parent's emotions perfectly and have no separate emotions of her/his own. Understanding this does not necessarily reduce the pain. We only have one mother, and it is a lifelong sorrow to not get the unconditional love from our mothers and instead have the parent child roles reversed.Your mother's emotions are hers and hers alone. My therapist told me to keep focused on what I feel inside when in the presence of a disordered person, and this practice has helped me more than anything to own my feelings while not getting enmeshed in the emotional dysregulations of my disordered family members.
What level of contact you decide to have with your mother is not something you have to make a permanent decision about. The first step is to establish the boundaries with your family that will allow you to figure out what kind of contact works the best. Some members have gone no contact for long periods of time which gave them the time to develop the boundaries they needed to be able to have limited contact. Other members have gone no contact and have found that reestablishing contact has not worked. Some members have chosen to stay in contact while maintaining very strict boundaries and severely limiting their contact. No right or wrong here, just what works best for you.

[Notwendy]

Teambean,

The choice isn't between your BF and your family, it's between you- as an independent unique human or continuing your role in your family structure. I know it's an unfair and unfortunate choice but this is how your family works- do as your mother says or- make your own choices.

Did you match in the same area as your parents?

You are an adult, and soon to be a doctor. People will look to you to help them. As an adult, you have the right to choose your relationships.

Do you come from a culture where the parents choose their children's spouses? Don't reveal personal information like identifying culture- there are several that do this.

Also, you can take care of yourself. If driving 6 hours to be verbally abused is too stressful for you, then don't do it.