exwBPD and BD - for anyone who reads this I am not letting this situation affect how I feel about anyone with a mental illness BPD or BD etc, this was my first experience and I am learning a lot from it I hope I can help anyone i meet in the the future anyway possible... I am just hoping people with BPD can share some light on the situation or help me understand it all :/
Small summary I dated this girl in 2013 we was each others first love I was 17 she 15 nothing sexual happend because of her age we eventually broke up because of long distance 2 months later I have never really gotten over her... I finally moved on after 8 years and then she randomly came back in my life same weekend I deleted everything about her finally... She told me she had two kids, exboyfriend who was domestic and abusive, and trauma as a kid watching her Mum be raped and her sister friend was making her give him oral while she was 12. I always thought we was soul mates and I attempted to give it another shot then after 2 months she broke up with me again like I was nothing here's the notes. Also after we broke up she starting making sure everyone knows she's fine and is now openly flirting with people who contact her for someone wanting to better herself alone for a long time I don't understand whys she like this and now telling everyone her exboyfriend or 5 years the kids dad knew her bpd really well and it wasn't an issue in her relationship which I know to be such lies
... According to her I never existed she was single since December me and her didn't just break up so that feels nice right...
23/02/2021
At a friend's house
Girl mate said why didn't I offer to pick my girlfriend up from my house, I repeated I did offer laughing and joking. Girlfriend instantly changed moods and gave me the evil eyes like she's looking right through me, I understand she wanted to walk home and that was not an issue I have no idea why she did that when we was all having a laugh.
That night we discussed the ex boyfriend (babys dad) situation from previous where he demanded my girlfriend be home for 6 which we was already going to be home for, I mentioned she was acting as childish as him they was both back and forth winding each other up and having arguments over it. Girlfriend gave me evil eyes again which she explained it is her processing face which I accepted and can live with at the time it felt like she was looking through my soul and just blanking anything Im saying because whatever I say means nothing. Girlfriend response was you didn't go through what I did during my relationship with my ex-boyfriend t's nice to be able to fight back... I understand she has her reasons but it felt like she didn't give a
PLEASE READ how I felt about the situation, I want us to avoid drama is that such a bad thing to ask for? I asked her to think about me and what would happen if I got a police record because something kicked off then I would loose my job does she actually care about me because I was hoping she would see where I'm coming from and say your right that makes sense I need to think of you aswell now. Sometimes I feel like it's her and the kids only like I'm a pawn I can be removed or replaced easily enough.
20/03/2021
Sometimes I feel she does not look at me the same anymore like how she would look at me when we first got together the funny comments or sly looks across the room... The need to always want to touch me just seems less and less.
The funny personality and banter we had when were just alone seems to be slowly decreasing.. when a friend came round she was laughing making jokes but as soon as he leaves it's quite and we're both just focused on sleeping instead of speaking and laughing. She also plays with her hair alot when speaking to people or reading text conversations from her phone which I never noticed before not an issue I must have just not noticed it? When she is speaking to a neighbour I can hear more laughing going on than we can have that whole day.
Sometimes when I bring up a debate or discussion with her the instant defensive mechanism kicks in ready to argue her corner sometimes it's too overwhelming I don't know how to react with offending her so I just hold my emotions in. I believed this is a split caused by her bpd.. but she has made it clear that I am in the wrong because I do not understand BPD or is willing to learn about it.
I'm starting to feel like we don't speak much anymore unless it's all about drama there is not much just chit chat even when were outside or alone we would normally speak about loads of subjects now it's just quite.
Normally straight after we finished sex she would always say I love you that was amazing thank you or something along them lines now it's just quite and we both lay there...
She seems alot more stressed which could be a result of the kids being a handful but I'm wondering if her stopping taking her medication for 4-5 weeks is having some kind of role to play in this. I'm to scared to bring this up incase she gets upset for me for making these comments even though I just want her to be ok. She mentioned previously she was slipping but I don't understand that exactly?
21-22/03/2021
I brought up the fact there was tension over the weekend but I did not provide all the notes I made above. Her response was the following: " I think alot about some of the things that you say when in relation to all this drama and my mental health and its like meh I know you don't understand my BPD but it also feels like you can't let go of your misconceptions or are willing to lean much about it."
This has really emotionally damaged me to the point I cry over it, all I have done since I started dating her is try and learn about her disorder to make sure there are no problems in our relationship. On numerous occasions I have asked her about her bpd and how doee it work and made notes about it, now I'm basically being told all my effort was a waste of time because I have it all wrong or I am not nvested in learning about it. She even said herself she is still learning about her bpd and sometimes she don't understand it I'm so confused
"Sorry Im half in and out of sleep, just a quick example don't even know if it's gonna come out right cos I'm so tired but you said about you don't want us to have an arguent Android y I'm in the wrong for me to then turn around and blame you instead and manipulate the situation, you've said loads of things like that"
I was not expecting this as a response it simply came as a shock, on multiple occasions when I try to discuss something or debate something I feel whatever I say is irrelevant or taken the wrong way. I'm holding all my emotions in and how I feel just so I don't offend her... I never cry and now I'm crying after every argument... Sometimes when we discuss something bad I feel the way she responds makes me think I was always in the wrong even if at the start of a discussion I believe in my values and what I'm standing up for by the end I am starting to think I did not have values at all.
"Another example, I always express my feelings openly with you, I've never opened up like this before and made myself so vulnerable and you don't have anything to say, or you just have a sarcastic comment
