What to do?

[Selenium]

I wasn’t sure where to put this post as it doesn’t seem to fit anywhere - please forgive if it is in the wrong place.

I am sick with worry and anxiety about my 19 year old autistic son. He was struggling as a college freshman already, but was finally doing better recently, going to class, was on track to finish the semester. Until he met a girl who has derailed his life. She is 18, has BPD, has been kicked out of her house. He has stopped going to class, he is living now with her in an unsafe environment with a distant acquaintance of hers.  I can’t sleep or eat worried he will drop out of school, waste all the money we spent on college, and most importantly, be emotionally damaged after this. Today when he tried to go to class, she cut her arms up and they had to go to the hospital.

I have no experience with BPD and I’m not even sure what I’m asking. But I do know my son is not mature enough to handle this situation.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

This might be better on the family board.

This is a dilemma, because your son is legally an adult, but with autism, may not be able to navigate relationships well. Still, I imagine if he has had social difficulties, having a girlfriend like this is something he's wished for. Wanting to fit in and have friends is common to all young people and so he'd be very happy to have a girlfriend, even one with issues.

First let's discuss the struggles. I have observed this with some young people I know who are on the spectrum. They have the intelligence to handle college level classes but not the social skills or organization skills to manage all of college life. They still need more support than this. I have seen this happen with students who are not on the spectrum and who are just not ready to manage all of being on their own. One solution that has helped is that these students return to live at home, some work at a job and other take classes at a local college, junior college or 4 year in driving distance. This doesn't mean they don't finish a degree, they just need some time to mature and do better academically with parental support.

I would say this for any child- if a parent is paying tuition, and the child messes up, then they need to come home and not continue. There is no point in paying for expensive college and continued academic failure. Not all young people are ready at 18 to go away to college. Yes, if he isn't mature enough to handle college, he might just drop out and you wasted one year. This is not a good thing, but rather than continue down this path- if he is dependent on you, he has to come home.

As to the relationship, that is harder. The "Romeo and Juliett" concept is real. If you intervene it might just push them together. I hope this doesn't cause more issues but I think you can address the college performance part on it's own. You aren't going to continue to pay for college when he's not ready for it. If he's away at school, then he comes home. If he's going to college locally, he needs to get a job and take some time to mature and then decide what he wants to accomplish in school. If he's away at school, then this might create some distance between them, and if not, it will hopefully run its course.

[Selenium]

Thank you for the good advice. Yes, he is away at college and we will not be paying for any more college at this point, except perhaps a local community college if we can get him to come home. And that is the issue. Once he officially withdraws from school, which will likely be in a week or two, what we will want is for him to come home and start classes at the community college, or trade school, or to find a job while he is living at home. He will not want to come home, as he will not leave this girl. He will:

a) Come home but want to bring her with him (that is a hard no, at least for them to live together in our home)

b) Want to continue to live where he is now, as that is where his GF and new friends are. He will not have financial support from us to do this, so that will be eye-opening for him.

You are correct that “Romeo and Juliet” is real. We are really trying not to judge this girl or their relationship. This is his first real relationship, and he has no prior experience with that. It is like he walked into a gigantic landmine. The girl will not let him leave her side, she won’t check in to the hospital because Covid rules say she can’t go in with visitors, she has no further support from her family because they have, understandably, reached their wit’s end with her. And because she is 18, the parents don’t have further say in her care, as I have been told.  I have talked to her mother who is distraught over losing her daughter. But, her daughter assaulted her last year and ended up in juvenile detention. She then got out and assaulted her father - stabbed him with a pen.

This is a terrible situation and I don’t know if anything can be done. I guess time will tell. I wish there were a shelter or somewhere this girl could go so that my son isn’t her primary caregiver.

For perspective - they only met 3 weeks ago. On the SAME DAY they met via Tinder (thanks, Tinder), she moved into his dorm room, telling him she was homeless and escaping an abusive home (which we later learned was not true). They are now living elsewhere because she was caught in the dorm.

[Notwendy]

This is going to be a real life lesson for him. If he can't pay for a place to live himself, then he can come home but your house rules are that you will not take in the GF. Your house, your rules.

You aren't telling him he can't see her. He just has to face the reality that he's not self sufficient yet and will need to make some choices. He won't be able to rent anything either as he probably has no credit.

I think it would be fair to lay out the rules for him at some point. These are your choices- and let him know that you won't be paying for the place to live once the lease is up.

Not sure what the girl will do once she realizes he isn't providing a place to live for her, but that isn't your issue.
Maybe she will realize he's not a good source of support.

Surely this is heartbreaking for you and also for him. I am not sure I would have him start classes at home right away, unless he wants to. He may not be emotionally up to it. But a job and some time to mature is not a bad thing.

I hope you are getting support for you as it's hard to not want to protect your son, but you also don't want to enable this and be financially supporting this.

[Selenium]

Yes, I am completely heartbroken. My son had such a bright future, he wanted to be an engineer. Now his goal is to get his CDL and drive a truck so they can escape and be together all the time. I am not speaking against truck drivers at all, but this is a complete change from before.

We cannot financially enable this. He is now wanting to get a job delivering pizzas, but he is driving a car which belongs to us. My husband really wants the car back as it is to be my daughter’s car next year and we don’t want anything to happen to it. While we could go take away the car, he wouldn’t be able go to class at all since they are living 25 minutes away from school. He is in class today, at least.

All the way around, I don’t know what to do, short of telling him that as long as he is trying to support another person, we can’t send him any more money. But we don’t want to alienate him or put him in danger.

[Notwendy]

Right, it's tough.

Children on the spectrum seem to be very conscious of rules. I think perhaps it's a good idea to sit down with him and discuss your rules.

I know it's hard but he's legally an adult unless you have guardianship of him, but he seems too high functioning for that.