Stop me if you have heard this before.. I dont think I learn

[Depression = 72% of members]

  So.. she calls me the night prior. Yelling at me about the same thing, mind you she is with someone and says the same thing "She is scared to sleep at night". So she yells at me for hours on end as usual (mind you she has someone). Then hangs up on me at 2:00am (This is Sunday night) she calls me Monday morning telling me about her eye dr appointment, and how she is getting a new cell phone with the stimulus money. So Im like okay.

She calls me in a panic telling me about how her cell phone isnt working. Her account. She buys a new phone. She walks a block up, and drops the phone, walks back to the store, they wont give her a new phone since they claimed she didnt have insurance, so she drops another $130 on a phone (so total she coughed up total of $300 for 2 phones). And is fighting with the phone carrier and full blown panic mode. So I go help me. No more than 10 mins I get over the bridge, she dont need me but said "come over anyway".

As I posted in other posts, her cats love me. So I think they remember me and were circling around me and meowing.

She wanted to get her check cashed, (I think her stimulus) and had to go put money to pay off her moms funeral (one year ago saturday). She was happy I went with her so she says. She then wanted Wendys then to go to Walmart and another grocery store. We had seperate bills and the cashier was like "This is your wife's". So I laughed and shes like whats so funny and I told her. She was like "oh well so-and-so can be considered". So Im like you cant just let me have just a small piece of happiness? you got to rip that out from my hands?. So I helped her bring in the groceries and I went home. My mom wanted more groceries, so I do what I got for her and I come home. So she calls me and thanks me for taking her out then goes back and starts yelling at me again.. Whats wrong with me? Am I too nice? or am I sucker?

[legalboxers]

  So.. she calls me the night prior. Yelling at me about the same thing, mind you she is with someone and says the same thing "She is scared to sleep at night". So she yells at me for hours on end as usual (mind you she has someone). Then hangs up on me at 2:00am (This is Sunday night) she calls me Monday morning telling me about her eye dr appointment, and how she is getting a new cell phone with the stimulus money. So Im like okay.

She calls me in a panic telling me about how her cell phone isnt working. Her account. She buys a new phone. She walks a block up, and drops the phone, walks back to the store, they wont give her a new phone since they claimed she didnt have insurance, so she drops another $130 on a phone (so total she coughed up total of $300 for 2 phones). And is fighting with the phone carrier and full blown panic mode. So I go help me. No more than 10 mins I get over the bridge, she dont need me but said "come over anyway".

As I posted in other posts, her cats love me. So I think they remember me and were circling around me and meowing.

She wanted to get her check cashed, (I think her stimulus) and had to go put money to pay off her moms funeral (one year ago saturday). She was happy I went with her so she says. She then wanted Wendys then to go to Walmart and another grocery store. We had seperate bills and the cashier was like "This is your wife's". So I laughed and shes like whats so funny and I told her. She was like "oh well so-and-so can be considered". So Im like you cant just let me have just a small piece of happiness? you got to rip that out from my hands?. So I helped her bring in the groceries and I went home. My mom wanted more groceries, so I do what I got for her and I come home. So she calls me and thanks me for taking her out then goes back and starts yelling at me again.. Whats wrong with me? Am I too nice? or am I sucker?

[SinisterComplex]

LB...smh. Look man many of us have been in your shoes and regardless if you believe it or not I was with my ex wife as well. Point is you have to learn from this bs. This situation will never change. I hope you have learned that by now? Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you think this is what you deserve? Do you think this is the best you can do?

You are being used. Do you not see that now? You are a tool to her, a mark if you will. This is hard to hear and hard to accept, but it is the truth. Seriously...grab some baby powder and smack yourself. This is the definition of insanity my friend. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again and you expect different results, but yet the same results always happen have the fortitude to pull the plug and tell her to kick rocks! Enough is enough.

I sincerely hope in due time you figure this out and quit torturing yourself. She doesn't give a damn about your feelings in the slightest. No remorse. You keep finding threads to keep you tied to her and its like you have her on a pedestal...stop that nonsense right now and moving forward.

Keep posting. Hell post everyday and let this family help make you stronger.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Cheers and best wishes to you!

[legalboxers]

LB...smh. Look man many of us have been in your shoes and regardless if you believe it or not I was with my ex wife as well. Point is you have to learn from this bs. This situation will never change. I hope you have learned that by now? Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you think this is what you deserve? Do you think this is the best you can do?

You are being used. Do you not see that now? You are a tool to her, a mark if you will. This is hard to hear and hard to accept, but it is the truth. Seriously...grab some baby powder and smack yourself. This is the definition of insanity my friend. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again and you expect different results, but yet the same results always happen have the fortitude to pull the plug and tell her to kick rocks! Enough is enough.

I sincerely hope in due time you figure this out and quit torturing yourself. She doesn't give a damn about your feelings in the slightest. No remorse. You keep finding threads to keep you tied to her and its like you have her on a pedestal...stop that nonsense right now and moving forward.

Keep posting. Hell post everyday and let this family help make you stronger.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Cheers and best wishes to you!

I get it. I honestly do. The point of contention was the thing about her mother. She dont like going to the funeral home. So I said let me just be a nice guy (Optimal word since she thought the world of her. The best part was she left the present guy for me, only to go back to him  I think that is insanity ** But the best part was, the crap she yelled at me about some guy did to her. And I was like "Wait... He left you for the same reasons you left me".. I dont think she caught on, and to be honest I dont think she will. And out of total honesty, I am immersing myself in other things, so Im not at her beck and call (even when she and I were together) because she didnt get the concept of gas, tolls, covid and an OCD 85 yr old mom who is overbearing 

[B53]

LB
We all know it’s really hard to just walk away. I just walked away for the last and final time. Eventually something just snaps and you can’t do it anymore. For me the loving feelings are fading. Maybe you just haven’t reached that point yet and until you do, it’s hard to walk away. Most of us have been there. Think about what you would say to your best friend, if someone treated them  the way she does. Eventually you have to become your own best friend.  I’m sorry you are going through this!

B53

[legalboxers]

LB
We all know it’s really hard to just walk away. I just walked away for the last and final time. Eventually something just snaps and you can’t do it anymore. For me the loving feelings are fading. Maybe you just haven’t reached that point yet and until you do, it’s hard to walk away. Most of us have been there. Think about what you would say to your best friend, if someone treated them  the way she does. Eventually you have to become your own best friend.  I’m sorry you are going through  this!

B53

I was on the job, this is like battered wife or spouse syndrome
I cant eat a dish I liked (Kraut and Sausage) or eat a sub sandwich or even watch 90 day fiancée. Everything in my life has a connection to her it’s the worst feeling. I feel disconnected when I think about her. I still love her but I don’t why

[grumpydonut]

Failure is a part of life, Legal. Doing the same thing and thinking something different will occur, that's madness.

My honest opinion is you're wasting your time on here. Not that this isn't useful, or that you shouldn't be here or that we (I) don't want to support you. But you are reading the words and not letting them sink into your reality.

You know the answers to the questions you ask, Legal. The only way any of this changes is if you start thinking about you and WANT to change. At the moment, I don't think you do. And that's ok. There's no judgement. But you're wasting precious time in your life that you won't get back.

You want to be loved; she can't love you. Read it again. Read it until you notice (my assumption) that something in you simply won't accept this reality. This is denial. Nothing will change until you deal with this step.

[cash05458]

"The point of contention was the thing about her mother"

Legal...there will ALWAYS be a "point of contention with her...every...single...time...

This will sound a little harsh but it is meant well...at this point, you are doing this to yourself by going along with it and biting at the lure...it really has nothing to do with her...this is natural for her and will remain so...this is her language...

You can only change your responses...check cashing, groceries, running to help after she is upset with cell phone company? Really? You simply need to stop...let go.

[khibomsis]

Dear LB, I am sorry for what you are going through, and totally agree with all the other posts. You can't blame her.  She is insane. You are doing this to yourself. As the 'sane' non, it is your responsibility to be the nice guy to yourself first. You know that.
She has somebody else now. Why is he not doing the store runs and the 2 am calls? Why are you?
 

[legalboxers]

Failure is a part of life, Legal. Doing the same thing and thinking something different will occur, that's madness.

My honest opinion is you're wasting your time on here. Not that this isn't useful, or that you shouldn't be here or that we (I) don't want to support you. But you are reading the words and not letting them sink into your reality.

You know the answers to the questions you ask, Legal. The only way any of this changes is if you start thinking about you and WANT to change. At the moment, I don't think you do. And that's ok. There's no judgement. But you're wasting precious time in your life that you won't get back.

You want to be loved; she can't love you. Read it again. Read it until you notice (my assumption) that something in you simply won't accept this reality. This is denial. Nothing will change until you deal with this step.

Think of a moth going to a flame. You get burned.You know its bad but you go back anyway. I know in my mind what Im doing, but as I posted - as a former 1st responder, the tone in her voice about the errand to pay her moms remainder on cremation is what bothered me the most

[legalboxers]

Dear LB, I am sorry for what you are going through, and totally agree with all the other posts. You can't blame her.  She is insane. You are doing this to yourself. As the 'sane' non, it is your responsibility to be the nice guy to yourself first. You know that.
She has somebody else now. Why is he not doing the store runs and the 2 am calls? Why are you?
 

 
I ask myself this and the short answer is - he is a parent of a 9 yr old girl, and a volunteer fire fighter. Both I get, Im a former volunteer police officer of 15 years. We were not on call like they are. I'm also still an active volunteer first responder in times of disasters (I was on duty when Hurricane Sandy hit my island - 2012, the entire side of my island was devastated.) So I get the whole on duty thing. Its in my DNA, plus he has a kid, Im not going to fault him on that - There is a part 2...

[legalboxers]

So this is part 2...
Last night she did it again. Im thinking she would let me sleep. I was on the phone with her until 6:30am. (Its now 10:33am) I think this would be her end of her calling me. So she tells me the volunteer fire fighter she is with now, was the guy she dumped to be with me, - she went through 4 others, to go back to the person she initially was with WHO IS NEVER AROUND! Which means in essence. I was the go-between guy for her to end up back with the guy she was with. And she blames me for giving her a UTI but claimed that she wasnt with someone.

Im hoping I wont be here posting anymore updates but some positive stuff in my life. Need any prayers..My LSAT is coming up fast. I need to do this...

[khibomsis]

LB, I am praying for you.

[legalboxers]

LB, I am praying for you.

hug! TY! *polar hugs you too*

[cash05458]

Legal...again, this will sound harsh...but it is seriously meant well...

You don't need prayers...you need some common sense...

You were "hoping" she would let you sleep last night? That is ENTIRELY up to you...I am afraid I have to agree with Grumpy's post to be honest...

Time to grow a backbone bud...

[legalboxers]

Legal...again, this will sound harsh...but it is seriously meant well...

You don't need prayers...you need some common sense...

You were "hoping" she would let you sleep last night? That is ENTIRELY up to you...I am afraid I have to agree with Grumpy's post to be honest...

Time to grow a backbone bud...

seeds are planted.. growing as we speak

[cash05458]

Legal...given everything you have told...take steroids...seeds won't do it...seriously, it is time to grow a set...this is all you...and via your lsats...seriously, you need to stop making excuses for self...the time is now...don't blow this...again, meant well my friend...but you need to police yourself and emotions...time to knock it off...you are in a dangerous position via self...you could lose a lot here...focus on self and law school...many here have lost so much more and had to grow a set even with that loss...you are at a point...stop making excuses...time to start dealing with the reality principle...you still feel in love and run over to help while she is with another man? Listen, you need to get your s**t together my friend...

otherwise, if you keep reacting to her...there is not much more to say...you can either take some control...or let your future be determined by her...and I can tell you from my life that there is a very big difference...

[once removed]

whats the goal, exactly?

are you just trying to be nice and help her out? are you doing it in hopes you will get her back?

i dont think theres anything wrong with doing something to help somebody out, including an ex. you seem to think you dont have a choice here, though. it sounds less about doing a nice thing for somebody whos in a pinch, and more about proving your self worth, either to yourself, or her, or both.

if the hope is to get her back, i would tend to suggest its probably not an effective strategy.

[legalboxers]

whats the goal, exactly?

are you just trying to be nice and help her out? are you doing it in hopes you will get her back?

i dont think theres anything wrong with doing something to help somebody out, including an ex. you seem to think you dont have a choice here, though. it sounds less about doing a nice thing for somebody whos in a pinch, and more about proving your self worth, either to yourself, or her, or both.

if the hope is to get her back, i would tend to suggest its probably not an effective strategy.

She asked for help. I said okay. Not looking for anything, when I do the right thing, she comes and takes my kindness for weakness and repeats the same stuff over and over again like a broken record. I even called her that, a broken record.

[legalboxers]

Legal...given everything you have told...take steroids...seeds won't do it...seriously, it is time to grow a set...this is all you...and via your lsats...seriously, you need to stop making excuses for self...the time is now...don't blow this...again, meant well my friend...but you need to police yourself and emotions...time to knock it off...you are in a dangerous position via self...you could lose a lot here...focus on self and law school...many here have lost so much more and had to grow a set even with that loss...you are at a point...stop making excuses...time to start dealing with the reality principle...you still feel in love and run over to help while she is with another man? Listen, you need to get your s**t together my friend...

otherwise, if you keep reacting to her...there is not much more to say...you can either take some control...or let your future be determined by her...and I can tell you from my life that there is a very big difference...

She hasnt contacted me in 3 days. I dont know whats going to happen. What I honestly feel sorry for is her birthday. But I shouldnt worry. The day after her birthday is technically my one year with her.

[grumpydonut]

Legal!

Go through your posts. Look at how often your focus is on HER.

The problem, at the moment, is YOU.

I have been on this forum for a year, and I have yet to see Stockholm Syndrome like yours.

You appear to be living in fantasy land and not willing to accept reality.

Legal, she is sleeping with someone else. She calls you while he is there...she treats you with little more than disdain. You are being disrespected.

My perception is that you are in a vicious cycle of helplessness, and I would assume that from a young age you developed a sort of learned helplessness, thus this whole process is you reliving childhood emotions.

You need to accept that you are playing a massive part here and that you actually have free will to decide how you allow people to treat you (and how you treat yourself).

[legalboxers]

Legal!

Go through your posts. Look at how often your focus is on HER.

The problem, at the moment, is YOU.

I have been on this forum for a year, and I have yet to see Stockholm Syndrome like yours.

You appear to be living in fantasy land and not willing to accept reality.

Legal, she is sleeping with someone else. She calls you while he is there...she treats you with little more than disdain. You are being disrespected.

My perception is that you are in a vicious cycle of helplessness, and I would assume that from a young age you developed a sort of learned helplessness, thus this whole process is you reliving childhood emotions.

You need to accept that you are playing a massive part here and that you actually have free will to decide how you allow people to treat you (and how you treat yourself).

Fully get what your saying. wouldn't called helplessness. I am a former 1st responder. I should separate myself from it, but I -honestly- felt bad for her and I I havent heard from her (I guess since I refuse to engage) and I need to keep at it

[grumpydonut]

Why do you feel bad for her? She isn't showing any evidence that she cares about you. And you know that BPD is all about playing victim to elicit sympathy and stave off abandonment.

Your empathy is being abused. She knows what works.

[legalboxers]

Why do you feel bad for her? She isn't showing any evidence that she cares about you. And you know that BPD is all about playing victim to elicit sympathy and stave off abandonment.

Your empathy is being abused. She knows what works.

Makes sense...

[grumpydonut]

I'm sorry, Legal. Again, it's all anecdotal but I believe you've given enough information for me to make the following statements:

- You are not allowing yourself to move past the bargaining and denial stages of grief.

- Your self worth is tied to her treatment of you. If she contacts you, you perceive that you must mean something to her. When she doesn't, you feel rejected and yearn for her return.

- You hope that one day she will recognise your actual value (and yes, you do have actual value, regardless of this woman). I will hypothesize that she is incapable of giving you this validation for any longer than a few days or weeks.

- She doesn't view you as a human that deserves love, but as an "option" to fall upon when other sources of validation and soothing aren't playing nice.

- Overall, you are not being honest with us or yourself. You are hoping that we are all wrong (and you are extremely stubborn!); you want her to come back; you want to be with her; you want her to love you and you hope that one day she will...that's fine, but it's not likely to happen.

None of this means I, or anyone else here (I assume), thinks less of you or that we don't want you to express yourself. But, as I have written a number of times, you are wasting precious moments of your life on someone who is unlikely to give you what you want (and deserve).

You have the evidence that this is true, so I ask that you consider allowing yourself to put aside what you hope that she will be and, rather, accept who her actions reveal her to be.

[once removed]

She asked for help. I said okay. Not looking for anything, when I do the right thing, she comes and takes my kindness for weakness and repeats the same stuff over and over again like a broken record. I even called her that, a broken record.

youre helping her and then calling yourself crazy for doing so.

is that the right thing? is it help?

ordinarily, people dont regret doing the right thing.

[legalboxers]

youre helping her and then calling yourself crazy for doing so.

is that the right thing? is it help?

ordinarily, people dont regret doing the right thing.

I do the "right thing" thinking maybe...possibly.. there is a shred of decency in knowing when you are vulnerable and no one will help you, (she even said to me your 5 mins away, but those 5 mins also include a $7.00 toll) and then you turn around.. Its a cycle which needs to be broken, and I need to break it

[khibomsis]

Dear LB, I must admit, I've got it bad.  I also am trying to do the supportive friend after break up thing, and for the same reason: that my sense of decency prompts it. I too get all the dysregulations and none of the sex, and spend too many days trying not to think what my expwBPD is doing with a triangler. My friend, I do have boundaries though. I don't allow her to keep me up at night. I work during the day. Maybe at my age the years are more precious but most certainly I am not putting my future at risk for anyone.

I am such a big softie, this morning I cried for a teddy bear I lost when I was 6.  If I can do it you can do it.
  to you and Polar

[Gemmie]

I'm sorry and I wish you could end the madness.

It's the most difficult thing to have to ACCEPT that she is, physically/emotionally broken. She cannot relate in the same (appropriate/"normal") ways to other people as non BPs can. As much as we desperately want to help, we also have to realize that we have our own path in life.

All the time from yours - that is being sacrificed for hers - (with no benefit, I'd add) - is only injuring you. You are not gaining anything in being the "knight in shining armor." It simply does not matter to her.

Give that wonderful personality and caring nature to another human being and can GIVE it right back to you - and then some!  

[Gemmie]

Yeah, love.
I have the same sense of this as many of our friends here.

As much as you desperately want to be the "good guy" (and, perhaps even allay any of the "guilt - I left a damaged/broken person, when I'm just fine), I believe she has proven time and again that "no matter how GOOD you are - you will never have ANY CONSISTENT love. There will be no sudden "epiphany" and she will become "normal, loving, or capable of reciprocity."

I'd like to share 2 affirmative quotes, I've used for myself lately:

(1)  Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it. (-Ann Landers )

(2)  Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

And, lastly - this ending to the "Stop Caretaking the BP Book, End the Drama, and Get on with Your Life":

"Imagine waking up in the morning rested and looking forward eagerly to the day to come—a day that is filled with work, friends, and fun that you have chosen, activities that fulfill you and give you pleasure and interactions that are supportive and validating. You find yourself looking with anticipation to the future. You are doing your fair share of the work in your life, you can count on getting help from others, and you can be at ease even when things don’t work out perfectly. You feel free. You are free.

The decisions in your life are the ones you have thought through and made because they feel right for you. You find yourself feeling and being successful as you share who you are and your abilities with others. You receive appreciation and recognition from those in your life whom you have helped, and you feel deserving of their caring and positive regard.

You know that when you are tired and overwhelmed, you can count on these loving people to help and support you. They think of you and share their loving energy with you when you are down. They are there in your times of need. You feel fulfilled and content, and you are following your own life’s plan. You are responsible for yourself, and you have much to offer to others. You have value. You have worth. You are complete.

So be it."

[legalboxers]

Yeah, love.
I have the same sense of this as many of our friends here.

As much as you desperately want to be the "good guy" (and, perhaps even allay any of the "guilt - I left a damaged/broken person, when I'm just fine), I believe she has proven time and again that "no matter how GOOD you are - you will never have ANY CONSISTENT love. There will be no sudden "epiphany" and she will become "normal, loving, or capable of reciprocity."

I'd like to share 2 affirmative quotes, I've used for myself lately:

(1)  Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it. (-Ann Landers )

(2)  Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

And, lastly - this ending to the "Stop Caretaking the BP Book, End the Drama, and Get on with Your Life":

"Imagine waking up in the morning rested and looking forward eagerly to the day to come—a day that is filled with work, friends, and fun that you have chosen, activities that fulfill you and give you pleasure and interactions that are supportive and validating. You find yourself looking with anticipation to the future. You are doing your fair share of the work in your life, you can count on getting help from others, and you can be at ease even when things don’t work out perfectly. You feel free. You are free.

The decisions in your life are the ones you have thought through and made because they feel right for you. You find yourself feeling and being successful as you share who you are and your abilities with others. You receive appreciation and recognition from those in your life whom you have helped, and you feel deserving of their caring and positive regard.

You know that when you are tired and overwhelmed, you can count on these loving people to help and support you. They think of you and share their loving energy with you when you are down. They are there in your times of need. You feel fulfilled and content, and you are following your own life’s plan. You are responsible for yourself, and you have much to offer to others. You have value. You have worth. You are complete.

So be it."

I am sick of being the good guy. I do my best and its not good enough. But Im taking everyone's advice.