Son’s new bpd girlfriend is ruining our lives

[Selenium]

I am sick with worry and anxiety about my 19 year old autistic son. He was struggling as a college freshman already, but was finally doing better recently, going to class, was on track to finish the semester with passing grades and credit hours intact. Until he met a girl who has completely derailed his life. She is 18, has BPD, has been kicked out of her house.

He stopped going to class and is living now with her in an unsafe environment - trailers off the grid with a bunch of random people - distant acquaintances of hers. I can’t sleep or eat, worried because he is about to drop out of school (his grades are now all failing), wasting all the money we spent on college. Most importantly, he will be so emotionally damaged after this. Two days ago when he tried to go to class, she cut her arms up and they had to go to the hospital.

My son is not mature enough to handle this situation. Although he is 19, he is more like 16 in his maturity due to his autism.

We will not be paying for any more living expenses for him once he drops out. We will have to take our car back and stop providing for him financially, if he is going to stay there with her.

We would pay for community college, or trade school, or living expenses if he came back home to live. However, he does not want to come home, as he will not leave this girl. He might ask to come home but will want to bring her with him, and that is a hard no, at least for them to live together in our home. So that doesn’t help the situation.

I know that “Romeo and Juliet” is real. We are really trying not to judge this girl or their relationship. This is his first real relationship, and he has no prior experience. It is like he walked into a gigantic landmine. The girl will not let him leave her side, she won’t check in to the hospital because Covid rules say she can’t go in with visitors, she has no further support from her family because they have, understandably, reached their wit’s end with her. And because she is 18, the parents don’t have further say in her care, as I have been told.  I have talked to her mother who is distraught over losing her daughter. But, her daughter assaulted her last year and ended up in juvenile detention. She then got out and assaulted her father - stabbed him with a pen.

This is a terrible situation and I don’t know if anything can be done. I guess time will tell. I wish there were a shelter or in-patient treatment somewhere this girl could go so that my son isn’t her primary caregiver.

For perspective - they only met 3 weeks ago. On the SAME DAY they met via Tinder (thanks, Tinder), she moved into his dorm room, telling him she was homeless and escaping an abusive home (which we later learned was not true). The reason they are now living elsewhere is because she was caught in the dorm.

We have always been a very close, loving family. This drama is unlike anything we have experienced, and we are preparing for many changes to come. My daughter is only 14 and I hate that she is also having to witness all of this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

I can understand why you are so anxious - the situation is awful and there are two families totally beside themselves about this situation. BPD is difficult enough for a mature person with lots of knowledge and understanding to deal with, let alone a 19 year old with autism. And an 18 year old with BPD would hardly have any understanding of life's challenges for a 19 year old with autism.

I have read your post a few times, each time with dismay and each time feeling that I can't offer any insight that could take the situation in a different direction. We hold our breath when we manage to nurture a child and help them be able to settle into a new life stage. Little things can upset the whole situation - let alone something as big as this.

Have you told your son about the decisions you have made in relation to his dropping out etc? It could be good for him to understand this before this happens - if it hasn't happened already.

It is good that you have contact with her family so that you all have an understanding of the complexities of this situation.

Is there any way you are able to spend a short time with your son, alone and on a regular basis? Any thing that could act as an excuse or valid reason? You understand how a bpd person wants to 'own' the other and anything can be interpreted as 'being abandoned'.

I think your son will need to keep a strong connection with you to have some reference person in his life. I don't know how this could happen, but it would be something I would try to focus on at this point in time.

Is there a counsellor you can talk to - do the college have counsellors that might be able to get involved.

I am sorry I am not able to be more helpful. Sending lots of thoughts to you in this time.

[Selenium]

Thank you so much for the advice. I am definitely going to see him as often as I can. He will likely be withdrawing from school.

I struggle every day to get through the day but there have been a lot of tears.

I can only hope that he will come out of all this ok. And I hope it ends soon.

[Sancho]

I don't know if these types of suggestions are okay here but when I am overwhelmed with anxiety I take the Bach Flower remedy White Chestnut.

I know some people don't believe they work, but in my experience it has been really helpful.