What does a success story look like?

[Mac5]

Hi all, first of all thanks everyone for creating and contributing to this amazing board that has given us so much insight. First post here and I wanted to ask for opinions and experiences about what a success story looks like in real life.

One thing is no longer meeting the DSM-5 criteria, which in itself is a huge step forward, but I am more thinking about other “symptoms” (some of which I guess sometimes may relate more to the potential causes of the BPD than the BPD itself) that I read about here and elsewhere.

For those that have witnessed success stories, have you also seen improvement (if they were ever present in the pwPBD) in things like:
-Invalidation of your feelings and emotions?
-Entitlement?
-Controlling/coercive behaviours?
-Self destructive patterns/reactions?
-Pushing away the person they are afraid to lose so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy?
-Frequent blaming and criticism, and refusal to admit fault to sometimes extreme levels?
-Circular conversations/arguments?
-Victimisation and projection?
-Distrust/false accusations?
-Distorted thinking where there is sometimes confusion regarding cause/effect/intent/chronology and emotion vs reality? Often coupled with blame.
-Lack of empathy?
-Any other experiences where you witnessed clear improvement with treatment and awareness?

I’d be curious to hear peoples experiences about the impact on your daily lives. And have you ended up feeling emotionally “safe” in the relationships? Also, for those that have seen real improvement does this also hold through trauma (such as illness, crisis, deaths, redundancy, divorces etc) later on in life, or does the BPD tend to flair up or even “come back”.

Many thanks in advance.

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[Mac5]

Sorry I have no idea why this ended up under children/parents. Was meant to be under romantic relationship

[once removed]

what success entails is going to be different for everyone.

i know you know that, but i want to impress that point.

for some, its "good enough". for some, its "good enough until the kids are old enough for us to divorce". for some its marked improvement. for some its dramatic improvement. for some, its a particular issue that is a particular deal breaker.

the short answer to your specific questions is: depends.

some of them may or may not improve on their own.

some of them may improve with therapy/recovery.

some of them are more likely to improve with your own leadership, the tone you set for the relationship environment.

some of them, it will help to be more specific about how theyre playing out in your relationship.

you love a difficult person, and when you love a difficult person, you need realistic expectations that are reflective of the person you love. if the person you love went to therapy tomorrow, and made perfect progress, they would still struggle. some of these things are at the core of a persons personality, and, especially the older we get, the harder that is to change. can it change? absolutely!

but for example, if you love a person that generally invalidates your feelings and emotions, a person can reasonably improve in that area, but theyre probably not going to become your emotional rock. ive had a lot of loved ones in my life with that quality. ive had loved ones in my life that did have that quality, but didnt, when i needed it most. its sad, its frustrating, its hurtful. but everyone has certain limits and limitations.

when it comes to something like circular arguments, this tends to be something we have a bigger role in than we think. and its the sort of thing where we have a bigger amount of control over whether it improves or not by changing our responses.

and thats kind of the long and short of it. when you love someone with bpd, you are one of, if not their greatest influences, and while we cant love someone out of bpd, we can emotionally lead the relationship on a healthier trajectory.

can you tell us more about your relationship to your loved one, and how some of these things are playing out in your relationship?