Accepting and Coping with Poor Decisions of Spouse

[Michael43]

Hello.  I can use some ideas and support for my ability to accept poor decisions of my wife w/BPD and allow her to make financial mistakes, and even fail at things.  I am a very pro-active, forward thinking, planning for the future type person, and it is a challenge for me to accept, cope with, and allow my wife to make poor economic and personal decisions. In 2017 we separated our finances through the courts to protect me in the event of a personal bankruptcy on her part.

Here are some decisions on her part that I have been frustrated by, but so far I have respected them:
-The decision not to exercise & eat healthy leading to significant weight gain and health issues.
-The decision to quit her part time job without telling me.
-The decision not to return to work after her last hospitalization, eating up her entire life savings.
-The decision to continue to insure a vehicle she cannot clearly afford.
-She has threatened to stop paying her health care premiums (which she can afford) because it simply costs "too much money for the premiums." [I will consult with an attorney for advice on this one.]
-We do have some couple's counseling to talk about our communication issues about finances and our budget.  So far any discussion of money causes her to become dysregulated.  I have low expectations for our couple's counseling.  We have tried couple's counseling in the past and I felt it was not beneficial because she would either blame, rage, stonewall, shut down, or be completely silent.

Here is some of the advice I have found so far:
-Be willing to allow others to fail, and certainly don't sacrifice yourself to "save" someone else.
-Share your disagreement 1 time, but allow the person to make the decision, and don't bring up "I told you so..." Share your well thought out feelings once then STOP TALKING.
-Bolster your marriage friendship so positive sentiments can outweigh negative thoughts and moments.
-Be supportive and show you will be willing to take on life together.
-Realize that decisions could be made based on circumstances and not a problem of character.
-Don't judge, nag, worry, overcompensate, or blast on social media.
-Accept that witnessing someone's poor decisions is painful.
-Let the chips fall where they may.  Accept that the consequences will fall upon the decision maker.
-Realize there is a chance that you may be wrong, that the person may be making a decision that will have some sort of positive outcome.
-Think about yourself, think about others, give yourself some time, get some help, and learn to forgive.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like legal protection is needed so that you don’t end up being financially obligated for her poor decisions.

[Mr. Kelly]

I have/had a very similar problem. I would see what I thought were poor decisions by my recently estranged girlfriend, and it would trigger some of my own trauma related difficulties.

I don’t really have the answers, other than all of the usual fare… We have to take care of ourselves, and attach our partners behavior from our own self.

When I can do this successfully, my relationship was much better. As soon as I started to stand up for myself, usually because I was feeling anxious or insecure, or I started to challenge any of her behavior, that’s when her splits start.

Sadly, that’s where we are right now. Almost one week apart, with only hostile response from her.

I wish you all the best.