Hello - Confused and not sure where to go w BPD Spouse

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, I came across this group by watching some YouTube videos (obviously in secret).   

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 23 years.  Our relationship has always been tumultuous but I grew up in a dysfunctional home so I really didn't know any other way I guess. As a result of my father's shortcomings, I was determined to be the best dad and husband I could be. 

The wife was always prone to fits of rage and was what I would have described as demanding. From the beginning, she was always unhappy with what I did or didn't do. She was always extremely jealous of other women.  She would keep close tabs on me. When I would go out of town for work, she would often claim she was sick or would do something to either try and keep me from going or at least make me feel guilty for not being under her thumb.

Nothing I did was ever good enough. When she would come home from being somewhere, she would almost always go into a fit of rage because I hadn't gotten the house clean or done this or that.   

She has always been unhappy in her career.  I have always tried to be supportive in her work decisions. I told her she could stay home (especially when the kids were small) or she could work part time or have any career she wanted. When the kids got a little older, I encouraged her to go to grad school. In fact, I dropped out of grad school to support her. For two plus years, I did all the chores, cooked every meal, put the kids to bed every night, etc.   One night while she was especially frustrated with my ineptitude and her class work, she looked right at me and told me she "hated my guts" for "making" her go back to school.

This was sort of a straw that broke the camel's back.  The constant constant neediness and accusations led me into an emotional affair.  I am not proud of it.  Eventually this emotional affair was discovered and you know the rest. 

She told the kids about this affair as well and called me a cheater constantly in front of them.  They were in elementary and middle school at the time.

It was during th subsequent marriage counseling that she was diagnosed as BPD.  She refused to accept this diagnosis and still to this day refuses.

Fast forward to 2021.  My daughter is 19 and a freshman in college. My son is 16 and driving.  Both are incredible children.  Straight A students, the whole bit. I have seen behavioral things that disturb me but I still feel that I needed to be there for them.

With the realization that my children are leaving/soon to leave the nest, and my wife not accepting her issues, I have been considering divorce.   Approximately 2 weeks ago during one of her "bitch sessions" that were accompanied by her telling me she didn't think I was a good husband, I asked her to leave.  Obviously she refused.  I then offered to leave for a week and then she could leave for a week. Well she then accused me of having an affair and then of abandoning my children.   I told her that I had already spoke to the kids  and prepared then for the possibility
 This obviously enraged her because the kids was always her last ditch effort to control me  My kids came home so I stopped the "discussion'.

The next morning, after stomping around and looking pissed off for a half hour, she apologized.  She then promised to read some books and try harder. She refused counseling.  For the last two weeks she has turned on the charm. The problem is, I don't know if it's real. And if it is, I am honestly angry that she is clearly able of acting better. Really I am so damaged by her that I can't even stand for her to touch me.  I have met with a divorce attorney and have a follow up meeting scheduled. But I am more confused than ever. 

I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells and Boundaries in Marriage. 

Has anyone else gone through something similar?  Thanks in advance for allowing me to vent

[Bobby Newport]

Hello, I came across this group by watching some YouTube videos (obviously in secret).   

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 23 years.  Our relationship has always been tumultuous but I grew up in a dysfunctional home so I really didn't know any other way I guess. As a result of my father's shortcomings, I was determined to be the best dad and husband I could be. 

The wife was always prone to fits of rage and was what I would have described as demanding. From the beginning, she was always unhappy with what I did or didn't do. She was always extremely jealous of other women.  She would keep close tabs on me. When I would go out of town for work, she would often claim she was sick or would do something to either try and keep me from going or at least make me feel guilty for not being under her thumb.

Nothing I did was ever good enough. When she would come home from being somewhere, she would almost always go into a fit of rage because I hadn't gotten the house clean or done this or that.   

She has always been unhappy in her career.  I have always tried to be supportive in her work decisions. I told her she could stay home (especially when the kids were small) or she could work part time or have any career she wanted. When the kids got a little older, I encouraged her to go to grad school. In fact, I dropped out of grad school to support her. For two plus years, I did all the chores, cooked every meal, put the kids to bed every night, etc.   One night while she was especially frustrated with my ineptitude and her class work, she looked right at me and told me she "hated my guts" for "making" her go back to school.

This was sort of a straw that broke the camel's back.  The constant constant neediness and accusations led me into an emotional affair.  I am not proud of it.  Eventually this emotional affair was discovered and you know the rest. 

She told the kids about this affair as well and called me a cheater constantly in front of them.  They were in elementary and middle school at the time.

It was during th subsequent marriage counseling that she was diagnosed as BPD.  She refused to accept this diagnosis and still to this day refuses.

Fast forward to 2021.  My daughter is 19 and a freshman in college. My son is 16 and driving.  Both are incredible children.  Straight A students, the whole bit. I have seen behavioral things that disturb me but I still feel that I needed to be there for them.

With the realization that my children are leaving/soon to leave the nest, and my wife not accepting her issues, I have been considering divorce.   Approximately 2 weeks ago during one of her "bitch sessions" that were accompanied by her telling me she didn't think I was a good husband, I asked her to leave.  Obviously she refused.  I then offered to leave for a week and then she could leave for a week. Well she then accused me of having an affair and then of abandoning my children.   I told her that I had already spoke to the kids  and prepared then for the possibility
 This obviously enraged her because the kids was always her last ditch effort to control me  My kids came home so I stopped the "discussion'.

The next morning, after stomping around and looking pissed off for a half hour, she apologized.  She then promised to read some books and try harder. She refused counseling.  For the last two weeks she has turned on the charm. The problem is, I don't know if it's real. And if it is, I am honestly angry that she is clearly able of acting better. Really I am so damaged by her that I can't even stand for her to touch me.  I have met with a divorce attorney and have a follow up meeting scheduled. But I am more confused than ever. 

I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells and Boundaries in Marriage. 

Has anyone else gone through something similar?  Thanks in advance for allowing me to vent

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Bobby, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  Your story is quite familiar, sad to say.  How can we help you out?  You mention (above) that you are confused, which is understandable in a marriage to a pwBPD.  What is the best path for you at this point?  Maybe you need time to sit with your feelings and let the water clear?

LuckyJim

[Bobby Newport]

Thank you LuckyJim. I appreciate the support. 

I am curious if any one experienced a spouse who turned around without counseling.   My wife has been able to string 2 or 3 weeks together at a time but always ends up backsliding and we end up back where we started.

Frankly, I am tired of giving her another chance.  I just don't know when enough is enough. 

[once removed]

know two things:

1. people with bpd have inherent trust issues, and difficulty trusting others, particularly those closest to them
2. an affair will amplify those issues for years to come. its an enormous breach of trust.

i dont say this coming from a place of judgment. during my relationship, i sent an inappropriate message to another person. my ex (girlfriend at the time) was accessing my social media and saw the response.

my first response was anger at the breach of privacy, which, to be fair, was pretty rampant! and she would spy on me from there, and i would spy on her to see if she was spying on me, all the while i felt smothered by her spying, things got pretty muddy.

we probably never really recovered from it. maybe we did, and our issues were bigger than that. hard to say.

there are some hard questions you have to ask yourself, at this stage in your relationship.

do you want to save it? are you prepared to do what it takes to do so? are you prepared to do what it takes to do so, even if its ultimately not possible? it will require an enormous investment. understand, first and foremost, what that entails.

in the event you decide you want to divorce, do the two of you want to get along? right now, you are both leaning on the kids in a way that will make that very difficult. she told them about the affair, you told them about the possibility of the divorce. if this dynamic continues, it will significantly complicate things not only in a divorce process, but possibly for years thereafter.

[Betterlife2021]

Hi sorry you are having such a hard time. Your situation is very similar to mine. My partner and I have been together for 21 years never married. He started therapy two years ago almost to the day. Only after I packed a bag took the dogs and left. He was diagnosed  with bipolar right away. About 8 months later bpd was added. I have spent most of my adult life attempting to prove myself worthy. My daughter is now almost 24. I chose a very hard life for her. I tried to shield her from all I could.As they grow older it becomes impossible. For your kids I’m going to say leave them out of it the best you can. No matter what you choose therapy would be a really good idea for them and yourself.My daughter has been in therapy for three years. I finally feel that she will be okay.
 If you decide to stay I would not give her any option but to go back to therapy. She may go if you give her no other choice. He is still going, at times I think he has accepted his diagnosis, and times he has not. Progress has been made.I have come to realize it’s going to be a very long bumpy road. I have been wondering the last couple of days if I should call a lawyer also. We are not married but own a house together. This is so hard and I’m so tired. I guess I’m saying I feel your pain and if you stay be prepared for that long road that may never end.

[Gemmie]

Thank you for sharing what you're going through.
I'm sorry that this is "life" right now.

Like others have shared, this is such a frequent issue. The "cycle" of "I love you, I need you," and "Eff-Off, you're an awful person," etc.

I, too, am in 25 years with a BP spouse...it's like my instinct is saying, "If 25 years hasn't changed anything, why the heck should I think it ever will," but my heart is saying "but he'll be all alone," and despite all the crazy, I will always care for him. We have had some wonderful times, but when he turns, he can be vicious (verbally only), but - what's even more than that, though - it's the unpredictability that I hate the most.

It's like, never feeling like I can fully let my guard down or 100% be myself, all the time. I've described it as feeling like I have to "shrink" myself, or my feelings, and constantly monitor "me" (wth?) in order to try to anticipate and accommodate his perceptions first.

But, that's not living MY life - that's basically giving it someone else to live and define. We only get ONE, SO SHORT BRIEF TIME to experience life, so should I just stick with it to the end, or use the last "segment" of my life to experience it for myself and (not that it's a priority) maybe end up finding someone that isn't so deeply damaged and able to just enjoy life and being together without constant censorship?

But, the thought of just ending it and going out into life alone, without him, would be something I have never done before.

(Even though, last week, out of nowhere, he flipped out over a "face expression," and literally cut his wedding band off his hand) - it has since "magically been soldered and is back on his hand, without a word about it.

I guess, in your cases, it's that much harder because you have kids to worry about, too. We don't have any. It sounds like you've done an amazing job with your "younglings," though! They sound pretty well adjusted, intelligent and thoughtful - despite what you've been dealing with for so long.

I'd think just talking to an attorney isn't a huge deal. It's not signing anything, yet, it's sort of like reconnaissance, information gathering, etc.

And, of course, finding a personal counselor/therapist for yourself would be a great idea - hopefully you won't have to hunt long and will find one that you totally "vibe" with right away. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find "the one."

I recently found "the one" and we've only been working together about 3 weeks now, but she's got to be the best therapist I've ever found. She is already giving me  so much to consider, to weigh and plenty of resources to help determine WTH I do now!

Like, decision making charts (listing pros/cons), using CBT worksheets, etc...

I'd love to hear how you guys are doing and what your thoughts are...we're all about the same age, and about the same length of time with our SO's...I've never even lived by myself before, so this is all so strange, scary, and when you've been with someone so long (dysfunctional or not), it's not an easy thing to just toss your head and walk into the unknown, ya know?

Dang - realized I just wrote a book! LOL!

Sorry - ya'll just have so much in common and I found myself talking about my issues in pondering what you're going through!

[Bobby Newport]

Gemmie,

I am happy to share and sorry you are going through such difficulty with someone you obviously love.


My fear is more that I am concerned she will try to pit the kids against me.  Or make them feel guilty for wanting to be with me.  Also, we live in a small southern town and are active in our community.  I am worried about the fallout with that.  I do love her and she has a lot of positives. I am concerned that I can't get over the hurt.  She thinks that she can treat me like a wife should treat a husband for a few days and everything should be fine.  But I am pretty hurt and pessimistic at this point.


Someone asked about a relationship with her post divorce. I just don't see that as a possibility.  She can be incredibly vicious. Like I said, I am concerned she will do what she can to get at me, kids, friends, etc..

[Gemmie]

Hey Bobby,

Yeah, that's a tough spot. I know what I'm going thru is SO damn hard and I just feel totally "stuck" - like either decision (stay/go) is gonna suck. LOL.

But - the fact that you guys have kids together would make it a lot more difficult. Hell, I was just worried about my 2 pups. I can't even image kids!

However - your kids sounds pretty damn amazing. And they're at ages where they do have some agency in trusting their own perceptions. I would be much more worried if they were really young and still impressionable. After all, they've probably seen many of the things that you guys have been through and as young adults, they'll continue to mature and be more thoughtful about their opinions.

Does your SO acknowledge that she has this condition? Like has she been officially diagnosed or able to recognize that it exists? Is she open to therapy? If she was willing to go to therapy and actually "do the work," do you feel like you would be willing to try again, or are you feeling totally disenchanted?

These are things you have to carefully consider. (Also therapy for yourself - either way! It DOES MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE! It validates you, your feelings, and also teaches you coping mechanisms and keeping yourself as healthy as YOU can be.)

But - yeah, I think the kids are at an age that there's only so much "damage" and trash-talking she could do, ya know? And, as they continue to grow, they'll see things and perceive them for themselves, rather than what people "tell them to think" or believe.

I sure wish none of us had the difficulties of loving someone who has such a horrible condition. To stay is to sacrifice our life, but to leave, makes us feel like we're abandoning an injured/damaged person (who DID provide good memories over the years)... 

Sheesh, life can be challenging enough, but when you're existence is so deeply enmeshed with someone who is emotionally disabled - WOOF...

Anywhoos - yeah, Bobby. I'd think about some counseling for yourself. If you've never done it before, you'll be really surprised how awesome it is. Like, "how come EVERYONE isn't doing this?" ;)

[Lucky Jim]

My fear is more that I am concerned she will try to pit the kids against me.  Or make them feel guilty for wanting to be with me.  Also, we live in a small southern town and are active in our community.  I am worried about the fallout with that.  

Hey Bobby, Those are all valid fears.  I can relate, as I'm on the other side of things after my BPD Ex and I divorced eight years ago.  At the end of the day, you can't control what your wife does or what people in your town might think.  It's likely, I agree, that she will attempt to manipulate your kids, because that's what those w/BPD do.

One way to look at is to think about what sort of example you are setting for your kids.  I like to think I demonstrated to them that change is possible in life, and one need not remain in an abusive situation.  I was living a life of quiet desperation, as Thoreau put it, and finally came to a breaking point.  We all have limits and I reached mine.

You have a lot on your plate so keep us posted.

LJ