I've reached the end of my rope with my sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I have never done anything like this before but I really don't know what to do anymore. My entire life has been engulfed by my older sisters strange and sometimes terrifying behavior. My parents have let it gone on without any attempt of intervention, and I have been a human punching bag for my entire 24 years of life. My sisters outbursts are absolutely terrifying (including pushing me into traffic, shoving her foot through a windshield, throwing a chair at me, putting her head through a metal water bottle, etc.) however no one in my family understands how dire the situation actually is. I am constantly in a state of panic and on my toes, so I have finally been taking things into my own hands. I have found a therapist and also have been reading books like "Walking on Eggshells" which I have found almost perfectly describes her behavior and outbursts we have been dealing with for years. My parents use to tell me to not tell anyone about her behavior, so up until about the age of 18 I kept my mouth shut and pretended everything was normal and fine. Once I finally opened up about what was going on, I felt an instant sense of relief and have found that my friends and boyfriend have been amazing sources to confide in. I now hold a lot of resentment and anger for my entire family because no matter how much I begged and pleaded for her to get help, or even call the cops during one of her outbursts I was always looked at as crazy or over the top. I am struggling more than I ever have before because now i know what is really going on and still no one in my family will listen to me.

[Em9321]

Hi,

I have never done anything like this before but I really don't know what to do anymore. My entire life has been engulfed by my older sisters strange and sometimes terrifying behavior. My parents have let it gone on without any attempt of intervention, and I have been a human punching bag for my entire 24 years of life. My sisters outbursts are absolutely terrifying (including pushing me into traffic, shoving her foot through a windshield, throwing a chair at me, putting her head through a metal water bottle, etc.) however no one in my family understands how dire the situation actually is. I am constantly in a state of panic and on my toes, so I have finally been taking things into my own hands. I have found a therapist and also have been reading books like "Walking on Eggshells" which I have found almost perfectly describes her behavior and outbursts we have been dealing with for years. My parents use to tell me to not tell anyone about her behavior, so up until about the age of 18 I kept my mouth shut and pretended everything was normal and fine. Once I finally opened up about what was going on, I felt an instant sense of relief and have found that my friends and boyfriend have been amazing sources to confide in. I now hold a lot of resentment and anger for my entire family because no matter how much I begged and pleaded for her to get help, or even call the cops during one of her outbursts I was always looked at as crazy or over the top. I am struggling more than I ever have before because now i know what is really going on and still no one in my family will listen to me.

[zachira]

Welcome to BPD family though sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. You are not alone, as there are many people on PSI who are/have been in similar circumstances with their disordered family members. It is normal to feel so much pain and frustration when disturbing behaviors by family members are ignored and you are expected to put up with it and if you say something, you are made to feel like somehow you are doing something terrible. How you sister treats you is beyond disturbing, and of course, you want it to stop. It seems your parents feel powerless to do anything about your sister. You on the other hand are taking many positive steps to change your life if not those of the lives around you, so your sister does not continue to take out her dysregulated emotions on you. I am glad you have a therapist who is helping you and you have found "Walking on Eggshells" helpful. I like many members on PSI have found therapy and "Walking on Eggshells"very helpful. You have a boyfriend and friends that understand and support you, which is so key to finding your way.There is light at the end of the tunnel as you work on changing on how you are affected by your sister's behaviors and how your parents ignore it. With time, you will start to feel less like a human punching bag, as you continue to seek ways to recognize your own selfworth apart from how your family has treated you. You are on a long journey, and there are many people on PSI here to listen, and support you. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Em9321]

Thank you so much for your very kind words. It's amazing to know that others have gone through this situation, and that I am not alone in this kind of situation. At the moment, I don't really know what i need, so i guess venting to people who understand is a good way to start. I'm trying to understand that I won't understand what she thinks and how she feels, and that nothing I did was the reason she acts that way. I struggle with forgiving. I struggle with the notion that my family has let me suffer for years, and even when I say something about it, or try to make changes they fully ignore me. For example, when I started reading "Walking on Eggshells", I pulled some chapters and sat down with my parents and read them directly to them. They were absolutely blown away at how accurate it was to my sister. I felt so accomplished and understood and felt that my parents could actually see that she could have BPD. Fast forward about two months later, we are at dinner and my sister starts talking about a friend who has BPD and how at one one point (my sister) thought that she could have it, but she DEFINITELY doesn't for one reason or another. My parents sat there and both said "oh no you definitely don't have that. That's not you at all"... I almost exploded in my chair. All that time discussing my feelings, findings, heartache, absolutely destructive behavior, and my parents BOTH completely disregard everything we talked about and agreed with her that she DEFINITELY doesn't have any issues like that. I about lost my mind. It's so unhealthy it makes me sick. She runs this family. More recently I decided it was time to move in with my boyfriend of 7 years for a number of reasons, #1 being able to get out of this awful dysfunctional family. I knew telling her was going to cause an explosion which wouldn't make sense to anyone else, but I'm sure on this site makes complete sense (feelings of abandonment etc.). So when i told her she immediately started attacking me, saying that's so weird, why would I do that, I hate this family. She use to tell all her friends how cool i was because i was a professional over seas basketball player, and now I'm moving in with a loser i don't even like. She was banging on my door because i had locked it and was yelling at me through the crack. Attacking my boyfriends character even though he is the most amazing person on the planet and ultimately she is jealous because she will never have someone who can deal with her if she doesn't get help. I can't recreate tone in this scenario, however anyone who deals with someone like this knows how terrifying it can be. Then continued to send me nasty texts until i blocked her. The hard part was gearing up to tell her, but my therapist and I went through some visualization practice imagining her as a small two year old throwing a temper tantrum and it helped a little, but the interaction left me shaking. This was Friday and I have avoided seeing her for the past two days. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to be around her. I really feel so done with her even though I know things are more difficult than that. Good thing is I have been able to create my own tribe of friends, and their families who truly care and love for me the way I always hoped and wanted to be loved. I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I hold a lot of anger and resentment today and I don't know what to do about it.

[Onyx22]

Welcome I just wanted to share some thoughts and things I related to in your post :D I'm still pretty new, so take with a grain of salt

My parents use to tell me to not tell anyone about her behavior

: ( I'm glad you are able to open up now and begin healing and creating a life you want.

I now hold a lot of resentment and anger for my entire family because no matter how much I begged and pleaded for her to get help, or even call the cops during one of her outbursts I was always looked at as crazy or over the top. I am struggling more than I ever have before because now i know what is really going on and still no one in my family will listen to me.

Not feeling heard in abusive situations is beyond frustrating, I also have a lot of resentment built up from this. It's probably easier for your family to cater towards your sister's needs rather than face her outbursts (which is not healthy at all). I've been labeled as the 'emotional' one in my family, because I no longer want to be controlled by my uBPD mother. Breaking out of your family's dysfunctional dynamic is very difficult, and I'm glad you are on the path to healing.

She was banging on my door because i had locked it and was yelling at me through the crack.

This gave me chills reading.

Good thing is I have been able to create my own tribe of friends, and their families who truly care and love for me the way I always hoped and wanted to be loved. I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I hold a lot of anger and resentment today and I don't know what to do about it.

Having that good support system is key
I highly recommend moving in with you boyfriend (or by yourself - just out of the family home if you can). Having control over when you interact with your sister will likely make you safer and happier. Allow yourself the time and space to heal and decide what you want for your relationship with her.

[zachira]

You are starting to set some healthy boundaries with your sister and parents. Deciding you can no longer live in the same house and moving, will provide you with some safety from all the treatment that is so hurtful and unpredictable. You will than be able to choose when/if to see your parents and sister. Of course you are experiencing some pushback from the family, what is often called an extinction burst, as neither your sister or parents are comfortable with change. You have been the scapegoat, who the uncomfortable feelings and dysregulated moods have been dumped on, and your family members will have to find new ways to deal with how they are feeling in the moment when you are not around. You may feel worse when you first move, as it takes time to work through all the hurt and anger that have accumulated during your life. You may want to make a distraction list of things to do, when the feelings become too overwhelming, and you need relief.

[Methuen]

Welcome Em9231

You have a whole community here who understands your suffering, and who care and will support you.  Welcome!

My parents have let it gone on without any attempt of intervention

  Until 2 years ago, I thought I had a normal mom.  I am an only child of a uBPD mom.  Two years ago I had my epiphany, acknowledged the truth about my mom, and accepted I really didn't have a "normal" mom, or even know what having a normal mom was like.  Since then I have been paying attention to the relationships my friends have with their mom's.  It's a double edged sword.  On the negative side, I grieve the mother I can never have.  On the positive side, I can celebrate understanding I am not bad, and appreciate that my mother has a disease which is beyond my control.

I hope you find comfort in knowing there is a whole community here that "gets it", and supports you on your path to healing.

[Em9321]

Methuen,

It's only been two days and I can feel the support and understanding from complete strangers, and I have to say it's one of the most validating feelings. I really resonate with what you said about "grieving a mother I can never have," because that's what is most painful about this situation... the hope that one day she can change, be better, feel happy, treat me like a loved family member. But that is never going to happen, so the only thing to do is grieve that relationship, let it go, and find the love and support from those around us and inside ourselves. Thank you so so much for your support.

[zachira]

Your are welcome to post as often as you feel it would be helpful. There is no such thing as writing too much or posting too often. There are many members who have been here for years as they work through the challenges of having disordered family members.